the dreaded "break"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2007
the dreaded "break"
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Sun, 05-13-2007 - 9:21pm

(sorry this is so long)

i've been looking around on message boards for someone who has experienced what i'm going through, but nothing has quite the same twists and turns i'm dealing with. so here's the issue.

i met my boyfriend from a dating website, and we were together constantly since, for 6 weeks. 5 weeks into it, on a camping trip, he said "i love you. do you love me?" i said i thought i did, and the next day, i told him wholeheartedly i did, and told him many times since. i've met his family, he's met mine, and we've talked about the future.. discussions usually initiated by him. he told his mother he thought i'd make a good mother.

about two weeks ago, we had a little squabble about who was cooking breakfast, but we parted easily, and he said we'd do barbeque at my house (where i live with roommates, i've been wanting him to stay here sometimes, but he's more into staying at his place - he's 30 and lives on his own). after that, i didn't hear from him for two days. my heart was sick, because we had talked so constantly before that, i knew something was wrong. i finally sent him an email asking if he was okay, and he said he was fine and we'd talk later. so we talked, and the conversation started normally, but then he said he didn't know what he wanted, and needed time alone to figure it out. since, we have had a couple phone calls (each a couple hours), and he says he loves me, and that he can actually see us getting married and being happy, but that he still needs this time to "clear his head."

i asked if there was anyone else, and he said no. he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me, or with anyone. we have tentatively set the deadline at a month for him to decide. he has used the "it's not you it's me" line, but has also brought up little squabbles we've had and said he doesn't know what will happen when we have a big one. i told him he never will know until it happens, and maybe it never will - but then he goes back to it not being about that at all, and he just needs to sort his head out. he doesn't want to lose me, but obviously that hasn't motivated him enough to the point of actually being back together. he can't tell me if we're broken up or not.

so what i guess i need to know is.. should i give up on this now? if two weeks has gone by and he still doesn't know, is our fledgling relationship healthy enough to sustain the early break? anyone have insight as to what IS going on in his head?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 12:13am

Imk1707...

If you don't mind a little honesty from "another man"---Pianoguy would like to offer his 2 cents about male behavior.

When a man wants to crash (aka go to bed) at his place...LET HIM! At 30 years (or older), many of us have a tough time adapting to someone else's space...particularly if the woman we're interested in has roommates. For some reason...most of the women I know DON'T SEEM TO HAVE THIS PROBLEM? .

My best guess is that your 6-week boyfriend probably is starting to feel that the relationship is moving a little too quickly? Granted...he was the one who said I LOVE YOU first! But there ARE men who can act on impulse and reveal their inner thoughts 'at the drop of a hat!'

Then...a few days or a week goes by...and they realize that in order to have a partner, they have to relinquish their single lifestyle! So many of us start to "rethink", "regret" and attempt to "retract?" Many women won't accept, embrace or don't even want to hear words that might result in a split...or at least no contact?

Look! You KNOW you want him! But the feelings have to be mutual on his side in order for a relationship to work! So what would happen if you remained incommunicado for a few weeks? Let HIM contact you. When you feel that he's ready to reveal his feelings---meet on neutral ground....like a restaurant, the beach, the park...anywhere that you can talk!

Then look him straight in the eye and say this:

"I KNOW I WANT TO BE WITH YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE---BUT I'M NOT GOING WASTE IT WAITING FOR YOU TO FEEL THE SAME WAY! IF YOUR FEELINGS AREN'T SIMILAR TO MINE...LET'S MAKE A CLEAN BREAK! THIS WAY...YOU CAN FIND SOMEONE ELSE WHO MIGHT MAKE YOU HAPPIER? AND I'LL ATTEMPT TO DO THE SAME!"

If that last sentence doesn't wake him up...toss the fish back in the ocean and pursue someone else!

GOOD LUCK!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 2:17am

Ah yes, the dreaded "break." Only a problem if you make it one. Seriously.

With the exception of PG's last all-caps statement, which would send ME running for the hills, I agree with what he said in his post to you. Sorry, PG, but come on, he'd have to know if it's "the rest of his life"? At six weeks? ;)

At 30, I don't think he'd want to do what would ultimately feel like "slumber parties" with you and your roomies. As a grown man, I'm sure he'd have preferred to stay in his own bed, maybe with you there.

Sometimes, people let their mouths run without even thinking. That's pretty dang irresponsible, but not unheard of. I did it. I said I love you first to my ex and he said it back, it was too soon. Afterwards, we both were like, why'd we do that now? We wanted to not necessarily take it back, because once it's out there it's out there, and I was feeling it and eventually so did he, but we should have waited for that first time. It just added this whole new level of expectation neither of us was ready for yet.

A few things:
1. People in relationships must be allowed their own free time. Two days is not an eternity, so don't act like it is.
2. You went to instant relationship instead of just dating. The kiss of death, but not un-fixable ;) Again, I say this from the annals of my own mistakes. Enjoy the dating without having to turn it into relationship!
3. If he's not certain he wants to be with you, honestly, it's because he's not sure if the interaction you've had between you is what he wants in his life later. Be honest with yourself, is there something you're doing that could be at the root of this? If not, then it is him, but if there's something you can address in yourself, do it now.
4. You may think they're 'squabbles' but not everyone has the same view of what constitutes conflict, and if the way you two resolve conflict doesn't make both of you happy, then both of you will suffer.

