Dont Know What To Think (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Dont Know What To Think (long)
1
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 9:53am

Hey everyone!
its been a while since Ive posted anything. Last time I did I had just broken up with my STILL es boyfriend after two years of a what I thought 'good' relationship. I'm happy to post that I have compeltely healed from that which happened in May and by June I was dating and up until November I had the most fun any girl can ask. I surrounded myself by school, close friends, weeknd trips and well, flirting.
In November however the unexpected happened. Although I felt I was ready to be in a relationship again, I wasnt really looking until this guy (current boyfriend) appered. He is an amazing person, ready to take our relationship always to the next level, never thinking of routines not to mention the fact that he talks to me until 7 am on the days we're off and is constantly on top of thigs, fulfilling every need I may have which ultimately lead him to say I LOVE YOU. & Of course somewhere between the good mornings and the i wanna-marry-you's I also fell...and hard. See my boyfriend right now is out of the country, and he gets here on sunday. We are constantly communicating and the last thing I have in mind is doubt. BUT now this is the problem, finally the week we both have been waiting and longing so much is here and BOOM the unexpected happened yet again...On friday, I found out his grandmother got sick so he spend the night with her in the hospital and didnt get home until about 7 am in time which he left me a msg on skype and as I noticed we talked for a little, he esplained what was happening and told me he was just so stressed out trying to get everything ready (my boyfriend is not from the US so he had a lot of problems getting his visa and passport and stuff which took a toll on the stress level of the relationship as well). I understood him perfectly fine about his grandmother, that same saturday I called him and he explained to me that he hadnt slept that he had aa fever and his back was killing him, he talked to me about 30 minutes before we let each other go because i had diner plans with my mom and he had to go to te hospital to get checked up because he wasnt feeling good at all. That night, we didnt talk. We talked at 5:00 pm sunday for about 5 minutes but already the I love you's were mmm-hmm's, the I miss you's were short 'me too's'. Last night, I talked to him briefly and he popped up with the weirdest attitude yet; he told me "I cant talk because Im not by myself my mom and evryone is in my room and we are all stressed out" I believed him because I ahd spoken to his mom about 20 minutes earlier. I asked (like any worried girlfriend would) why was he being distant, why? i just wanted to know if we still stodd the same ground. He responded: "Oh my god, this is exactly what I dont need right now, I dont know no one will ever understand, I just want to think, I want to be by myself" I asked in what sense he wanted to be by himself and he just kept stressing that he needed to think. After a pause and a long breath, I said well I just want you to know that Im always here for you, eve if you push me away he replied: " see thats why i didnt want to talk to you because I dont wanna talk bad to you" I said well babe all I wanna know is whats going on, for you to communicate, and he was still stressing the thinking and I dont need this right now. After yet another pause he finally gave in and screamig he said "Look I have a lot of S%^& going on, and a lot of stress, a lot of FAMILY PROBLEMS A LOTTTTT OF FAMILY S&*^ going on, are you happy now?" I said well thats all you needed to tell me from the beginning...at the end he ended up saying I love you, and a kiss.

We havent spoken today yet well its only 9:50 am. He said he would call me when he was ready to talk to please understand him. That he would explain it to me later.

My question is a relationship that is new that we both have communicated with each other extremely well and we both DEPEND on each other when problems linger, why is he being like that? I feel so incompetent, because I feel im useless. Why is he pushing me away? Why is it so hard to say I miss you...or no babe, nothing has changed in our relationship just its family stuff"...Maybe his family convinced him to move the trip for another date and doesnt want to tell me? Maybe he doesnt want to be with me anymore? I dont know what do you guys think?????
Thanks and Much LOVE and Happy 07!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 11:33am

Claudia

My suggestion is to just let things take their course. My recent ex... about three months into our relationship went through something similar where he needed to be out of town for months because his father was dying. We barely communicated and when we did it was "hey just thought I'd give you a call to see how you are and what's new..." Then nothing for days at a time. I worried, I cried and I missed him. I wanted him to let me in... to lean on me. However he didn't feel that this was ok, and I respected his wishes.

The problem for us was that he was never able to let me in - he felt like he was always my emotional support and that I wasn't there for him. Believe me, it wasn't for a lack of trying. But - it's a matter of timing. You need to let him know that you are there in whatever way he needs you to be. Encourage him to talk when he's ready and don't push him unless you see him being destructive in the future and think this is why.

Honestly though - I would just take a deep breath and wait this out. He'll come around.

I'm glad to hear that you've found someone wonderful :) I hope that someday I'm willing to let someone else in... and I'm sure that I will.

Hang in there!!