drinks not a success

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
drinks not a success
11
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 2:38am
After 3 1/2 months of no contact, we got together for drinks to celebrate my recent trial victory (his suggestion). He looked okay, was the same old guy, I found him appealing but wasn't overcome with chemistry or anything. I looked good, the waiter kept hitting on me, and I was wearing perfume that makes *me* hot and usually causes a man-swarm. So, we had about an hour and a half of nice conversation, catching up, chatting, nothing all that serious. That was all fine, and I don't know, maybe we can be friends, although I was just reminded by how different his perspective on life is from mine (he's very pessimistic and hostile, I try to be more accepting/forgiving/let life flow).

Then, he brings up the breakup. Now, for those of you who know the story (check my prior posts) it was an ugly, difficult breakup after I had a brush with cancer. He suggests that I think he was the worst boyfriend ever. I'm not in the mood to get into all of it, but I did end it and never gave him "the talk," so if he wants to discuss it I'm willing. But I tried to keep it light, at first just saying that I thought he was a great man but that I regreted how it ended. He's more persistent, and he mentions something about me bashing him to all of my friends (of course I have) and how unfair that seems. That hits a button for me (these are all the friends who supported me when he was MIA when I had cancer, I feel closer to them than to him), and I say that, actually, I posted something about our breakup on the internet and (from the various boards where I posted) got hundreds of responses, that we were famous (but anonymous). I mentioned that everyone, friend, family, or internet stranger, had agreed that his behavior was not appropriate. He was taken aback.

He started justifying himself and his behavior. We got into specifics, and there's always an excuse. At one point, he says that he doesn't remember me ever specifically requesting that he go to the hospital with me for the surgery or biopsies. I think that's the craziest thing I ever heard, so I mentioned that I guess that was the problem - I wasn't prepared to go through another round of biopsies, or cancer, or face possible miscarriages, or whatever, without his support unless I "specifically requested" it. In fact, I did beg him to go to the hospital, but even just to play along, that's ridiculous. I mention that casual acquaintances, coworkers, my ex-husband, all volunteered (without a "specific request") to go to the hospital because anyone knows this was serious. I mention that hundreds of strangers on the internet agreed, that not one single person had come down on his side of this story. I think it goes without saying that you are concerned and supportive when your girlfriend of almost-2 years is facing cancer, without awaiting a "specific request." He honestly still thinks he's blameless.

So, the whole email about understanding that he'd been a selfish jerk and apologizing for hurting me, that was all total crap. He's still all "my needs," talking about how we weren't spending enough time together for him to be emotionally supportive (he wasn't getting, so he wasn't giving), even saying that I "pushed him away." He brings up Christmas. I got a call from my doctor saying they'd made a mistake telling me my September pap was normal, it had come back showing malignant cells, and I got this call in early December (so I may have had cancer for three months at that point). I had a biopsy 12/10 and got my biopsy results on Christmas Eve. I was very upset from early December (in emotional melt-down, frankly, with an extensive family history of cancer), and told him I just wasn't in the "Christmas spirit" and wanted to kind of defer it until after I knew if I had cancer. I just wanted to do something quiet and minimal, and said we could (hopefully) celebrate after I knew what I was facing. He told me that he was disappointed that I couldn't even shop with him and get in the mood for Christmas. We did spend Christmas together with his parents. Again, my breath is just knocked out of me at how clueless that was, and how much he still didn't get it - I spent every waking moment (and there wasn't much sleep) waiting to hear if I had cancer, I really wasn't in the mood for shopping and carolling and seeing little kids visiting Santa without obsessing about cancer and fertility problems, and he still doesn't get that, he feels cheated because I was the Grinch who stole Christmas for him.

All that talk in his email about recognizing that he was selfish and he hurt me, that was all just crap. He's still talking about how I wasn't meeting his needs (he wouldn't come out and say sexual needs, but that's a big part of what was going on) and that he didn't think he needed to do anything for me unless "specifically requested," that I couldn't be upset he wasn't emotionally supportive if I didn't lay out exactly what I wanted him to do.

He even had an answer to my big realization that he just wasn't all that interested in me. I sort of grilled him on it - names of my brother and sister, where I grew up, my favorite author (I'm a lit major), author about whom I've published an essay, etc. He couldn't come up with a single thing. He admitted that I'd never kept any secrets from him or refused to answer any questions from him, his lame response was that all that information didn't seem that important to me, so he didn't see why it should be important to him. I know we discussed all of those things, back in the getting to know you stage, and I know that I cherished everything he told me about himself, so I can recite an impressive list of things about him, his childhood, his dreams and memories, and I did, just to prove it. No, I don't think we discussed more than once how he wore a Superman cape to school every day for a year, but I remembered it, so what's the excuse for not remembering those things about me (or asking about them later, for that matter)?

On the one hand, I can't deny the attraction to him, and seeing him again made me kind of miss him. But, honestly, I had an intense emotional tie to him, I saw us as a couple going through life together and facing problems (like health problems) together, and he simply wasn't on the same page. He still doesn't get it, I tried to tell him that just for a while I needed the relationship to be about me, for me and my needs to be first, and he just looked at me blankly ("isn't that what we did all along?" well, no, actually). He pulls out this business about how he was never that happy in the relationship, how he didn't think we had a close emotional relationship, blah blah blah. Of course, that wasn't the tune he was singing when he convinced me to move in with him, started window-shopping for rings, told me how lucky he was to have me, whatever. Now, revisionist history, somehow it was all an awful situation, and his utter failure to react like a normal human being, let alone a good boyfriend, that's all a symptom of this "bad relationship" rather than any mistake or personal flaw of his. So, no apology, no "you're right, I'm selfish" like he said in his email, just "I never really loved you that much, that's why we ended, but let's not ruin our 'hanging out' time by discussing it."

Bottom line: he is still a completely self-absorbed, selfish idiot. He pulled out all the charisma and charm he had, and it still didn't blind me to that. I wanted to be cool and composed, but he really pissed me off, I ended up raising my voice (it was a bar on Saturday night, though, plenty of people basically yelling everywhere), and I ended up crying. I just want to beat him up, but it is now abundantly clear to me - he really is stupid and selfish. I cannot believe I heard him tell me that he understood I was worried that I had cancer, that I was scared, that I had no family out here, but he felt no need/obligation/desire to go with me to the hospital, and, anyway, he doesn't remember a "specific request" that he do so. I don't want to hear from him again.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 10:18pm
*bump* Milton, I think you needed a reminder...

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