Dumped by my MUCH OLDER boyfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Dumped by my MUCH OLDER boyfriend
10
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 7:41pm

Paul is 36 and I am almost 21. We had been dating for three months so not really for very long. While the relationship lasted it was amazingly fun and exciting and he was all I could have asked for in a boyfriend.. he had so many qualities that I was looking for; he was very chivalrous: always paying on dates, opening ALL the doors etc, he was thoughtful: buying me little gifts for no reason at all on a consistent basis, we shared very similar interests, he called me everyday and would suprise me unexpectedly if he wasn't able to see me one day for some reason. He was hilarious, outgoing, smart and if all that wasn't enough, he was very good looking too.

So the problem is that I am a virgin and he knew that a little while into things and said that sex is a very important part of a relationship as it adds a degree of passion and intimacy that cannot be attained without sex, (I understand that)but then he said that he didn't want to be the one to take my virginity because he said he admired my integrity and upon learning this about me said that he had a much greater respect for me. My reasons for being a virgin (I explained to him) were that I used to date all sorts of guys in high school that I never actually liked because I had my heart broken really badly and I felt that if I dated "downstream" then I would never get dumped again. After doing this for a while I was never happy with my BF's and thus I have been dating guys I am attracted to lately, like Paul.

So he ended things reluctanly the other day and explained to me that he feels an emptiness inside because of the missing level of intimacy we havent shared since I am still a virgin. I understand this completely and I hold no animosity whatsoever towards him, it just feels crappy and I can't get it out of my head that I wont find another guy with all the amazing qualities I found in Paul.

The other thing is, I ran into him yesterday and he told me he bought me a little gift (which was a book of love poems since I write poetry) and then he invited me over to watch a video later if I wanted. I accepted and he ended up holding my hand while we watched the video. We talked for a bit afterwards and he said something peculiar: he said that he GUARANTEES that if a guy has an attractive female friend who is kind to him and somewhat takes care of him then he will definitely fall in love with her, thats why female-male friendships dont happen very often. I was a little flustered by this comment.. and I am feeling pretty down about the whole situation between us. I feel like a good thing was just stopped in its tracks and I am finding it hard to begin moving on from Paul. What to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 9:33pm

As I was reading your post, I thought that your ex did the right thing. You will know when you are ready for sex, and its great that he didn't pressure you. However, I don't like his comment about falling in love with a woman who is kind and takes care of him. It seems like he wants to keep you on the back burner until you decide you are ready for more, while having the freedom to date and sleep with other women.

I think you should cut off contact with Paul - at least for a while, until you are truly over this. Watching movies and holding hands is just going to keep you from moving on.

You may or may not find someone with all the amazing qualities that you found in Paul, but I guarantee that you will find someone with amazing qualities of their own. Your idea of what qualities are important will no doubt change over time, so the things you thought were some important now may be very different than how you'll feel at 25, or 30, or 35....

Although there are exceptions, 36 year old guys dating 20 year olds generally have some major issues. Find someone closer to your own age that you can share life experiences with.

You are only 20 - you have plenty of time to meet other guys. Lots of them!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 12:02am

One of the things which struck me about your post is that all of the things you mention which make you believe that he is chivalrous and thoughtful are things which a guy purposefully does to win a girl over. I know from speaking to women who have been in abusive relationships, that a lot of times it is the most abusive guy who are the best at doing those sorts of things early in a relationship in order to win a woman over so that she will stay with them later. I am not saying that every guy who does those things is necessarily a jerk. But I just would not recommend making up your mind about a man's character just based on the things that he is purposefully doing in order to win you over.
The only definite way to know what type of a man you're dealing with is to give things time and to keep your eyes open for warning signs. The problem is that when you get caught up in how romantic a guy is treating you, you don't want to give things time, and you don't want to look out for warning signs, and there are guys who know how to take advantage of that.

Which brings me to my next point. I really hope I'm wrong about this, but I really don't think I am. I think this guy is trying to coerce you into sleeping with him but making you think that it was all your idea. Why in the world would a guy break up with you, and THEN buy you a book of love poetry and invite you over to his place to watch a video and hold your hand, and then make a comment implying that he's in love with you. Those aren't the actions of a guy who's interested in being your friend. Those are the actions of a guy who is trying to get into your pants. I would have had a lot more respect for this man if he had just been upfront about wanting to sleep with you. If he is dishonest about this, you have to wonder what else he has lied to you about.

