the dreaded "break"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2007
the dreaded "break"
12
Sun, 05-13-2007 - 9:21pm

(sorry this is so long)

i've been looking around on message boards for someone who has experienced what i'm going through, but nothing has quite the same twists and turns i'm dealing with. so here's the issue.

i met my boyfriend from a dating website, and we were together constantly since, for 6 weeks. 5 weeks into it, on a camping trip, he said "i love you. do you love me?" i said i thought i did, and the next day, i told him wholeheartedly i did, and told him many times since. i've met his family, he's met mine, and we've talked about the future.. discussions usually initiated by him. he told his mother he thought i'd make a good mother.

about two weeks ago, we had a little squabble about who was cooking breakfast, but we parted easily, and he said we'd do barbeque at my house (where i live with roommates, i've been wanting him to stay here sometimes, but he's more into staying at his place - he's 30 and lives on his own). after that, i didn't hear from him for two days. my heart was sick, because we had talked so constantly before that, i knew something was wrong. i finally sent him an email asking if he was okay, and he said he was fine and we'd talk later. so we talked, and the conversation started normally, but then he said he didn't know what he wanted, and needed time alone to figure it out. since, we have had a couple phone calls (each a couple hours), and he says he loves me, and that he can actually see us getting married and being happy, but that he still needs this time to "clear his head."

i asked if there was anyone else, and he said no. he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me, or with anyone. we have tentatively set the deadline at a month for him to decide. he has used the "it's not you it's me" line, but has also brought up little squabbles we've had and said he doesn't know what will happen when we have a big one. i told him he never will know until it happens, and maybe it never will - but then he goes back to it not being about that at all, and he just needs to sort his head out. he doesn't want to lose me, but obviously that hasn't motivated him enough to the point of actually being back together. he can't tell me if we're broken up or not.

so what i guess i need to know is.. should i give up on this now? if two weeks has gone by and he still doesn't know, is our fledgling relationship healthy enough to sustain the early break? anyone have insight as to what IS going on in his head?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 1:58pm

The fact that he's still been actively searching online dating sites this early into the relationship doesn't really put me off as much as the fact that you both had a verbal agreement to be exclusive to one another and he broke that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2007
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 2:32pm

yep, it definitely wasn't the dating site that bothered me (well a little, but not dealbreaking) - it was the sneakiness. it felt like he wanted to try out two lifestyles at the same time to see which he liked better.

i hope things went well with your ex! thanks again for all your awesome advice, i know it will be useful come the next time around.

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