Don't Know Which Step To Take Next...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Don't Know Which Step To Take Next...
3
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 12:26pm

Hi all. I'm new here and I'm desperately looking for some advice.

To make a long story short, I was supposed to be married in August, but my fiance left me three days before our wedding. It wasn't really anyone's fault, although he blamed me for everything. We had lots of problems, but were in counseling and I thought we would get through it. We saw each other a few weeks after, to deal with our condo & belongings. In early September, he took me away for the weekend and told me that he wanted to try things again, but on the way home, he told me that he couldn't do it anymore. We continued to see each other, but finally, it got too hard and I stopped contact with him.

A few weeks ago, he came to my house and told me that he missed me and still loved me. I went over to his new place that night and spent the night there for almost two weeks. He bought a new bed for us, told his family about us (they didn't approve at all, as they never liked me). All of things showed me that he was serious, but he wouldn't tell his friends & other women about us. Finally, on Monday, I asked him where he thought this was going and he blew up on me. He said that I was too insecure for him and I wasn't worth losing his family for. After our fight, he said he would call me, but never did. I tried to call him yesterday to get the things that I left there, but he turned his service off (I'm assuming that he got a new number). Obviously, he doesn't want anything to do with me.

I am so hurt and confused and very, very angry. I was starting to get over him for the month that we didn't talk, but now I feel like I am back at step one and possibly feeling even worse. I am so angry at him. I was making dinner last night and I kept cracking eggs because it felt so good. I read other people's posts about how they want their exes to be happy, but I don't want mine to be happy. I have so much anger that I don't know what to do with myself.

How did you guys get over your anger/heartbreak? I need as much advice as I can get.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 3:06pm

I'm very sorry for what you are going through. I can only imagine how disappointed and hurt you are to have given him yet *another* chance and be let down by him.

Of course you're angry--who could blame you? He led you on and got your hopes up and then dashed them, yet again.

I have found that anger is the hardest stage for me to go through, simply because it's so uncomfortable. I think we as women have been socialized to think that it's wrong to feel anger so we are extra uncomfortable with it. What I have found works best is to allow yourself to truly *feel* the anger, rather than stuffing it, as uncomfortable as it is. It will pass, but I've found if you don't allow yourself to feel it, it will keep coming back.

As for how to deal with the heartbreak and start to move on, I think you need to make a decision for yourself that you are not going to allow this to happen ever again (as opposed to him making the decision for you). Make a pact with yourself that if he comes back around again, you are not going to let him in the door or take his call. Tell your friends to get their help in keeping this commitment to yourself. And of course no contact. It's a drag that that means you have to let go of whatever stuff you left there, but better that than prolonging the pain by forcing contact with him to deal with the stuff.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 10:41pm

Wow, how horrible for you. I think there were some telling things in your post, specifically -

::In early September, he took me away for the weekend and told me that he wanted to try things again, but on the way home, he told me that he couldn't do it anymore. We continued to see each other, but finally, it got too hard and I stopped contact with him.

So he just wanted a weekend of sex? Or he *thought* he wanted to be back with you, but then after the weekend had a change of heart again?

::A few weeks ago, he came to my house and told me that he missed me and still loved me. I went over to his new place that night and spent the night there for almost two weeks. He bought a new bed for us, told his family about us (they didn't approve at all, as they never liked me).

So more sex?

::All of things showed me that he was serious, but he wouldn't tell his friends & other women about us.

This would make me question who he was keeping on string besides me.

::Finally, on Monday, I asked him where he thought this was going and he blew up on me. He said that I was too insecure for him and I wasn't worth losing his family for.

This tells me he was looking for an excuse to end it again.

I don't blame you one bit for being angry, really ANGRY. I also agree with Sheri, feeling it is the best way through it. So here's some ideas that have helped me in the past, as well as others.

Vent on paper, write him HATE mail, tell him exactly how you feel about him, what he did and why, then burn it. Do NOT send it. Journal write as needed, vent as needed. Scream into a pillow. Short-term counseling. Make a list of things you enjoy and start doing them. Do something physical and even something creative. Pamper yourself, take care of you and just know 'this too shall pass.' It just takes time.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 11:25pm
The only way to get over anger/heartbreak is time. You also need to come to the realization that this guy is no good for you. It's wrong of him to play with your mind, heart and emotions like that. You don't tell someone you love that "you are not worth losing his family for." What more can he say and do to hurt you? Getting over a broken heart as well as dealing with the anger and resentment is not easy, but you really have no choice but to deal with it and come to terms with it. If he doesn't want anything to do with you, then you don't want anything to do with him. I have a feeling that as soon as he cools off and doesn't hear or see you in awhile, he will come running back to you again. That is when you have to make a decision on what you feel is right and what you deserve from this relationship. And you know you deserve nothing but respect, love and consideration. If he can't or won't give that to you, then you must move on. Good luck to you!