The Dreaded Drunk-Dial

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2006
The Dreaded Drunk-Dial
3
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 3:34pm

So my BF and I broke up 3 weeks ago (he broke up with me, though I should have first but I'm co-dependent and stay in R's too long every time. ugh)

Anyway, he and I have had no contact for a week and suddenly last night he called me after having a few drinks at a bar (a lot of drinks) and wanted to know if I hated him. I don't hate him and I told him that, but he was reckless with my feelings and he hurt me.

Anyway, to make a long story short, he ended up coming over last night and he stayed the night. UGH. It was great to be close to him and make up, but we both agree NOT to be back together.

Here is my problem: I love the idea of once in a while hooking up if we feel lonely and want to re-connect, but it is so much easier for a guy to detach emotionally with the physiucal stuff than a woman. Now I am thiking about him and wondering when/if he will call again. And I am roped back into a feeling of closeness with him and wanting his warmth in my bed. I CAN'T go back there, and I need to move on.

It seems like biology explains the emotional difference between men and women with hookups. THat is, women literally LET the guy IN with sex, and so it makes sense that emotionally we would mirror that and have trouble letting go. We are usually choosy with who we let in. Guys on the other hand do the in and out thing literally and it makes sense they can walk away no strings.

I don't want to get roped in. I wasn't in love with him, that is not the problem. I just struggle in general with independence and letting go. But I still want to have his physical warmth and affection from time to time.

Do any of you think it is possible to do that casually???


-Dianne, 41 yo
DH 37


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2007
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 3:54pm

NO. Maybe some women can do that but from everything that you wrote about yourself, NO. I face the same difficulties some times, and think i can be ok by hooking up casually but all it does is make you take a step back and miss that closeness and intimacy, which in turn makes you want them back, and then you're back to square one. i did the same thing last week (we broke up 3 weeks ago too -weird, and i wasn't in love with him either but i cared A LOT about him, and also have trouble letting go of relationships), and although i thought i was fine with it, and that i knew it was completely casual, once you are alone again and the night/day is over, the emotions of missing him and wanting that come back so intensely and you just get overwhelmed. and it blurs your logic of all the reasons why you know you're not supposed to be together.

so no, don't think it's possible. it'll only make getting over him so much harder.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 8:40am
Okay Loves_me, I want you to re-read your post a few times. Do you realize how irrational you sound? I don't want to offend you, but you are setting yourself up for some serious heartache. You are not over him. By allowing him to come over... you are allowing him to have his cake and eat it to. He just wants to sleep with you... nothing more. I understand you like that physical closeness and affection, but it doesnt help anything. It just keeps you in one spot. It doesn't help you let go or gain that independence back. You even said it yourself.. you have trouble letting go. SO how is keeping him around for something casual going to help you let him go? It doesn't. It just prolongs your "move-on". Now you are wondering what he is thinking and if he is going to call. When he doesn't, you are going to feel rejected and used. So you are going to start over from day 1. I realize women are different from men... and THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT! We do feel an attachment when sex is involved. You are right about the biological aspect of it. It's a primal behavior that is seen in almost all species... males want to spread their genes as much as possible with whoever will accept them, and females want to pro-create with the best possible mate (sorry Im a scientist!). My suggestion is... start over with No Contact. Make it very clear to him you don't want to speak to him for awhile. And begin the healing process. You never know what is out there waiting for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2006
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 10:52am

Oh my god, you guys are so right.

I don't think he is a dog, I just think he is emotionally unavailable...and I can do better.


-Dianne, 41 yo
DH 37