Dumped & no one to lean on...
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| Wed, 09-08-2004 - 6:49pm |
The break-up was coming. He had done a number of inconsiderate things of varying levels of infidelity…emotional and (my hunch) physical. In March, I caught him emailing 3 or 4 women reminiscing about having sex with them and saying he missed them. Thought about ending it then, but felt guilty because I’d actually snooped in his email, though I was really acting on my gut instinct. We tried to work through it. In May, he called one night to say he was going to bed early (at 10PM) after being out with a guy friend and female friend who I knew had a crush on him. He also told me not to call him too early the next morning because he might be sleeping in. I thought that was fishy, so I decided to go over. I called his cell and his home phone numerous times. He didn’t answer either. When I got there, the “crush” girl was there. He answered the door fully clothed, and the lights were on, but his excuse was full of holes on why and how long she had been there. I broke up with him then. He begged forgiveness and, because I needed him to lean on over a stressful summer, I took him back. We tried to re-build trust long-distance, and it was hard, but at this point, I was certain that I was going to make it work. I was pretty unhappy, but never really wanted to let go of him because I knew how tough it would be back at school this fall without him.
Now I'm back at school and we are no longer together. We talked for the first 2 weeks after we broke up. He said he just needed time to sort some things out. His future, starting his own business, and he was having some problems with his family and friends. I gave him those two weeks and then asked him to get together to talk in person, after I was back at school. When we got together, he told me he still loved me very much, we talked about getting back together…and then started fooling around. He started looking for condoms and realized he was “out” and I asked him how that could be…he paused for awhile and said “Honestly, this is embarrassing, but I’ve started masturbating with condoms..it’s just too messy sometimes.” I remember being incredulous, but was wanting him back so badly, went ahead and had sex after he found a condom somewhere else. Afterwards I asked if he would give “us” another chance and he said he just couldn’t, that he had to take his “time”. And he fell right asleep. I layed in his bed until 1AM thinking, “How could I have let this happen? This guy just got everything he wanted from me…and even after he gave me the B/S lie about masturbating with condoms.”
I got up and left his apartment. Told him I loved him very much, but everything was too much for me. He wanted to drive me home, I said I’d take a taxi. He asked me to call him when I got home, I said I wouldn’t. That was 1.5 weeks ago and I haven’t spoken to him since. He sent me an apology email (of all freaking things, I mean not even a phone call) and said he didn’t mean any of that to happen that night.
All I can keep thinking is how I could have let this man treat me this way! He’s consistently treated me with disrespect and I just took it! Even up until the very end, it was all about him. He broke up with me over the phone while I was still away and he was safe at home in our school environment with friends. He let himself have sex with me even after knowing how much I wanted him back. And he LIED to me about masturbating with condoms instead of telling me he’s dating someone new…or just having sex…or whatever. I asked him if he’d had sex since we’d broken up and he said no…LIAR.
I have NO ONE at school to talk to about all of this, because it’s a small community and I don’t want to just be known for being mistreated by this guy. I see him at school now and sometimes say “Hi”. Today I just looked right through him because I’m so angry. No one at school knows what a jerk he is…I have so many reasons to hate him, but no one else does. How is this fair?! I’m a strong, loving person…but I can only take so much of this. He was a jerk from the beginning, but I stayed with him because I needed a life raft in school…now I have no one and I feel like the few people I could trust would be caught in the middle because they are friends of both he AND I.
Please help me. Some days it takes everything I can muster to get up and put on a strong front and don’t know how long I can do this. Why is this fair? How can he possibly have someone else already after all he did to me? Why does he get to be happy with whoever it is he's had sex with while I'm suffering (though I'm trying hard to be strong)?

away from each other and live in a small community. He told me he didn't want to be tied down
and that he didn't think I was the one for him. He was always the one to bring up our future . He didn't stop there, he then told me he was no
longer attracted to me and knew plenty of other girls he wanted to date. I feel completely alone,
we had many mutual friends. I am afraid to go out of the apartment in fear of running into him
or someone we know. He was also very inconsiderate, his friends and going out drinking were
always a priority. I am ashamed of myself for putting up with as much as I did. Not only did
I put up with everything ,I kept going out of my way to do things to make him happy. I feel the same
way you do, its not fair that we are in pain and suffering and they get to be happy.
