dumped on friday... hurt and scared.

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Registered: 02-26-2004
dumped on friday... hurt and scared.
6
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 10:31am

My guy broke up with me on friday we'd been friends first and then dated since Nov. I love him very much, only he doesn't know that. After a really hard month, where he lost his job, and wasn't calling me back or even trying to see me all that much (He was going thru quite a bit of stuff), he called me last sunday and told me how much he missed me, wanted to work on any areas I thought we needed to, cared about me, and could we have dinner on thurs. Dinner was great on thursday - and he asked to see me the next day (this past friday). On friday we had a great time in the morning, and then I said "it's really good to see you". Then BOOM! He just wants to "figure himself out, knows what I want (serious relationship) but can't do that right now, wants to still talk to me, see me, but not have an emotional or physical relationship, or express any of those feelings with me becuase it clouds his "figuring things out". I was crying - barely a few tears (Thank god for PRIDE!) and i told him he needs to realize that I might decide I can't see him or talk to him again for a long time. He says "I hope that doesn't happen". IS HE NUTS? And he called me when he got home, casually talking, like we could just go back to where we were before we started dating. I made that conversation super short.

He dropped me off at home and I CRIED my eyes out all the rest of friday and then on Sat. too. but I did spend some valuable time with my girlfriends, and doing retail therapy :) and because initially he and I were supposed to be away this past weekend, but then he cancelled a couple weeks ago, I had decided to book a cleaning service for my house and to get a pedicure this weekend. Thank goodness for that too!!! It's much easier to feel less sad when your house is clean, and your feet are pretty!

He called on Sunday - to see how I was doing. I told him that he had really hurt me, and that I was angry that he didn't just tell me on the thursday, and had me thinking everything was fine. I also told him that I thought that if he couldn't be consistent in his treatment of me over a 5 day time span - that he DEFINITELY has issues he needs to address. I told him I might not always read him the riot act everytime we speak, but that I was really hurt right now, and deserve to be more than just an "afterthought"! (someone remind me of that!!!)

I don't understand how he thinks he can have my care and support yet at the same time ask me not to express the feelings I have for him. Is it just me, or is that kind of selfish? He still wants me in his life he says, he doesn't want to lose me, but knows that he might. I love him, but it tears me up that I'll probably never get to tell him that.
I believe in being honest and transparent with people, and I don't see how he can ask me to have this 'half-truth' type of friendship and communcation with him. I highly doubt it's something I can sustain, and I don't think it's fair of him to ask me that...but right now it's so fresh that I can't stand the thought of never speaking to him.

I'm so very hurt...we got together in the first place because he was supposedly "ready".

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 10:56am

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, but having followed your situation on other boards, not terribly surprised.

Yes, he is being VERY selfish--the proverbial "wants to have his cake and eat it too" attitude.

Don't think in terms of "never"--think in terms of a postphonement of your friendship. I've reconnected as friends with several exes after difficult breakups and months of no contact, so that can work, but right now you need to think of yourself and your healing, and that means no contact.

Sheri

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Registered: 02-26-2004
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 3:30pm

Hi Sheri,
yes I suppose that I'm not horribly surprised, but I wasn't expecting the encouraging conversations followed by such a sharp turnaround. Or maybe I was just being hopeful and in-love. But I didn't ever encroach on his request for space or push or cling. Something I am thankful for, esp. in hindsight. Something he's apparently impressed with - even if he can't appreciate it. It doesn't really matter though. There's some sense of relief - at least I'm no longer wondering about things!

Here I am, A bit wounded and hurt, a little puffy eyed (ok, a lot puffy eyed) and fresh off of a canadian long weekend filled with girlfriends, a lot of kleenex, some minor shopping therapy and plenty of meals out. How long does this go on for? I can't remember!! My last break up early last year was on my initiative after 1.5 years and I had no regrets. I know it was the best thing for both of us, though he still thinks we can be together. Prior to that I was broken up with after a 3 year relationship and I know I was devastated & that the healing process took almost a year. But I don't remember what I did specifically to get there...

