Don't Know What to Think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Don't Know What to Think?
7
Tue, 06-27-2006 - 10:53pm

I was with my SO on Sunday at the beach and went swimming, she stayed on the beach. Was in the water for about 40 minutes. We live near Ventura Ca. and the surf was kind of rough and there was a bad riptide. I had a hard time getting back in although I wasn't really worried as I have been surfing and swimming for many years. She does have a little fear of the water (sharks). On my way in I pulled a muscle in my leg which made it more difficult and was having a hard time keeping my trunks up; even though I retied them twice. When I finally did get on shore she was gone. I went back to the campsite and found her packing her things, she was really mad. I asked her about it but she didn't want to talk much but did say that I had embarresed her and that she had been concerned because I was out so long, she said other people on the beach were concerned too.
We live close by although not together. We have been together for 2 1/2 years.

I started the post 2 hours ago. She called and said she has fallen out of love with me.
I am devastated:( We talked for the entire time. She said I am her best buddy that she wants to be friends but can't give me what I want. We live and work quite a few miles apart and don't see each other during the week, this has always been a problem for me. I have been willing to drive up but she is always tired or busy or whatever. I have pushed it many times. She said she is not right for me and that we both know it. She wants to be friends but can't promise me whats not in her heart. I asked her if we could be friends but knowing what I want would she be okay with me seeing other women. She said she would have a hard time with that. We talked about spending this weekend together as we have my trailer at the beach this weekend and had invited friends to come down. She said she hoped we could but would I be all right with it under the circumstances.
I love her like crazy but am not sure why as I have not been happy with our relationship either for a variety of reasons.
What is wrong with me, I feel like I'm getting mixed messages, am I crazy?
Any comments would be gratefully appreciated as I am hurting BIG TIME.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 3:59am

Was hoping for a reply so I replied to myself.
Can't sleep and am trying to make some sense of this, it comes and it goes.
I am trying to look at this positivley as I can. It is hard because I know all the signs were there long ago and that I ignored them. A very hard lesson after 2 1/2 years and at age 58.
I feel like a chump!!!!!!
I wrote her a very long e-mail but did not send it. I think I need to let it lay for a couple day's and let whats happened sink in.

Any thoughts?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 4:36am

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a painful situation. I don't think many people post at this ungodly hour of the night (it's 4:30am here in GA).

From what you've written, it seems she's rather resolute about her decision. I'm in no position to give advice, however, as I usually don't even follow my own.

Waiting to send the email is a smart move, and there are many, many times I wish I'd done the same.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2006
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 9:06am
Sorry to hear that you have to go through this. It is never fun. Unfortunately, a lot of us don't see the signs that something was wrong until the relationship is over, and then we can step back and reevaluate. The way I see it (and I've been through this), if someone is telling me that they don't love me anymore and don't want to be in the relationship, then that's all I need to hear. It's a hard thing to hear, but it's better to have the truth so you can move on and find someone who truly does treasure you and want to be with you. It will just take time to go through the pain and heal. I would not try to stay friends with her right now. It would be too difficult (its always easier for the person who decided to end the relationship) for you right now. Try to not have contact for a while so you can have a chance to grieve and heal. I know it's hard. The most difficult thing is accepting that someone is not on the same page as you in the relationship. I'm going through the same thing now so I understand. I also wouldn't send the email you wrote. Just keep it for yourself as a tool to let your emotions out. I read about another coping mechanism (which I'm going to do today)which is to make a list of all the things that you were unhappy about in the relationship. Whenever you feel sad and miss her, take it out and reread it to remind yourself of how things really were. Stay strong and feel better soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 12:33pm

This is the e-mail I finally sent followed by her reply. I am getting a very mixed message. Please someone tell me what they think?

Haven't been able to get a wink of sleep.
Keep going over & over things in my head. Wish you could have waited until the 11 day's was over. :}

I am just pathetic..... I knew this was coming, should look on the bright side and thank you because now I can get on with my life....I have been a real wus...as you pointed out I could have done this myself since I was so unhappy.
Please don't think I'm blaming you, you are not responsible for my choices.
Third e-mail I have written to you, saved the others in draft. I have several others that I have saved dating back to Aug. 2004. They all sound alike.

I need to go to work today hope I can hold up only slept about 2-3 hours. Going to work cause I don't think being alone is very good for me right now

Not sure we can be friends or that we should do anything this weekend, I just don't know, if you had said, Let's just slow this down or anything other than; I have fallen out of Love with you but we are best buddys.
I hate to lose this weekend together but I just don't know.
I feel so stupid cause I probably pushed you away.
I really need to think about this some more. I am really mixed up.

x bf until 2+2=3

Her Reply:

I'm sorry. :( I feel awful too. It's just we really haven't been getting along very well and we don't seem happy, especially you.
I'll do whatever you want me to do.
I might be going home myself...I'll see how the antibiotic works...hope it kicks in soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 1:31pm

Ok, I read your email to her and her reply and I'm seeing something different.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 1:46pm
Thank you Sandra.
You know what if she said hey I just don't want to see you anymore period it might be easier to let go. We talked for two hours on the phone last night. I think I may have been pressuring her to much this past month or so and actually before that, I have a hard time letting the; time together, go. We do have circumstances currently that prevent us from living together or getting married and I understand that.
I think she doesn't want to let this go but wants it to be on her terms.
I did write a list of what I don't like about the relationship, its long and I thought about posting it but feel that people will think that I'm off even wanting a relationship with her. But we are highly compatible sexually and have a lot of fun together.
We are going to spend this weekend camping together although she's going out to some sort of expensive lunch with her friends, they will be paying. She is like this person who's girlfriends just about fight over her to spend time together she has a great sense of humor and is a lot of fun, almost charismatic. And she definitely has a spell over me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
Wed, 06-28-2006 - 2:48pm

Thanks for the input. I made a long list and thought I would share it with you. I know that the replies are going to be why do you even want to be with her, maybe I need to hear that. I think I will make another list of the things I liked.
Here it is :(

Things I don’t like about our past relationship

Lack of time together
Always spending my money
Never have any real plan for the weekend and usually end up doing what Sheila wants to do
When we have made plans Sheila many times has changed them at the last minute
Feel that she is closer to her girlfriends much of the time
No real meaningful communication
Sheila is sick a lot, headache or stomach aches
Tired a lot
Have spent less and less time e-mailing and usually pretty short phone conversations
Never asks me to come up during the week and doesn’t come down
Has time for bowling on Thursday nights but not for me
Has never asked me to come watch her bowl
I help her at her house but she rarely helps me
Rarely answers the questions I ask in my e-mails
Basically doesn’t do special things for me, I go out and get her starbucks regularly and buy her flowers among other things
I guess she is just pretty selfish
I feel used