don't know what's going on, heartbroken
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| Thu, 11-18-2004 - 1:12am |
I've been with my boyfriend for 5 1/2 years. We were happy, I thought, and we often discussed plans for the future. I believe I have been a great partner to him, our sex life has been constantly good, and we share a lot of the same opinions, tastes and have similar personalities. We have almost never fought, and we've been through a lot together.
About a month ago, out of the blue he announced that he was going to move out, and he wanted to see other people. I was shattered, I just couldn't believe it. But he also said he loves me, I'm the most amazing woman he's ever known, all these things...why would he want to leave? He says he still wants to see me and from his plans, it seems that he still wants to be a part of my life. But a couple of weeks ago I blew up at him, told him off, and made it clear that if he's going to see other women he won't be with me. He wanted to have sex right after that and was really nice for a while.
He's still living with me because he doesn't have the money together yet to move. I haven't felt that I wanted to just kick him out in the cold, even though I'm angry and incredibly hurt. Our lives are very enmeshed on many levels and I'm not ready to cut ties. But in the meantime, he's been going out a lot without me and, although I believe he's not seeing anyone else, it still hurts me that he doesn't want to hang out with me. He's bored with life the way we have been living it but if he doesn't want to go have any fun with me, he's not giving me a chance to be a fun person to be around. He's going to visit his family without me for the holidays, and has been making plans to go have fun with all his old friends from his hometown. This just tears me up like I can't believe. I thought maybe I had a place in his family but now I think I was just a fool.
I'm so angry that I've allowed my happiness to depend on him and I'm more hurt than I've ever been before, even though I guess I have it better than a lot of people, since he's not cheating on me, still loves me, and we've been having more sex than ever. But secretly I wonder if he's wishing it was with someone else. He has presented this whole thing to me with the premise that he may very well come back. I just don't know what's happening.
This is all very sudden and I'm completely confused. I think about killing myself all the time, even though I don't believe I actually will. Of course I haven't told him this. I keep playing out worst-case scenarios in my head and it makes me more upset and I cry a lot. I can't sleep or eat right and I'm losing a lot of weight. He is concerned and thinks maybe I should see a doctor. How could he be so blind? And how could his feelings change so suddenly? I feel so incredibly sad, and I don't see any future for myself because I don't feel like I can ever trust anyone again after this.
I know what I need to do is go out and develop my own interests and I've done some of that but it's pretty hard when I feel the way I do. Please help - any feedback is appreciated. I feel so pathetic.

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I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Your ex is being *incredibly* selfish to not have made arrangements to stay with friends or *something* after breaking up with you.
I think you need to insist that he move out. Give him until December 1 (he's already had a month, that's not unreasonable), then change the locks. You're allowing him to "fence-sit" and that's not fair to you.
Please do see a doctor and get yourself a good counselor ASAP. Keep us posted on how you're doing.
Sheri
stop having sex with him! show him what a life WITHOUT you is really like. give him space, ask him to leave, don't show him how weak you feel without him.
give him exactly what he asked for, and he may regret it.
stay strong, you can do this! i know it hurts, but you have to save yourself before you can try to save a relationship!
i hope everything gets better, please keep us posted. <3
Thanks for your responses. I have actually done a few things to take care of myself - I've joined a therapy group, am talking to supportive friends a lot, and taking a yoga class. I've also been buying myself a few new dresses...so I'm managing okay, I think, despite my depression.
The thing is, he's not my ex yet, we're just in this bad limbo state. I'm trying to figure out how far I'm willing to let it go before I reach my limits and tell him he has to leave. We have clearly established that he will not sleep with anyone else until he moves, and I have told him that I definitely won't be with him after that happens. So for now, I'm here with this confused guy who doesn't know what he wants. I have let him know that as long as we're still living together, we are a couple and we need to be good to each other. I truly believe that he does love me and I imagine it's likely he might want to come back. He says so, even, and he's not even gone yet.
I've let him know I may have to ask him to leave sooner than he's ready if it's too painful for me. I'm thinking I'll give it until the beginning of the year at the longest. Today we had some good conversation, ate dinner together, are currently peacefully having an evening at home together, and everything seems fairly nice. He hasn't said a single mean word to me, raised his voice, or anything like that throughout all of this, although come to think of it, I have been guilty of those things (out of hurt). What he's doing though, is staying away from home a lot and that just hurts my feelings terrbly because it feels personal even though he says it's not.
This is a complicated situation and doesn't seem typical. I think he's not at all sure of what he wants. And I think he does need to experience it, you're right, but then I'm so torn. I sure don't want him with me if he's just settling for something or if he's not really here because he wants to be with me. I'm really really sad.
Thanks so much for your support and the responses - it really helps a lot to know there are people who have gone through this sort of thing and survived. I read a lot of stories on here before I posted this, especially the thread about the women who were left without any communication whatsoever. It sounds like there are plenty of people who have had it a lot worse than me...then again I suppose it's useless to compare because pain is pain, right?
At this moment it's hard for me to be ready to kick him out because the last couple of days have been good. My therapist is advising me to decide what my limits are and stick to them, so I'm trying to think of that instead of pretend like everything's going to be okay. I'm planning on doing some serious thinking over the weekend when I can have my thoughts uninterrupted.
I wonder what the likelihood of reconciliation with him is? Are there people out there who have experienced something like that? I'm wondering if maybe he just needs to get some stuff out of his system, that sort of thing. Then again I wonder if I'm just in denial and making excuses for him.
Hi everyone, I just thought I'd ask for some moral support because my boyfriend has left to go visit his family for thanksgiving and I'm home by myself...
I'm making a big effort to not get sucked into feeling sorry for myself. I'm not used to feeling this vulnerable when I'm alone - usually I enjoy it but these days everything's different.
Believe me living with someone you love, but know that its over its very hard. But you must do what is right to grow individually and emotionally. Becoming emotionally strong is an everyday task that takes alot of awareness and seeing. Spend some time looking at your actions, spend time really understanding yourself and the pain and suffering will be diverted from suffering to awareness about yourself. Any attachment, be it a relationship, job, money, etc... has a price, and the price we pay is our happiness.
Know that happiness lies within you, noone can take your happiness away because it always resides in you. By being aware you will find this happiness in you, and when you do it will be an overflowing emotion that will shatter any sadness, anxiety, fears, loneliness. I hope that this helps you, but most importantly of all, take time to enjoy just being you and do not dance to anyone else's tune but your own.
Please let us know how you are doing..
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