Dumped and Devastated: Please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Dumped and Devastated: Please help.
4
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 3:58pm
Please, any reassurance anyone out there can provide would be so appreciated. I had been seeing a man, named Pete, for about a year. Then we broke up for six months because whenever I questioned him about what he wanted from our relationship, he would become vague and non-committal, so I ultimately got out. Now, about two months ago, he reappeared, full of declarations of how much he'd missed me and how much he couldn't bear to lose me again and how he'd realized how much he'd loved and needed me once I was gone.

Of course, idiot that I am, I fell for it. Every line. And, I mean, he was saying things about marriage and having kids (I'm only 29) and wanting to be with me forever. "I am never going to let you go again," was one of his vows.

Um.... so why, then, after two months of dating again, did he now just turn around and say he was "unsure" of his feelings and that he "didn't actually know" what he wanted anymore and that maybe we'd just be better off as friends? I swear to God I did none of the typical "this will scare him off" things-- no excessive calling, no irrational demands on his time, etc. etc.-- and I stupidly thought he'd meant all the things he said.

Now I've ended it for good; I will never talk to this guy again. But between me and all of you, I just want to cry for the rest of my life. How could I have been so stupid? And is he just a pathological liar? Why would someone do this to another person? Did he ever even love me?

I am feeling supremely pathetic, and would be so grateful for any words of encouragement (and anyone who wants to tell me what a loser scumbag he is can go right on ahead, too.)

Thanks: Louisa
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 4:40pm
Please run to your bookstore and get a copy of the book "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter. It will help you not feel so alone and stupid. Your ex sounds like a classic commitmentphobe, and the book will help you recognize these men in the future so you don't make the same mistake. It also has great tips for getting over a c'phobic r'ship.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 5:06pm
He is a loser-scumbag! --- just kidding. It does get a little too easy to bash each others exes.

Ok, he probably does love you, but he cannot commit. He is operating on major fear, and whenever you two get too close, he freaks. I have heard it referred to as the 'push-pull' syndrome. You get too close-- he backs off. You give him his space - he's the one who closes the gap. You don't have to be pushy, He grows uncomfortable just knowing that you want commitment. He is feeling the pressure within his self. You are not doing ANYHTHING wrong. I had the same situation with my ex to a degree. He seemed to be feeling pressure from me, when I never even said or did anything. Just him knowing how deeply in love I was with him was enough to freak him out a bit. I remember him saying (after us being in an exclusive relationship for a year) that maybe I could backoff a little emotionally (WTF?). That was his answer when he started questioning if I was the one, and he needed to figure his self out. Ummm how do I do that? I basically told him that I didn't see any reason to do that and I wouldn't know how to do that. I never demanded anything from him. Hardly ever called him (he called me every night). Never demanded that we see each other more often, which would have been hard anyway with our work schedules, and our respective children's activities. Never pushed a permanent commitment, didn't talk about us in the future -- other than a month in advance. He basically wanted the same level of affection and companionship without the prospect of commitment. That didn't work for me. While I was in no rush to get re-married, it was important to me that we were on the same page and same level of commitment to each other.

I am sure your bf came back to you with good intention. He probably did miss you terribly and realized that he had messed up. Unfortunetly, his fear of commitment is outweighing his feelings for you. He is not thinking of you, he is thinking about his self. In other words, he is not doing this to purposely hurt you -- even though hurt you is exactly what he did. He is doing this because he is panicked and can not get past what he is feeling.

Anyway, breaking it off for good was really the only thing you could have done for self preservation. He has problems he needs to work on alone before he is ready to commit to anyone. The problem is, he probably won't do that.

I wish I could say something to make you feel better right this minute. I will say, that with time and distance from you ex, it will get better, I promise. Right now, you need to concentrate on you and taking care of yourself. Make sure you eat and get fluids. Call your friends and unload. Post here often when you need to get things out. Write letters to him then tear them up. Punch and kick your pillows as the need arises. Above all, tell yourself that you are a wonderful, beautiful woman, and that you will not allow the rejection of one very confused, conflicted man to color how you preceive yourself! ((hugs))

Lois

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 9:49pm
Welcome to the board, Louisa!! I'm sorry you had to go through all this with your ex...and to repeat it all again. I don't think he was lying to you when he said he wanted marriage and kids.....at the time he probably thought he could go through with it....but freaked out in typical "commitment phobic" fashion once you got closer to one another. I think he did (and probably still does) love you and it scares him. Good luck and keep us posted!!













Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 9:12am
Louisa,

I just wanted to tell you how brave you were for making the wise decision to dump him. Some women would have just kept on going because they'd have been afraid of being alone. This guy's been keeping you in limbo and you deserve better than that. His behavior was selfish, immature, and somewhat irresponsible and you have every right to feel bitter about this.

All there's left for you to do at this point is to learn from this and move on forward. Next time you know you'll avoid noncommittal wishy-washy guys who just can't make up their minds about what they want in a relationship or in life. Recovering from a breakup takes time, but once that happens, you will be so happy you left this guy!

All the best to you. ;)