don't know what's going on, heartbroken

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
don't know what's going on, heartbroken
17
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 1:12am

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 1/2 years. We were happy, I thought, and we often discussed plans for the future. I believe I have been a great partner to him, our sex life has been constantly good, and we share a lot of the same opinions, tastes and have similar personalities. We have almost never fought, and we've been through a lot together.

About a month ago, out of the blue he announced that he was going to move out, and he wanted to see other people. I was shattered, I just couldn't believe it. But he also said he loves me, I'm the most amazing woman he's ever known, all these things...why would he want to leave? He says he still wants to see me and from his plans, it seems that he still wants to be a part of my life. But a couple of weeks ago I blew up at him, told him off, and made it clear that if he's going to see other women he won't be with me. He wanted to have sex right after that and was really nice for a while.

He's still living with me because he doesn't have the money together yet to move. I haven't felt that I wanted to just kick him out in the cold, even though I'm angry and incredibly hurt. Our lives are very enmeshed on many levels and I'm not ready to cut ties. But in the meantime, he's been going out a lot without me and, although I believe he's not seeing anyone else, it still hurts me that he doesn't want to hang out with me. He's bored with life the way we have been living it but if he doesn't want to go have any fun with me, he's not giving me a chance to be a fun person to be around. He's going to visit his family without me for the holidays, and has been making plans to go have fun with all his old friends from his hometown. This just tears me up like I can't believe. I thought maybe I had a place in his family but now I think I was just a fool.

I'm so angry that I've allowed my happiness to depend on him and I'm more hurt than I've ever been before, even though I guess I have it better than a lot of people, since he's not cheating on me, still loves me, and we've been having more sex than ever. But secretly I wonder if he's wishing it was with someone else. He has presented this whole thing to me with the premise that he may very well come back. I just don't know what's happening.

This is all very sudden and I'm completely confused. I think about killing myself all the time, even though I don't believe I actually will. Of course I haven't told him this. I keep playing out worst-case scenarios in my head and it makes me more upset and I cry a lot. I can't sleep or eat right and I'm losing a lot of weight. He is concerned and thinks maybe I should see a doctor. How could he be so blind? And how could his feelings change so suddenly? I feel so incredibly sad, and I don't see any future for myself because I don't feel like I can ever trust anyone again after this.

I know what I need to do is go out and develop my own interests and I've done some of that but it's pretty hard when I feel the way I do. Please help - any feedback is appreciated. I feel so pathetic.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2004
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 10:48pm

Thank you for your thoughtful words. I have been doing pretty okay...well, except for all the crying I did Wednesday. And now, just ten minutes ago I suddenly started feeling sad and lonely again, a pretty strong wave of it coming over me actually.

The thing about my situation is, there's no certainty that it's "over." My relationship is more kind of up in the air for the time being. We have agreed that as long as we're together, then we are still a couple. Well, even though he went to visit his family without me, that is. I plan on talking to him when he gets back and seeing where he's at. I'm evaluating how I feel about it as I go. I am doing a lot of work on letting go and thinking of doing things by myself. I still don't have much of an appetite...I must be the only person I know who lost weight over thanksgiving!

I really need to learn how to be grateful for what I have and not be a slave to my grief and anger. In the big scheme of things, I'm not that badly off. Some people are alone for most of their lives. I'm in decent health, I'm attractive and intelligent enough, so I almost feel like I don't have a right to be so miserable. But now I'm thinking there just isn't any such thing as "happily ever after." A few of my friends who are married have recently been telling me about their dissatisfaction with their marriages.

I know if he leaves he will want to come back at some point. I am relishing the thought of that day, as childish as it is. At least that's more pleasant than all the other thoughts. My head is driving me crazy - I'm glad this place is here for me to just talk about it. Thanks everyone for being there for me (and everyone else)!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Sat, 11-27-2004 - 11:00pm

I stumbled upon this board by accident through a link. Ordinarily, I wouldn't give someone I don't know advice, but your note struck a familiar chord. I could have written an identical note several decades ago.

I'm going to give you some advice based on my experience. It is: when someone wants to leave you (or even thinks that they want to leave you) let them go immediately and don't ever look back. I made the mistake of trying to hang onto a relationship once upon a time. What should have been a "clean break" dragged on for several years. The humiliation I suffered trying to win back a man who didn't want me any longer is what bothers me most to this day. I look back on my much younger self wondering why I kept beating my head against a wall. I changed everything to please him to the point I didn't even know myself anymore. And it was never "enough".

One day, I more or less "snapped" when he said, "I can do anything I want to you because I know you really love me and will always forgive me." I realized loving someone too much can create a Frankenstein monster -- my extreme willingness to do anything to keep the relationship led to his extreme willingness to take advantage of the situation.

Because of that one remark he made, I finally said "enough" and let him go. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and it broke my heart. Years later, he returned to "win me back" -- but by that time I was already engaged to someone else. Decades later, this same man still professes to love me. In his own way, I am sure he does. But do you really want to wait decades for someone to get "unconfused"? And if you get him back after everything that's happened -- isn't that a hallow victory? You'll never feel secure or comfortable with that relationship because the trust is gone.

Even if I weren't married to my husband -- I'd never take my ex back. Trust is a very fragile thing. Without it, no relationship is worth much.

I'm going to say some prayers for you. Believe me, someday it will stop hurting. Sometimes (like in my case) it takes a very long time. But one day -- you will begin to heal. However, you must totally get him out of your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 7:58am
Thank you Rainbow for your seasoned advice, for all our difficult situations. I don't believe it was an accident that you found this board and hope you use them too :) In 1 of my posts I likened my X-fiance to a shark 'cause I can't see his fin (he appears to have broken-up with me without a word or trace while in the military)- so I can relate to your 'monster' idea. I'm wondering just how much of the 'confusion' is just plain immaturity and maybe they never grow up ... no thanks ~ V
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 12:33pm

Valentine:

It depends on what you mean by "grow up".

