don't know what's going on, heartbroken

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
don't know what's going on, heartbroken
17
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 1:12am

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 1/2 years. We were happy, I thought, and we often discussed plans for the future. I believe I have been a great partner to him, our sex life has been constantly good, and we share a lot of the same opinions, tastes and have similar personalities. We have almost never fought, and we've been through a lot together.

About a month ago, out of the blue he announced that he was going to move out, and he wanted to see other people. I was shattered, I just couldn't believe it. But he also said he loves me, I'm the most amazing woman he's ever known, all these things...why would he want to leave? He says he still wants to see me and from his plans, it seems that he still wants to be a part of my life. But a couple of weeks ago I blew up at him, told him off, and made it clear that if he's going to see other women he won't be with me. He wanted to have sex right after that and was really nice for a while.

He's still living with me because he doesn't have the money together yet to move. I haven't felt that I wanted to just kick him out in the cold, even though I'm angry and incredibly hurt. Our lives are very enmeshed on many levels and I'm not ready to cut ties. But in the meantime, he's been going out a lot without me and, although I believe he's not seeing anyone else, it still hurts me that he doesn't want to hang out with me. He's bored with life the way we have been living it but if he doesn't want to go have any fun with me, he's not giving me a chance to be a fun person to be around. He's going to visit his family without me for the holidays, and has been making plans to go have fun with all his old friends from his hometown. This just tears me up like I can't believe. I thought maybe I had a place in his family but now I think I was just a fool.

I'm so angry that I've allowed my happiness to depend on him and I'm more hurt than I've ever been before, even though I guess I have it better than a lot of people, since he's not cheating on me, still loves me, and we've been having more sex than ever. But secretly I wonder if he's wishing it was with someone else. He has presented this whole thing to me with the premise that he may very well come back. I just don't know what's happening.

This is all very sudden and I'm completely confused. I think about killing myself all the time, even though I don't believe I actually will. Of course I haven't told him this. I keep playing out worst-case scenarios in my head and it makes me more upset and I cry a lot. I can't sleep or eat right and I'm losing a lot of weight. He is concerned and thinks maybe I should see a doctor. How could he be so blind? And how could his feelings change so suddenly? I feel so incredibly sad, and I don't see any future for myself because I don't feel like I can ever trust anyone again after this.

I know what I need to do is go out and develop my own interests and I've done some of that but it's pretty hard when I feel the way I do. Please help - any feedback is appreciated. I feel so pathetic.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 2:13pm

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Your ex is being *incredibly* selfish to not have made arrangements to stay with friends or *something* after breaking up with you.

I think you need to insist that he move out. Give him until December 1 (he's already had a month, that's not unreasonable), then change the locks. You're allowing him to "fence-sit" and that's not fair to you.

Please do see a doctor and get yourself a good counselor ASAP. Keep us posted on how you're doing.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 8:06pm

stop having sex with him! show him what a life WITHOUT you is really like. give him space, ask him to leave, don't show him how weak you feel without him.

give him exactly what he asked for, and he may regret it.

stay strong, you can do this! i know it hurts, but you have to save yourself before you can try to save a relationship!

i hope everything gets better, please keep us posted. <3

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 10:04pm
welcome to the board!! I'm sooo sorry to hear you're going through all this but no matter what happens you can get through this and you'll be ok, things will get better!! I think you need to STOP having sex with this guy....he is getting what he wants now....all the benefits of a commited relationship without the comitment. As long as he's getting all the perks with no strings attached he's never going to sign up for the strings again. I can't help but feel he's using you and I hate to see him hurt you like this. I think you need to get him out of the house....as it's nearly impossible to get over someone when you're still living together. Does he have a friend or someone he can stay with until he can afford his own place?? Please whatever you do...don't do anything to harm yourself. I think you should check this website out http://suicidehotlines.com/ and find the suicide hotline for your state and keep it handy in case you need it. You sound really depressed and like you have a case of low self-esteem. You need to do things that will make you feel better about yourself. Pick yourself up...and stay active and busy....join a gym, take up a new hobby, make new friends, get a new haircut...anything that will make you feel good about yourself. And if you can't seem to kick the depression....then see a dr before it's too late. Good luck and please keep us posted!!











Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 1:50am

Thanks for your responses. I have actually done a few things to take care of myself - I've joined a therapy group, am talking to supportive friends a lot, and taking a yoga class. I've also been buying myself a few new dresses...so I'm managing okay, I think, despite my depression.

The thing is, he's not my ex yet, we're just in this bad limbo state. I'm trying to figure out how far I'm willing to let it go before I reach my limits and tell him he has to leave. We have clearly established that he will not sleep with anyone else until he moves, and I have told him that I definitely won't be with him after that happens. So for now, I'm here with this confused guy who doesn't know what he wants. I have let him know that as long as we're still living together, we are a couple and we need to be good to each other. I truly believe that he does love me and I imagine it's likely he might want to come back. He says so, even, and he's not even gone yet.

I've let him know I may have to ask him to leave sooner than he's ready if it's too painful for me. I'm thinking I'll give it until the beginning of the year at the longest. Today we had some good conversation, ate dinner together, are currently peacefully having an evening at home together, and everything seems fairly nice. He hasn't said a single mean word to me, raised his voice, or anything like that throughout all of this, although come to think of it, I have been guilty of those things (out of hurt). What he's doing though, is staying away from home a lot and that just hurts my feelings terrbly because it feels personal even though he says it's not.