Maybe it is like another poster said that he wants to keep you around in case another woman comes. Regardless, he does NOT have your best interests in mind. When you break up with somebody, it isn't fair to continue leading that person as otherwise they won't get over you. And I'm pretty sure that if he is 36 years old, he has had enough experience in previous relationships to know this.

I just feel I ought to warn you. I've known women who were taken advantage of by men in different ways and your story just has certain things in common with them in a few important regards. The guy went really far out of his way to do things to romance them. They just looked it at how he treated them and took it as a sign that they could trust him on anything. They got very caught up in the romance. It all happened in a few short months. They didn't have that much relationship experience. I just hope you are smart and careful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 12:17am
I TOTALLY agree with this post by rosewater. I'm almost 30 and let me tell you I STILL have a hard time overcoming the early engrained notion that men who do "all the right chilvarous things" must really be in love with me. In fact, it these men I have found who are actually worse than the ones who don't give that pretense to begin with. In other words, I've been hurt by the men who don't do the cute little lovey things but not NEARLY as much as I've been hurt by the ones who did all those "right" things to win my heart and then end up being just as non-committal as the other guys. I've been more hurt by the ones who do all the right things, thereby leading me on to believe there was actually a chance for real love with them. In fact, I should HAVE RUN the other way when my most recent ex had a book on his shelf entitled, "how to make anyone fall in love with you." Yuck!! But he was so sweet and endearing I didn't want to believe he was a conniving cad. So, while there are men who are TRULY chilvalrous and caring, I'm convinced there are about as many (if not more) who use these very phony traits to lure women into their snare. I've learned FINALLY at 29 and several heartaches that there is NO WAY to judge a man's real character based on these "right" things like picking up the check, opening doors, sending little gifts. If he does these things after a year of also BEING THERE then he's the genuine deal I think. But if he does this crap for a few months (like my latest did) AND it is an act, he will tire of it if he doesn't get what he wants like it sounds Paul has done. You are so young and when I think back on when I was 20, soooo many lessons have been learned since then. You truly are just in the beginning and don't get caught up in the 1950's thinking that a woman must be paired by 21 in order to be validated as a woman. YOu have no reason to feel like you have to find "the one" already. Let life be your guide, not a 36 year old man who is likely VERY experienced and knows exactly what he is doing. Don't be anybody's fool.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 1:11am

Yep. What everybody said.

I truly do not feel that this guy was truly interested in you as a person, and not because you are not interesting (I'm sure you are), but because he had his own agenda.

What else do you know about him? What is his relationship history? How well does he get along with his family? How are things in his social life? Was he interested in the things you had to say? Did you get the sense that he really understood you and your values? Those things are more important than whether or not he holds doors open for you, or buys you gifts, or pays for meals.

Chivalry is not dead however. I dated on guy who was chivalrous, but he was also genuine. Then I dated another guy who appeared chivalrous, but when I was not putting out, he suddenly remembered that he had a mortgage and kids and a teacher's salary.

You've heard enough times that you are young. And you are. Plenty of time to meet more genuine people. In the end, you probably won't want someone like this dude.

A~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 2:36am
Ya these things make sense but I do know his relationship history hasn't been dating around a lot, he was married for years to his high school GF and after that bounced from relationship to relationship, he likes being in relationships not playing the field. I know I am still so young and I am not really worried about not finding "the one" I think what makes me feel down is thinking that I really feel Paul was a great catch and he NEVER pressured me for sex at all.. it wasnt like that. I feel like I lost out with him because he was genuine and not just doing things to win me over or get down my pants. He really listened to everything I said and he always complimented me but not in corny typical ways like "you're hot" or "you're pretty" he was much more creative, he'd say things like that he thought my beauty was like an amazingly decorated Christmas tree that everyone stops to stare at because it's so beautiful, but then even when there are no decorations, the tree itself it still amazing. I think I feel so crappy because I am used to dating crappy guys or good looking ones that have crappy personalities when with Paul I had both. Is that too much to ask? Are there attractive and high quality single guys out there for me? That's my issue I think.. cause I felt lucky with Paul, but I want to feel lucky with someone else and I want them to feel lucky to be with me too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Tue, 06-07-2005 - 2:09pm