Are you sure of your words? Do you know what it is to truly love someone? Are you willing to let him off the hook for those words, or is he now obligated to you for saying them? If he's now obligated to you for saying them possibly too soon, you don't really love him.

It sounds like you two were a freight train getting ready to run off the rails at the breakneck speed you were going and that this "break" could be just the ticket to slow you two down, re-assess what you truly mean to each other, and possibly get back on the same page again.

Let this space happen, concentrate on your activities, your friends, your family and your life. Throw him for a loop, agree that this break is a good thing for both of you and watch his face. I *WISH* someone would have told me that when my ex and I took a break, maybe I wouldn't have freaked and gotten scared and resentful afterwards and we might have been able to keep it from eventually going to 'breakup.' I'll never know, but you might find out.

Anything is possible with the right attitude. If it doesn't survive this even with your *best* attitude, then it wasn't supposed to be anyway.

Best, 

~Sandra
CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
CL-Understanding Men




Edited 5/14/2007 4:26 am ET by cl-i_b_sandradee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2007
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 5:02pm

thanks to both of you. your advice has been a good bit more rational and insightful than that of my friends and family (thank goodness for the internet). i have been trying to concentrate in the last couple weeks on breaking a couple of relationship bad habits by acknowledging them in my head, and promising myself to do better, so that when the time comes, if it comes, there are less issues working against me.

understanding his motivations was key to cuing my reactions over the last couple weeks. not having any clue or insight, i was lost as to how i was supposed to respond, if i should re-build that wall of protection, or keep myself vulnerable. both of your posts have taught me that this isn't necessarily time to hit the panic button and evacuate emotionally.

i decided that my role will be to support him, not bring him down, and be a friend to him right now. i don't want to impose a no-contact rule, though i have not contacted him first in any of these instances (except a new email string, but i'm not counting that against myself!). having given myself a role, i can guide my steps - maybe it's in my nature to need a part to "act" - am i an employee right now, a coworker, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a wife? losing that role with someone as important as him made me feel utterly lost.

we had a really good conversation last night - we were silly, we talked about work, our friends, even a little flirty.. no pressure. it felt good to just be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2007
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 3:17pm

i have a follow-up.. i'd really appreciate some input.

we met for drinks two nights ago, and ended up getting back together. he said he didn't realize how much he missed me until he saw, and that he had butterflies in his stomach. last night, i was at his house, he told me he loved me, started talking about all the stuff we used to talk about, cuddled me and told me "this is where i belong" which was all wonderful.

however.. there is another girl's hair all over his house. i am assuming this is because he had someone over at least once when we were apart for 3 weeks, even though he told me there was no one else. do i ask him about the hair? or if he's still seeing this person? if it's over and done with, i can deal, but if he's still not sure, i don't know if i want to put myself through that emotional rollercoaster.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 3:59pm

Amazing how we focus only on what we want to.

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Registered: 05-13-2007
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 4:57pm

not sure if the reason is because we were going too fast.. he always said he was worried i wouldn't want to get married soon enough for him.. the reason might have been that he wanted to get back with an ex, or try things out with other people, and then realized he missed me. maybe it's all symptomatic of the same issue, but i have my doubts. you could be right that jumping right back in where we left off may be too much - but i was just so overcome with it all, i couldn't help it. i missed hearing it so much. i didn't pressure him into saying anything, didn't drop any hints about the future..

i did not go home with him that night. we did, however, have a quickie in the parked car.

so. i guess the other woman issue is irrelevant? if it's workin' and healthy, it is what it is, but if the same issue (too fast, too much, missed ex, whatever) is still in place, we're going to crash again in 6 weeks? i just feel like i trust that he has decided, and he wouldn't be saying these things if he was still entertaining doubts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 5:53pm

....."so. i guess the other woman issue is irrelevant? if it's workin' and healthy, it is what it is, but if the same issue (too fast, too much, missed ex, whatever) is still in place, we're going to crash again in 6 weeks? i just feel like i trust that he has decided, and he wouldn't be saying these things if he was still entertaining doubts.".....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2007
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 6:42pm

i feel like i should be laying on a couch and paying you $200. i'm glad i posted - it looks like i needed a jolt of reason. i think i forgot the goal of "healthy relationship" in the rush of "getting him back." since i blundered the beginning a little bit, i think that slowing it down at this point while making him think it's his idea may take a fair bit of finesse - there's a fine line to walk between too much and not enough. do i limit the days per week i see him? i think if i went from sleeping with him to not sleeping with him suddenly, it may seem a little jarring, but not if i don't spend the night..

this is such new territory for me. i am a relationship feeler, not a thinker.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 1:24pm

....."this is such new territory for me. i am a relationship feeler, not a thinker."....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2007
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 12:58pm
well, i slowed things down with the guy, we agreed to take it one day at a time, but were still spending time together as boyfriend and girlfriend (we agreed to be exclusive).. then i found out he was lying about seeing other people, in fact, actively searching out people to date on match.com. live and learn.

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