This is a complicated situation and doesn't seem typical. I think he's not at all sure of what he wants. And I think he does need to experience it, you're right, but then I'm so torn. I sure don't want him with me if he's just settling for something or if he's not really here because he wants to be with me. I'm really really sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 8:42am
I am so sorry sweetie... I have been there and I know it hurts. Let me give you just a little insight to my life so you can see where I have been and where I am now. I was married for 20 years and my ex started going off without me. He told me he just didn't love me anymore. He always told me he was filing for a divorce, a year went by and nothing. We both work for the same company and I heard through the "grapevine" that he was cheating. But because of my love for him and our two children... I stuck it out. He would go out and come home at 3 am and climb into bed with me like nothing was wrong. I couldn't eat, lost weight, sat in my BR crying all the time. Then one day I just realized this is enough. I saw how it was aging me and how I had forgotten how to smile. When he came home that night/morning, his bags were on the front porch and the locks were changed. I went two days later and filed for the divorce. He actually begged me in open court to drop the case, but I didn't. As time went by, I wondered "did I make a mistake?", should I have stayed? Well, it's been two years. I smile all the time. My kids are thankful! (mom, if you hadn't divorced dad, we would have moved in with grandma). They were tired of seeing me sad and hurt. I am more confident than I ever have been. And I actually don't miss him or have ANY regrets. I know I deserved more and SO DO YOU. The point is, it takes time. Nothing heals over night. But the heart is made to heal and allow you to move on and find someone that really can love you the way you deserve. You will find someone that can treat you and care for you just as much as you can care for them. My taking charge of my life was like getting an "extreme makeover" from the inside to the outside. Sweetie, you can do that to. It just takes time, courage, commitment and the realization that YOU ARE SPECIAL and worth every bit of effort. Please talk to a counselor... I DID. And it really did help. Please keep in touch... and remember we all care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 11:29am

Thanks so much for your support and the responses - it really helps a lot to know there are people who have gone through this sort of thing and survived. I read a lot of stories on here before I posted this, especially the thread about the women who were left without any communication whatsoever. It sounds like there are plenty of people who have had it a lot worse than me...then again I suppose it's useless to compare because pain is pain, right?

At this moment it's hard for me to be ready to kick him out because the last couple of days have been good. My therapist is advising me to decide what my limits are and stick to them, so I'm trying to think of that instead of pretend like everything's going to be okay. I'm planning on doing some serious thinking over the weekend when I can have my thoughts uninterrupted.

I wonder what the likelihood of reconciliation with him is? Are there people out there who have experienced something like that? I'm wondering if maybe he just needs to get some stuff out of his system, that sort of thing. Then again I wonder if I'm just in denial and making excuses for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 9:36pm

Hi everyone, I just thought I'd ask for some moral support because my boyfriend has left to go visit his family for thanksgiving and I'm home by myself...

I'm making a big effort to not get sucked into feeling sorry for myself. I'm not used to feeling this vulnerable when I'm alone - usually I enjoy it but these days everything's different.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 9:49pm
I'm sorry that your boyfriend did that to you. It just sounds like he maybe needs some time alone so he can see what life would be without you then maybe he'll appriciate and love you even more. However, I urge you to see a doctor if you are having these problems such as suicidal thoughts, lack of sleep and weight loss. Maybe he can put you on some sort of anti-depressent. However, he may be testing you and the relationship to see how you can handle it. I know it's a hard time right now, my boyfriend of over a year just showed me the door two days ago. Show him you're the strong, surviving woman that we all can be, and that you're hurt, sure: But you won't crumble without him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 12:18am
(((cloudy))) I can't even imagine how hard this is on you but I'm sure the sooner he moves out the sooner you can really start to heal. I commend you on being so strong....I don't think I could handle living in the same place with him like that. I think joining the discussion group and yoga are great steps in helping you stay busy and take your mind off things. Good luck and keep us posted and we're always here if you need to talk!!











Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 1:36pm
I have a similar situation to yours, the only difference is I'm the one who needs to move out. I can share with you that taking time to analyze your life and start enjoying being with yourself will be a great step in letting go. My Ex-boyfriend is leaving for Christmas and New Year's to see his family and I know that I will be very, very lonely, but each day I prepare for that day, because I will be alone. Sooner or later, this will be my reality. One thing that you may want to reflect on is that one day everyone will pass away. Have you ever sat down to contemplate that the people who are dear to you will cease to be there. Whether you broke up with them, they moved or passed away, the world continues to move, yet we believe that life sits still.
Believe me living with someone you love, but know that its over its very hard. But you must do what is right to grow individually and emotionally. Becoming emotionally strong is an everyday task that takes alot of awareness and seeing. Spend some time looking at your actions, spend time really understanding yourself and the pain and suffering will be diverted from suffering to awareness about yourself. Any attachment, be it a relationship, job, money, etc... has a price, and the price we pay is our happiness.
Know that happiness lies within you, noone can take your happiness away because it always resides in you. By being aware you will find this happiness in you, and when you do it will be an overflowing emotion that will shatter any sadness, anxiety, fears, loneliness. I hope that this helps you, but most importantly of all, take time to enjoy just being you and do not dance to anyone else's tune but your own.
Please let us know how you are doing..

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