The world is full of women and these type of men want to sample them all. They will go on about it as long as they are able. That's the key word here "able". That young man you're interested in will eventually be balding and most likely overweight by the time he hits his late thirties. That's when he will "grow up" by default. It's not quite so easy to saunter into a bar and pick up another woman once they're "over the hill". They realize that. It's at that point that they try to reconnect with the woman who loved them no matter what. Do they really love the woman? Or do they just love being loved? You have to answer that question for yourself.

As my ex-fiance put it, "...about ten years ago, I changed." Gee, I wonder why *she says with a touch of irony.* I am under no illusions about him. If a fairy waved a magic wand and made him 23 instead of 53 again, he'd be up to his old tricks within an hour.

The important point is -- I developed pride over the years he was gone -- and I know it's not flattering to me to know that the only reason he's back scratching at my door is because he's too old (and frankly less than attractive) for anyone else to want him. I see no reason to feel obligated to take his sorry self back even if I wasn't married. However, he thinks I now "deserve" to have him. *Lucky me, she says with a hint of sarcasm.* But you see, I have developed pride. Pride, I have learned, is a most useful commodity.

Have pride in yourself. You are second to none. You deserve the best. If a man wants to leave, let him. And nail the door shut behind him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 8:01am
It just seems like I'm dealing with a 5 year old, after 10 years. His silent break-up is like saying to me "I'm getting back at you for the past, ha ha" ... and in some ways I deserve it and even pushed him away, again. I was the one who 'he couldn't get' and I think that challenged him. When you're dealing with a guy who is deployed and has major PTSD you can't rely on any emotional security, 'cause they're in a lot of shock. He would tell me how his best friend was killed right there next to him, and how he'd have nitemares for the rest of his life. He may mellow out in time and be sorry for his behavior, but we have trust issues from the past and he knows it. When he contacted me after 8 years I was alone, single and grieving the violent death of my sister, which equals == VULNERABILITY!!! take care, V
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 8:58am

Valentine:

One of the advantages of being middle-aged is that you've pretty much reached the point where you've seen (or heard) everything. For that reason, I'm going to give you some "food for thought" -- what value it will have to you will depend on keeping an open mind to the possibility that things are often not as they appear.

I wish I could sit you down with my elderly male relatives for a chat. All of them are WW2 veterans and saw active combat in both the Pacific and European theaters. They saw their buddies blown to bits and even had to kill the enemy if need be -- and yet all of them are as "together" as you or I. Oddly enough, I've spoken to tons of WW2 veterans and it appears that there doesn't seem to be PTSD manifesting among them. None of these people had any kind of "therapy" simply because in their day, such a thing as PTSD was not listed in the DSM. I've noted that once a psychological disease is "identified" -- there is a sudden rise in the number of people who claim to be thus afflicted.

Now either we have to postulate that the WW2 veterans were somehow "tougher" psychologically than the soldiers who followed them in other wars, or we can postulate that PTSD was "discovered" and a lot of people are using that diagnosis to excuse abominable behavior and invoke "pity and attention" from other people.

I'm not saying that it is purposeful -- it may be a totally subconscious in the sense that the person isn't aware of their own "motives" for manifesting PTSD. It is a very "useful" diagnosis however -- as my friend (I'll call her Jane) could tell you.

Her husband used his PTSD (Viet Nam) to justify ever rotten thing he did during a thirty year marriage from neglecting his children to cheating on his wife. Poor him -- pity him -- and yet he didn't seem to notice (or care) about the stress he was inflicting upon Jane and her children. The real truth of the matter is that he was a selfish person using the excuse of PTSd like someone would use a joker in a poker game. Any problem he caused was explained by whipping out the "PTSD" card. I could also mention that PTSD enabled him to gain a lot of sympathy from women, all who wanted to be the one to "help" the poor man. He collected a lot of notches on his bedpost that way.

Yes, some servicemen do have nightmares. But I fail to see the correlation between the war experiences, nightmares, and mistreating other people. Nor to my knowledge is there any direct studies postulating such a condition.

War experiences do not give anyone a license to mistreat others. Do not fall into the trap of letting your boyfriend use that as an excuse for every failure he has as a man. And do not fall into the trap of letting your sympathy and tender heart pity him and make excuses for him.

I suggest you visit an old folks home and dig up a few WW2 veterans. Buy them a cup of coffee and ask them about their war. You'll find a suspicious lack of PTSD manifesting among them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 9:50pm

Hi Cloudy04,

I don't have much advice, but I totally understand where you are coming from. Before my ex boyfrined and I broke up two months ago, we had a great relationship. Really solid I thought. We hardly ever argued. Then we had a huge argument, and he broke it off. We weren't living together, but we were planning on it in the very near future. When he left me I did try to commit suicde, and I was locked up in the mental health complex for three days. It is not worth it. I know what it is like to feel that the way you have been percieving things is all of a sudden not the reality. I too don't know if I can ever trust someone again. I am terrified to be alone. I am heartbroken and am not functioning very well at all. I think the only thing that is going to work is letting time pass. Even after we broke up we still had sex and he was so loving and seemed to miss me so much. Then I found out that he was also having sex with someone else. I want to somehow hold him accountable, let the whole world know just what a creep he really is. I just want to kick myself for being so trusting. I just can not have contact with him. I don't know what I would do if we lived together like your situation. I am afraid for you, and that he will somehow hurt you again. Please be careful. I am banking on things being less hopeless for myself, and they will be for you as well. If you want to talk, please let me know.

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