Don't Want to See Him Ever Again

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Don't Want to See Him Ever Again
12
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 7:31am

So...my MO is I am usually very eager to be friends with my exes, and 8 times out of 10, I make it happen, and, in the long term, a few of them have become pretty close, life-long friends.

But...I want nothing to do with my recent ex. He didn't do anything horrible, he's a great person....but a large part of me never wants to see or hear about him again. Because of this, NC has been easy for me. I just don't want to deal with our issues, which I see coming up in a friendship to a lesser degree, but still being hurtful for me. And then there is the fear of being left (abandoned) again. I try to remember that I may feel differently in a month or two, but sitting with this repulsion regarding contact is so new and wierd for me. I'm really hoping it's just a function of helping me move on, and not indicative of the long term. Or...maybe not being friends with him is OK? I've just never considered that...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 12:46pm

::Or...maybe not being friends with him is OK?


It's ok Claudia.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 3:51pm

It is absolutely never necessary or required to be friends with an ex.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Mon, 10-15-2007 - 4:49pm

Claudia,


You know mine told me that when we parted and I agreed that someday we could try. I wasnt sure I could handle it, friends told me to give it time before making that choice, but the truth is these last couple I dont think thats what I want....as Sandra says if they are toxic or horrible to you then most likely not! The more I look at my situation with him.....I dont want a friend like him....and Im afraid that Ill never be able to be just friends that he'll draw me back in.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Wed, 10-17-2007 - 6:50am

"Being friends with an ex does NOT say you're a great person, and not being friends with them doesn't say you're not."

Thanks for saying that, Sandra. I think that's a misconception I have. It's hard to believe that two good people shouldn't be friends after. I do feel like if they don't, there is something wrong. Intellectually I know that doesn't make sense, but emotionally, I find it very convincing. Something to work on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Wed, 10-17-2007 - 6:53am
Thanks for your words, Deb. I'm in a low place at the moment. I seem to be going through the depression phase of grief. It's not too severe, but my spark of wisdom is out of sight at the moment. I'm quite glum, and my thoughts are fragmented and chaotic. I know all my good, wise stuff is still in me, so I'm riding it out. This is just a bad phase.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Wed, 10-17-2007 - 6:59am

Claudia,


You hang in there and if you need anything or want to vent you come to me! Im a great listener! I understand how you feel because I think I too am now starting to reach that point....The tears had subsided the past few days, the nc was working, the anger was released, and I was actualy riding along there, then I fell apart again.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Wed, 10-17-2007 - 7:44am

Sue -

Your support has meant a lot to me these past weeks. I'm sorry we have to be feeling what we are feeling, but grateful there is a place like this and people like us to help along the journey.

My little sister, at 15, is wise beyond her years. I called her at my lowest two nights ago. I wanted to talk with someone who I knew loved me no matter what (I am almost twice her age, but we have been very close since her birth). She said to me, "It's normal to take a step back. We take a few steps forward, and then one back, but then we can go forward again. We are all so proud of how you are handling this. I love you so much."

I know depression is one of the normal stages of grief. I also felt some anger briefly over the weekend. Ups and downs are normal. It helps for me to remember all of that.

This is a rough road to be on.

Hang in there, and thanks again.

*hugs*

Claudia

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Wed, 10-17-2007 - 7:52am

i never try to stay friends with my exes. i am with some just because i still wanted to talk to them & be with them, but the same issues came up as friends so what was the point?


my last two exes, no intent at all. as i told the last one, why would i be friends with you? i still want to have s** with you & i don't want to hear about your girlfriends. besides, he put me last, behind HIS friends & MY best friend, so why would i be friends?


no need to feel any pressure ever to be friends. that's a hoax of break-up etiquette. do what's best for you.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2007
Wed, 10-17-2007 - 9:40am
Sue,


From Relationship Grieving Process:


"The third stage is depression and despair. This is the most difficult stage The excitement and drama of the breakup is over and you're left with the emptiness of the loss. Any past abandonments you may have struggled with , which you might have also experienced in the anger stage could come up for you now which could contribute to you feelings of sadness and depression. This can be a painful time for you but it is necessary for you to go through this stage in order to move on to a new relationship. If you stay in denial you will remain haunted by your past."


This is where I am. Past abandonments, despair, closely connected to feelings in anger stage, sadness, emptiness. Yup.


Claudia
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 10-17-2007 - 12:11pm

Hi Sue!


You've been giving some great input and support on the board, and we really appreciate that!

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