DONT want HIM to move on...
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| Sat, 04-30-2005 - 5:05pm |
ive been doing relatively *well* these last few days... i havent felt much *pain*...i think about him tons, but at least i havent felt panicky!! soo... thumbs up to that.. :)
BUT.. i had a bit of a slip this afternoon .. for the last week, ive managed to resist temptation to re-add him back to my msn contact list; but this afternoon, i slipped and re-added him back on... im an idiot, i know. i shouldnt have done that, i know. i dont feel any better now - ugh...curiosity does kill the cat!
he wasn't online, and i feel bothered by that.. WHY was he not online?? its a saturday afternoon today, and ive spent the day doing nothing pretty much. i was out with girlfriends last night, had a great time - and will be spending time with friends later on today ... but, i hate weekends - especially weekends that i have free. it reminds me of how i used to spend every minute i had with him, how weekends were "his" and just hits me in the face how much i do miss him ... :(
and this leads me to think ... I DONT WANT HIM TO MOVE ON. if i can feel better these last few days, he must be feeling great. seeing that he dumped me, how he had a 3 weeks head start on moving on (for that period of time, our breakup was not made *official*), and since hes better at letting go and ignoring his feelings - he must be living on cloud 9 right now! and with him not online, im thinking he must be out enjoying life? maybe with other people? with another woman? OH GOD :'( ..
given my situation, i want to MOVE ON and FORGET ABOUT HIM and NOT CARE and just BE HAPPY. ..but as selfish as this may be of me, i DO NOT WANT HIM TO!! ugh, how i wish for him to be grieving, to be lonely, and missing me... as much as i long to be okay with everything - it makes me sad to think that we'll be like that. for the last two years of my life, he's played such an important role in my life - both when we were dating, and in between... i admire him with all my fibre, and it breaks my heart to think of how he *used* to adore me to pieces... its just so sad to think that there will come a point in which we'll both be nothing but a closed chapter in eachother's lives... :(
UGH, i want to continue feeling better - i really do ... but i cant stand the thought of (1) HIM feeling better, and (2) us both completely moving on ..
eeksj

eeksj
I know it seems like a difficult reality to face - but it is the reality. It sounds like you are making some good steps towards moving on by going out with your friends. Of course those low key weekends are difficult - you have the downtime and you remember being with him meant no real downtime for you.
For your own well-being, you need to stop focusing on this ex boyfriend and focus on yourself. Trust me - I know EXACTLY what you are going through. My bf of 4 years and I broke up almost 4 weeks ago and from day one of our breakup - he's been on a match making site (for muslims, which I am not, which is even a more painful reminder of why he dumped me). He is clearly moving on, getting over it, and obviously fine with this situation. It's a hard pill to swallow, but swallow it for your own good.
I gave myself exactly 30 minutes to picture him moving on, feel the pain, and then I forced myself NOT to think about it again. Do NOT add him to your MSN list again. Take him off, remove him from your life. You've thought about it long enough and you deserve better than this. You deserve some piece.
You will be fine. The pain will lessen. It has for me. I feel like I'm definitely facing the reality of my situation - we're over, he's moved on, that's life. That really is life. In the end, the only person you can depend on is yourself. Focus on work or school or feeling good for now.