Don't lose your dignity
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| Wed, 10-26-2005 - 7:13pm |
Ladies, although this is hard for me to admit, I am doing so in hopes that it will save some of you the pain and humiliation I put myself through. I have posted a couple of times on this board and it has been 3 months since my breakup. While we were together my ex had given me his password to his personal email account. He trusted me and had me get into the account a few times to get his emails. At any rate, the past three months I have been checking his emails. I knew it was wrong, it is not something that is within my personality but I have been riddled with so much hurt and pain that I just haven't been myself. I really wasn't doing it to spy on him, it was really a way that made me feel close to him since he had completely disappeared. He found out that I was looking at his email and changed his password.
This is embarrassing for me to admit, I am not proud that I did this. On top of dealing with the pain of him being gone I have added to it by being someone that I am not, someone that I no longer recognize or am proud of. I am now hurting and angry with myself at the same time. I knew I was playing with fire and that I would get caught but I just was not thinking clearly. I am ashamed of myself.
Please do not allow yourself to get so wrapped up in your grief that you lose who you are in the process. It will only prolong the healing process. It is hard enough to go through this emotional time let alone not being able to hold your head up high while you do it. I hope that by me sharing what I have done it will help many of you to not make the same mistake I did.
java

Thanks for this post :) I totally agree with you, and hope that reading this will save others from behaving in ways they will later regret.
When my ex and I first broke up, I acted pretty crazy. I even considered contacting his new girlfriend, even though his girlfriend BEFORE me had contacted ME and I didn't appreciate it at all. Luckily, I didn't do that to the new one...I know I would have been ashamed of myself later on down the road.
But I did send him numerous emails, IMs, texts, etc...and I even told him I was willing to wait while he figured out if he wanted to be with the new girl or not. I don't know where my self-respect went...maybe I had never actually had it to begin with? I don't know, but I do know that I regret a lot of the things I did back then, no matter what I learned from the experience.
I wish I had kept my dignity more intact and not lost myself during the whole grieving process. We all make mistakes, but you're right in saying that not being able to hold your head up high only makes things even harder for yourself. It's difficult to think clearly after a breakup occurs, but we really need to focus on taking care of ourselves...and that DOESN'T mean sacrificing your self-respect and dignity.
I hope you feel better soon. It's for the best that your ex changed his password to his email...I'm sure that was only delaying your healing process. Take care and good luck!
I think we all hit bottom after a break up. In some way we all lose our dignity and it is part of the process to recover and start again.
I am ashamed of many things that I said to my ex just to keep him in my life. I told him that I would accept anything from him, if he just wanted to have sex, then that was fine. If he didn't want any commitment, great. I was putting myself in the lowest, how miserable I was. I am so glad that he said no to all my stupid suggestions. I am also very glad that he respected my decision to have no contact afterwards. Now that I have moved on I feel sorry for me, because I lost all dignity and self respect for myself just because I wanted this man who didn't love me.
I think we must be proud of ourselves to share our stories in this message boards, other women put themselves all their lives in the dirt in order to stay with a man and they accept many humiliations for a long period of time. At least we got out of it and move on.
iliana
Well unfortunately I found a pretty confusing email from a girl myself on my ex's email. I was livid, she didn't say enough to really give me anything to go on but she said enough to make me believe that they had something. She wanted to talk to him in person and she told him she missed him so I gathered that they did have something. I called him and non chalantly asked him if he had slept with anyone or been seeing anyone and he said "no" to both, of course I couldn't say then why did you get this email that is pretty suspicious so I just went away thinking he was lying to me. I didn't think that through any of it that it would come down to one of us lying. There is no reason to lie. Granted it is non of my business but to lie is just not right.
I can't believe after a year you are still in this predicament. Why is it that you are still pining after this guy? A year is a very long time and it is not healthy for you to be doing this to yourself. Have you not found anyone else that interests you? It has been three months now for me since my breakup and I feel better and better everyday. I think it has helped that I can no longer access his emails, that was the best thing he has done for me. I feel free now, don't get me wrong it is still hard at times but I don't feel chained to the pain anymore. I don't spend every minute thinking about him. I spend a little time before I fall asleep at night and when I am in the car alone I think about him and miss him. I can't imagine that I would still be checking his emails after a year had gone by. I think I set a time limit where if he didn't come back then all hope would be gone and I am nearing that time limit. The odds that he would come back after three months is pretty slim and it gets slimer as the weeks continue. On Halloween I will have hit my 2 weeks NC goal that I set for myself and I am having no trouble sticking to it.
Good luck, please take care of yourself, you ARE worth every bit of what you have to offer someone else!
Java
i know a year is a long time to still be holding onto someone/ex. at one point i thought i was crazy. but i realize that everyone is different with different experiences and issues and everyone goes at their own pace, so i don't beat up on myself too much anymore. i have come a very looooooooooong way(believe it or not), and it really isn't because i'm waiting for him to come back. i have accepted that we are no longer and will not be, but i just still felt like he still and would always feel the same way about me and no one would/could ever replace me...and that held me back from completely letting go..it's wierd though because it's not like believing that made me think we'd get backtogether, but still, for some reason it made me feel like something was weighing me down...but now that i found all those emails, it was hard and shocking, but i truely believe that i needed that. and ofcourse i don't hate him because he's free to do and see whom ever and whatever he wants and he has had that freedom for a year. it was just a reality check for me and i needed it. i seriously feel that that was the missing piece of the puzzle as to why i couldn't completely let go.
also, i could date if i wanted to right now, but i don't want to. and not because i'm waiting around for the ex to come back but because i really want to find myself and grow as a person and i'm still on my healing journey...not just healing from my break up, but really finding myself again. i don't want to be with someone for the wrong reasons, nor do i want to stay in a relationship for the wrong reasons, therefore, once i work through my issues and heal and grow, i will no longer long to be with someone or just anyone, and i will no longer hold onto something that is not there anymore...and for me, i believe the only way to be successful at that, is to love yourself/accept yourself completely and unconditionally.
thanks for responding, and i wish you well on your journey as well.