Dumb questions

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Dumb questions
6
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 4:47pm

I'm starting to get my head above water, so to speak, and I have some pretty dumb questions to ask of all of you (dumb because there probably are no "right" answers and/or I already know the answer, but I've got to ask anyway). Here goes --

1. How long should I expect to experience this sickly, sinking feeling post break-up? It comes and goes in waves, but can anyone give me a time-line, drawing from experience (we were together a year and have been apart three months)?

2. If that "feeling" or a crying jag surfaces when I'm around my close girlfriends/family, do I express my sadness to the other party or is it better to "fake it till you make it" and act like nothing is wrong? I don't want to go on forever about my Ex and I feel as though my associates are beginning to tire of the subject (although they insists they are fine with providing the shoulder to cry on).

3. Should I avoid places where my Ex may be? I'm serious about this one -- I honestly don't know what to do. We live in a suburban area within 25 miles of each other. I work in the town next to his. The chances of us running into each other are pretty good, although he's not very social. So, do I steer clear his favorite bars and stores? I feel better avoiding his actual town because I don't want to see him drive past me, etc. I also don't want to be reminded of him. Is this avoidance a bad idea or just a way to play it safe until I'm over him?

4. Is it good to get out and date as many men as possible (who are decent, datable men, of course) or should I wait until I'm totally "over" him? What about hook-ups? Honestly, I've smooched a couple cute boys and have given my number out and this made me feel pretty fabulous. But, I don't feel as though I'm ready to date anyone for real. Do I avoid the "scene" or jump right in?

Ok, I think that's all for now. Please let me know what you all think, thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: catalpa8
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 5:11pm

catalpa8....


First....your questions are not dumb!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
In reply to: catalpa8
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 5:20pm
THANKS PIANOGUY. I always enjoy your responses b/c they are very clear-cut. For the record, I have not wallowed in my misery, at least publicly, for the past two months. This past weekend I started to get sad as a friend and I sat down to order a drink at a local pub (I'd had no drinks at that point, mind you). I was overtaken by tears when she brought up the subject of break-ups, so I let them flow. But nothing like that has happened for a couple of months. I just wondered if I should've excused myself and came back with a smile plastered on my face. Ok, that's it..
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: catalpa8
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 5:41pm

My thoughts:

1. My experience has been that it takes about half the time you were in the r'ship to get over someone...IF you have no contact with your ex AND you actively work on accepting that it's over and that the two of you aren't right for each other.

2. I think it depends on the circumstances. You shouldn't have to hide your feelings from your closest friends, but if you're out and about, that may not be the best time to express sadness.

3. Yes, avoid.

4. No on dating...in my experience, dating before you're ready just makes you feel worse.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
In reply to: catalpa8
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 6:04am

catalpa, :)

my two cents:

(1) according to charlotte of sex and the city (which is my bible, haha)...it takes half the length of your relationship to "get over it." ...however, i dont buy it...lol...i think it varies... depending on the relationship, depending on the individual, depending on how youve been coping.. etc etc...

(2) i think it depends on who youre with...when im with my girlfriends and people whom im comfortable with and i trust ... i have no quams letting out my feelings in front of them - even if it means im tearing up! However, i dont do that in front of everyone... i stay strong, and as you say, "fake it til i make it." like you, i dont want to tire out my associates either - and im sure i have!! ..hence, i figure id "spread" my sorrows around to a psychiatrist, lol..

(3) i wouldnt run away from the ex as though he is the plague...youre both mature enough to handle an encounter if necesarry. HOWEVER, if avoiding a run-in with him isnt THAT difficult - then id suggest doing so...at least until YOU are ready to face him.

(4)getting attention from "cute boys" is always a ego-booster...casually dating may not be so bad ...BUT, id only "hook up" and actually rebound when you are READY to. otherwise, it'll blow up in your face and set you eons back... TRUST me... last year, when my ex and i broke up - i started dating this (really great) guy for about a month or so to spite the ex... well, i slept with him after that month or so of dating, and i did that to "prove to myself that i can get over my ex" and to "make myself feel better" ...well - THAT DID NOT WORK. its one of the biggest regrets i have, and really - it made me feel WORSE. soooo...approach with caution!

:)
eeksj

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
In reply to: catalpa8
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 12:01am
YOu are right that there are night "right answers".
From my own experience, I broke up with one serious boyfriend (2 years and living together) and was so devastated that I got myself into a situation with a man who happened to be there and gave me attention. I was not in a space where I was making rational decisions and am really lucky I didn't end up with an STD or pregnant. He wasn't a bad man or anything, but I was NOT thinking when I got with him, I was just hurting so bad and he was a distraction. It can be dangerous to just go out there and date around while you're still feeling sick and vulnerable. It's never good to enter a relationship with a gaping open wound. That's just from my experience. With my current breakup, I plan to take time- at least a few months until I feel strong and healthy and beautiful again. That way, I hope I'll attract a person of substance rather than someone looking to prey on me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to: catalpa8
Mon, 05-09-2005 - 10:03pm
I don't think these are dumb questions...you just want all the opinions you can handle!!
1. How long should I expect to experience this sickly, sinking feeling post break-up? It comes and goes in waves, but can anyone give me a time-line, drawing from experience (we were together a year and have been apart three months)?
I think this varys from person to person and relationship to relationship and there is no set time line.
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