Dumped 2nd time in 3 mos.!
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| Thu, 05-26-2005 - 12:13pm |
Warning! This is a long post. You might as well get some snacks and use the restroom if you have to.
So I was here about three months ago because my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years broke up with me. I actually have taken it pretty well. Our relationship had been dying so it wasn't really unexpected. I was keeping myself busy and making plans. I decided not to dwell and mostly succeeded. I still get down sometimes and miss him a lot. I did love him (still do, probably always will), don't get me wrong. We all mourn differently. I used singlehood as an excuse to change things in my life and better myself. I've lost weight, started jogging, quit smoking and am making plans to go back to school. I haven't spoken with my ex since the breakup. I actually can't. I don't know where he is. I don't know if I would if it were an option to me anyway. I think that's partially why I'm doing so well.
So a few days after my ex and I broke up, I decided to hit the town for some much-needed cheering up. I certainly wouldn't have said no to a hookup, and actually welcomed one. I figured, hey, I'm single and I have needs. I'll just see if anyone catches my eye. I figured that was unlikely but I was open to it. I met a really attractive guy at a bar and thought, here we go! After talking for a while, I also learned that he was clever, witty, driven and a total smart-ass (a plus for me). I ended up going home with him. We didn't sleep together, though I wanted to (I later learned it was because he liked me too much for a one-night stand). We ended up actually dating. I know, you're thinking it was a bad idea with me being on the rebound and all. I was upfront with him about it though. And really, I thought, why should I not see this great guy? Because there's some arbitrary time frame I'm supposed to wait out until I can be released back into the dating pool? Haven't I allowed my ex to hold me back from enough? I said screw it and went for it.
Things were great for a while. We had a lot of fun together and I was pretty comfortable around him. He was attentive, complimentary, interesting and affectionate. I did have qualms though. We have very different personalities and goals. The thought of another relationship so soon scared me. I got to a point where I decided to stop dooming everything and just go with it. We started seeing each other exclusively. The past month things seemed to be cooling off and I was getting frustrated by that. He wasn't calling or wanting to spend time together as much. I had contemplated breaking up on a few occasions but wondered if I was overthinking things. I mean, I thought he was pretty great and I might have been too hard on him. He did have a crazy work schedule and was very busy otherwise. I thought it was time to have a talk about our expectations and see if we could make it work. Well, he came over to talk last night but had already made up his mind. It was over.
I wasn't very surprised or upset. I mean, losing my ex was horrible, gut-wrenching pain. This was really just a hiccup in comparison. He was great, but I didn't have the feeling that we would ever really get anywhere. I guess the differences we had could be seen as "cute" in the beginning of a relationship but in the long run, not so much. And I'm not at a point where I want to be seriously involved with someone that I don't foresee any real future with. Despite all of this, I'm hurting a bit today. I really will miss him. He was a lot of fun and I loved spending time with him. Part of me wishes we could have maybe tried a little longer, but that would have only made the inevitable harder. I guess I just feel that losing two people who I cared about so close together is a lot to take. Kids, this is why rebounds are bad. I don't regret it though. I do think that I was working through a lot of the issues I had with my ex through him. Like I was again trying to save something that couldn't be saved. I was making compromises and giving the benefit of understanding I didn't afford my ex. Neither situation made me very happy but I tried to settle. No dating for me for a while. I need to figure out what I want and not accept any less.
What really frustrates me is that both my ex and the new guy reassured me how great I was after breaking up with me. If I'm so smart, fun, beautiful, funny, etc., why do the men keep running away? I guess that's a line, right? Well, for sanity's sake I'm going to assume it's not. I'm a great catch and someday I'll find someone who won't make me settle for less than what I want. And by the time I find him, I'll be in a much better place to love and be loved.
Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading this far! I really just needed to vent. Big hugs to everyone out there dealing with a breakup (or two)! :)

I doesn't sound to me like men keep running away from you: it sounds like you know yourself well enough to know when it's time to move on, and are strong enough to realize it isn't your fault that someone else is not the right match for you.
After your first break up this year, you used your time very admirably: focusing on you, not the past relationship, and doing things to better yourself in the short and long term.
You moved on, allowed yourself to get to know someone new, and though there was chemistry, it was a simple case of not being the right match - no one ran, and no one dumped you, but someone had the decentcy to be honest and how he felt, and you confirmed how you had been feeling as well.
After a long term relationship, you are likely going to have more than one 'short term' relationship before you find another serious partner. That's the beauty of getting out and dating: a chance to meet new people, test your standards, and confirm them when you know you haven't found the right match, just yet.
i was involved in a similar situation
i broke up with my ex and jumped right into the arms of a "perfect on paper" rebound. my ex was a total jerk and even tho i loved him (how sad that sounds), i was able to rationalize why the break up was the right decision. i knew that being in love w/him was no enough, i needed other things from the relationship.
things with the rebound were good, but kinda stagnant. it seemed like we were both tryig to make it work bc we were so perfect for each other. we were dating for a little under 2 months and i would always wonder why things are kinda weird... like we didnt click or something and things felt a bit forced. however, he was there for me right after my breakup so i wasnt about to break it off w/him even for that. but one day we sat down and had a long talk and openly discussed our feelings, which turned out to be the same (less him gettin over an ex). so we broke up.
so here i was trying to get over 2 guys at once. its hard i have to admit. and the thing with my rebound is that we talk here and there bc were in the same social circle and it makes things a bit difficult, bc i like him as a person.
but in any case, now i just steer clear of relatinships. i go out all the time with my girlfriends and when i meet hot guys, and they ask me out, i go out with them, but i never get into anything that would be called any type of relationshp. i'm just not ready right now.