doubting myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2006
doubting myself
3
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 11:30pm
The first year I dated my ex, I didn't demand anything. He spent time with me when he wanted to and when he didn't, he didn't and I didn't complain. After a year, I sat down with him and said look, he's either in this or he's out. He said that given those teo choices, he's out. I walked away. Several weeks later, he came back saying that he made a mistake and that he was "in". I was hesitant at first but knew I'd give him another chance and I did. He changed completely after that. He was more attentive, he included me in his life more but it was hard for me at first to trust him again. He has a history of being in long term relationships that don't work out. He's now 38 years old and some of his friends and family have told me that they just don't think he can do it - meaning go the distance and commit. We had some difficult times and broke up a few times but were able to repair things. Last fall, he bought an apartment and I began to be hopeful but a part of me was still hesitant becuase of things he would say. "This would be a great place for a family" or these could be kids rooms, but never OUR family, never WE or US. I tried not to pressure him but I felt that everything is always on his own terms. This is the guy who told me that walking in front of me on the street was ok and that I was just being too needy asking him to walk with me. But I loved him. We finished renovation plans together on the apartment, I picked out things from bathtubs to door knobs. It's all his, I was just kind of there in the wings. In February he told me how love is stronger than most things and he believes in it and me - that the best was yet to come. We argue every now and then and things aren't perfect and he once said that if only we argued less, we'd be engaged. I took it upon myself to work on that. Went to counseling so that I could better bite my tongue and argue less. It worked. At a certain point, I just felt that I was giving a whole lot and not getting enough back. I felt tired and our sex life began to lack. Not because I didn't want to, but because I felt so neglected during the day. In May, I asked him if we were OK. He said yes. 5 hours later he said he didn't know and a week after that, he said that he couldn't do it anymore. He said that love wasn't enough and that he wasn't happy consistently - that while things could be better, there was n evidence of that. He didn't know if he was doing the right thing, but he didn't know if he was doing the wrong thing. He said he may come to regret this, but that he thought he was doing the best for both of us. Everyone told me to be silent - don't write, don't call, but I emailed and told him how I was feeling and that I thought all of this was wrong. I don't know if that was a mistake, but I did it. I just feel very lost now and I don't know what to do. What to think. It's been a month since I've seen him and I'm losing faith that he'll come back. If anyone has any advice for me, I'd really appreciate it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2006
Fri, 06-23-2006 - 11:50pm

Hi Nicole,

CUT YOUR LOSSES!

I am really sorry about your situation. This man sounds like he's the one who needs to go to counseling and figure out why he has commitment issues. I am sorry he's strung you along for so long. Yeah, I don't normally take sides, but this time it is so obviously his fault. Do NOT doubt yourself. Your feelings of wanting equality in a relationship are legitimate and reasonable. At the very least, you deserve a man who knows whether or not he wants you. Everybody has a right to be confused sometimes, but this guy stays that way.... He is definitely a lost cause. If anyone should know, it is definitely his family and friends. It sounds like you really, like him, but I think you can really, really like someone much better than him.

Best of luck--and don't worry about slipping up and contacting him. You should definitely not do it, but you're only human. I know I can't help myself. Whatever you do, respect yourself and don't even think of changing yourself anymore for this guy. Remember, he's the one that needs to get it together. You've done more than your fair share, and if he can't do that--cut him off! It's so cool that you were willing to improve yourself for a relationship and I hope that this experience with this (probably sweet and intelligent) wacko does not take that away from you.

Best of luck. Be strong!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 06-24-2006 - 1:27am

I'm really very very sorry about this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2006
Sat, 06-24-2006 - 7:26pm

ivil_nicole73

I can understand what emotions and feelings you are going through. I am walking down the same path. I want so much to stay with my boyfriend, but like yours, he says "he can't do this anymore." My guy has also had marriages (3) that failed and is not willing to see that he also has a big part to do with whether a relationship works or doesn't. I keep hoping he will see the light. But, it can really drain you. I just try to keep in mind that I am still a good person, and I deserve to be treated better. I know that God has a plan for you and also for me. It's hard right now, at times I just want to cry. But, I promised myself I would not e-mail or call him this time, as I have done so in the past.

Please have faith in yourself. You really seem like a very caring person. I wish you well.