Welcome pocketpixie :)


I don't really have any advice to add - but I wanted to make sure you were aware that we have this board:

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2005
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 6:46pm
Girl, don't be fooled! You did not lose anything, and make sure you don't lose more. I can totally relate because I have been most recently "dumped" (if that's what you would call the treacherous way I've been handled) by someone older than myself as well. I too am a virgin. In our case, he is 39 and I am 27. We didn't break up for the lack of sex (atleast not mainly, though i don't doubt that now being with someone who can get sex from isn't a perk for him). Anyhow, this guy sounds like he's trying to get you to bend his way and go all the way. To make it YOUR decision, he's making you feel as though it will be okay because he will probably fall in love with you so you won't be hurt the way you are trying to avoid. THE TRUTH IS: You don't need to have sex to fall in love with anyone. If you really love someone, you love every part of being with them even if you can't make love to them yet. By saying what he said to you, he's trying to make you think of the possibilities that it will be ok if you do bend. But remember, HE IS 35. A man of 35 should know what he wants, and generally does (unless he has some mental issue of some sort). Either he is going to be with you or not. Separating the way he has and then hanging around is his way of keeping you on a string so you'll have time to second guess your decision to not have sex. If he is a great guy, he would want to make you all his as soon as possible knowing that a virgin these days is hard to come by. He would want to wife a woman with such principles (as most men find it ideal to get a virgin, but since we are pretty much non-existent they don't require)as you are a precious commodity. Stay away from him because he's playing games. If he'll leave now, he'll leave again later (and it will be miserable if he's leaving with your virginity). Better surely will come, and this will see like a brief moment of frustration later, rather than the heartache it is now. I assure you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 06-09-2005 - 9:12pm
I'm sorry to hear about your break-up....I know you must be devastated!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 10:57am

Okay, I totally respect your support of this woman and her situation but I feel compelled to vehemently disagree with your assertion that "most men find it ideal to be with a virgin". I know that isn't the main point of your post yet it jumped out of the page like a slap in the face and I feel on behalf of the women who are not virgins that I need to argue with that point. I thought we were past the 1950's restraint of using virginity as a status symbol. I realize that in many parts of the world virginity is used as a prize- it's a social stigma that has NOTHING to do with who the person is on the inside. It's about as superficial as loving a man just for his pocketbook. I mean, so a man wins a PRIZE because he managed to find a virgin (a precious "commodity" as you wrote) and who cares if she's an honest, caring or likeable woman? As long as she's kept a penis out of her body she must be a prize??? I think virginity is no more a status symbol than a loving and generous heart, and a loving and generous heart can be found just as readily in a woman who has been around the block a few times. That's reality. If you want to hold your virginity for marriage, fine, that is your prerogative, but don't sport it around like you are somehow better or above those who do not. That is an extremely damaging ideal to hold and to put off on kind, though not virginal, women like myself.

Truth be told, there is a difference between sleeping around incessantly and having a few partners that you cared about and/or loved. WHen you put a blanket statement out there like that you are saying that there is no difference at all. You are worth only as much as you believe you are and if you have bought into the idea that you will somehow be less desirable or less worthy of a good man if you lose your virginity before marriage, well then I guess whoever fed that damaging message to you has been successful.
I'm not condoning promiscuity by any means; I think sex is special and should not be randomly shared. However, I also believe that a man who will not or cannot see you JUST AS LOVEABLE AND VALUABLE AS A NON-VIRGIN IS NO MAN WORTHY OF HAVING. I'd rather be single than be with a man who somehow loved and cherished me MORE just because I was a virgin. I'd rather he love and cherish me more just because I am. That's the type of pure hearted man I am looking for; not a superficial, territorial cave man.

I think that we should turn the focus on this: virginity is not a precious commodity. However, honesty, valuing other humans for who they are, trust, respect and love- those are the true precious commodities.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2005
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 6:19pm

this guy wants to sleep with you. he's pulling out the stops. i'd get away from him and stop talking to him altogether. you can do better.

good for you for waiting to have sex - believe me the peace you get from that is greater than the supposed intimacy this joker supposedly thinks you're missing out on.