doubting myself, blaming myself
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doubting myself, blaming myself
| Fri, 06-30-2006 - 1:42pm |
What a terrible day. Last night I was hopeful, forcing myself to pick myself up out of this rut and get move forward, but today I'm crashing. I hate reading all these postings because I want to write and give advice, but I just feel so bad and my lack of confidence leaves me feeling like I wouldn't say any of the right things. My friends have been telling me to move on - I was a doormat and took all the crumbs he gave me and tried to make that enough but today my head is just flooded with thoughts about what I did wrong - what I could have done better. He always said we couldn't communicate, we couldn't talk without everything blowing up and I sit here blaming myself. I've never been told that before and I feel like I've always been a good listener with my friends. Whenever he wanted to bring something up and talk, it just came out of him so cold and callously, that my first response after a while was to protect myself - be defensive. Sometimes I ran away - physically. He could start a conversation with, "you know - I just feel the passion is gone" and be all dramatic and I would sit there feeling so hurt - and really, what does someone say to that? I just didn't know how to have a productive conversation when he started out with such harsh words all the time - or did it in a way that I knew a "break" or "needing space" was coming. Maybe if I just listened better, not got so upset and defensive things would be different. He's a lawyer and always was able to twist everything around and so often I just felt beaten down. But maybe I could have handled it better. I don't know. The last time I heard from him was by email 8 days ago and I haven't seen him in over a month. I guess a part of me always hopes he'll come back - call or email, but as time goes by, I just lose faith in that. I know so many of you are going through this or something similar and even though I don't have many words of wisdom right now, I feel for you and understand how hard it is. I can say that re: contact - I've come to believe that you have to just force yourself to get through your moments of weakness. You know, they could call too. As simple as it sounds, and I know it hurts so much, but why reach out to someone and why give so much of your spirit and self away to someone who doesn't want you -at least right now. My heart may be heavy, but my head still knows that. You all deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you and doesn't want to lose you. These are just hard times.

You are exactly right these are HARD TIMES....
I'm sorry you are feeling that it is your fault, but IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. If this man truly wanted to be with you, truly loved you he would've found a way to make it work with you regardless of what you did or didn't do.
Chalk this up to a learning experience and when your next relationship rolls around you will know what to do and to say.
It does get better, trust me.
~Amber~
I've had a bunch of breathrough moments like the one you're going through now.