I had my house cleaned and got a pedicure, and spent hours with my wonderful loveable dog in the sunshine with my dog this weekend...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 7:05pm

I'm so sorry you're going through this

-----------------------------------

"You get what you settle for"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 7:47pm

girlandherdog...


If you ever get to Maine....PG will share a hug and a lobstah with you.


You WILL get past this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 12:27am

I swear to God that there must be a manual or something that guys read on "how to distance yourself from someone you love, but aren't in love with/could be in love with but aren't ready for, but want to keep in your life." Yeah.

My ex did the same thing. The. Same. Thing. And I just hung out with a guy this weekend who had broken up with his gf because he had fallen out of love with her, but still loved her, and was asking me "but why can't she just be friends with me? I don't understand..." I was floored. Anyway, maybe they're just hard-wired that way or maybe it's socialization, but I think that it is just easier for men to separate the "rational" from the "emotional." And, you know, maybe this isn't a bad thing for us (women) to learn how to do. I, for one, used to look at my emotions and feelings as the ultimate indicator of what was right...of what "should" be. As in, "I'm in-love with my bf, therefore we should be together." Whereas he was thinking "Yes, I love her, but we have these problems that aren't going to go away just because the love is there and therefore we *shouldn't* be together...at least not right now." Had I but seen "his" way from the get go, I would've spent much less time in agony, bashing my head against a brick wall, trying to accomodate both his and my ultimate wants at the same time--wants, which I must add, were (are) incompatible; he wants to be "just friends" and I do not.

Anyway, it's taken me 4 months to even *begin* to recover from an intense 6 month relationship and to finally see that he was completely right when he told me that just because the love is there, it doesn't not mean that we *should* be together. Not right now. And maybe not ever. I accept that my ex loves me deeply, but I am just not "it" for him, and I am glad that he likes *me* well enough to continue to value me as a person and want me to be a part of his life even though we are no longer involved romantically. It speaks to your character that your ex thinks the same (or similar) of you. But, that said, we MUST love and value ourselves more than these men. For too long I tried to accomodate both his and my feelings, basically prioritizing his above mine because I "didn't want to make him feel bad" that I wanted to reject his request to remain "best friends." It just can't happen immediately, no matter what they wish, so long as the "wants" of either party are incompatible.

If you try to accomodate him, which you probably will because you love him, want him in your life, and don't want to hurt him, you will only end up causing yourself more pain--not to mention further strain the relationship between the two of you (trust me on this one). My suggestion is to tell him that he has not "lost you" as a friend, but you need some time to distance (notice I didn't say "get over") yourself from your romantic ties to him and to please not contact you in any way, shape or form until YOU initiate contact. Then, buy yourself and industrial sized straw, take a deep breath, and suck it up. Take a few months breather. Whatever you think is necessary. When that 1 month false sense of security sinks in, ignore it...when the 2 month depression hits, call your friends (not him!)...in general, love yourself more and heal yourself first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-25-2005 - 1:59pm

Great post Eeyore! The situation girlandherdog are going through has many similarities to mine with my ex. Even before he broke up with me I remember him clearly saying, "If this doesn't work out, I still want you in my life." And all I could think of was, "If this doesn't work out, you can not exist".

My ex and I broke up over a month ago. I haven't called him more than once, while he has called several times fishing for friendship. But I simply can't do it. His offering of friendship to me is like crumbs compared to what I really want and it just makes me feel all the more rejected. So I made it pretty clear that I am not ready for any contact with him. That was 10 days ago and I'm still wrestling with my decision.

But you are right. This isn't about them. This is about us and what we need and deserve right now. I think its about our healing and acceptance first. If our exes really do care about us, then they can be patient while we learn to move forward.

Hugs to you both.

adc, wishing it could be a whole lot simpler.

-almostdoesntcount

 

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