Things happen that we cannot explain. But in both of your cases, I would count yourselves blessed to be free from those jerks. In hind sight, you both say that they constantly treated you with disrespect and were very selfish. Well, at least you don't have to deal with that anymore. I understand it is very hard to get over, though and frustrating to see them happy. But think about it...deep down, do you really think they're happy? That kind of behaivor doesn't speak to a happy, well adjusted individual. It shows someone with low self esteem that really doesn't know how to give of themselves in a relationship. Whoever they are with now will realize this soon and the problems will start for him again. You, however, have a fresh start to find someone truly wonderful. You have learned so much from this situation no doubt, and you now know the importance of standing up for yourself. Don't beat yourself up for letting him walk all over you. I've done it too. I try so hard to make the other person happy, sacrificing myself in the process. The important thing is to learn from the experience and to move on.
Guard your hearts, be smart, but be hopeful. This is probably the best thing that could have happened to you both. In time, I'm sure you will realize this. When you are in a new relationship with an awesome person.
Good luck!
Welcome to the board! I'm so sorry you're in pain. Your ex sounds like he has some issues and he obviously thinks highly of himself.....sounds like he wants to be a player....I could be wrong though. I know going through this break-up is tough but it really is for the best and I think you're starting to realize that now to. You should be so proud of yourself for ignoring him and not calling....that's a big step and it takes alot of self-control. Congrats on that huge accomplishment. I know you're still aways from being over him but that's one giant step forward. Good luck and keep us posted and remember we're here if you need us or just want to ramble and/or vent!!! I look forward to getting to know you better so I hope you stick around!!!
up at night being angry at whatever selfish thing he did. Until now I didn't think about him
having low self esteem, but I have been thinking about it and you are right. I don't think he
is truley happy. I think part of the reason he ended our relationship is because us being
together was a constant reminder to him how selfish and unhappy he is with himself. One
thing I have learned from this is to stand up for myself.
Thank you!!
You can bet I'll stick around on this board...I'm so thankful for it. And I'll do my best to be there for everyone as best as I can.
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It must have been tough to break up with you.
The break-up was coming. He had done a number of inconsiderate things of varying levels of infidelity…emotional and (my hunch) physical. In March, I caught him emailing 3 or 4 women reminiscing about having sex with them and saying he missed them.
He sounds like a "player" or a guy just trying to get some.
Thought about ending it then, but felt guilty because I’d actually snooped in his email, though I was really acting on my gut instinct. We tried to work through it.
You should feel guilty about snooping in his mail. You wouldn't appreciate it if he did it to you. Having a gut instinct is not an excuse.
In May, he called one night to say he was going to bed early (at 10PM) after being out with a guy friend and female friend who I knew had a crush on him. He also told me not to call him too early the next morning because he might be sleeping in. I thought that was fishy, so I decided to go over. I called his cell and his home phone numerous times. He didn’t answer either. When I got there, the “crush” girl was there. He answered the door fully clothed, and the lights were on, but his excuse was full of holes on why and how long she had been there. I broke up with him then.
Hello police - my girlfriend who doesn't trust me enough to spend one night with people other than herself is stalking me... of course she trusts me ... what, you mean she thinks I have no will of my own - that I'd sleep with some girl just because she has a crush on me? Is that how she acts when I'm not with her? I guess its okay - she broke up with me so I will go ahead and hook up with the crush girl even though she came here with my friend (who was hoping to hook up with her). .... << a few hours later >> ... Darn, I couldn't get the hook up! Oh well, I'll just sweet talk the old girlfriend - she's one of those girls that can't be alone - you know - they have to have a boyfriend or they think there is something wrong with themselves - yeah drama, they all love it.
He begged forgiveness and, because I needed him to lean on over a stressful summer, I took him back. We tried to re-build trust long-distance, and it was hard, but at this point, I was certain that I was going to make it work. I was pretty unhappy, but never really wanted to let go of him because I knew how tough it would be back at school this fall without him.
...To carry heavy boxes or set up stereo equipment or just to be arm candy so you can feel secure??
Now I'm back at school and we are no longer together. We talked for the first 2 weeks after we broke up. He said he just needed time to sort some things out.His future, starting his own business, and he was having some problems with his family and friends. I gave him those two weeks and then asked him to get together to talk in person, after I was back at school.
... OK, maybe he was tying up loose strings
When we got together, he told me he still loved me very much, we talked about getting back together…and then started fooling around.
... Did he say he loved you before or after you started fooling around or did he just say it so you would fool around?
He started looking for condoms and realized he was “out” and I asked him how that could be…he paused for awhile and said “Honestly, this is embarrassing, but I’ve started masturbating with condoms..it’s just too messy sometimes.” I remember being incredulous, but was wanting him back so badly, went ahead and had sex after he found a condom somewhere else. Afterwards I asked if he would give “us” another chance and he said he just couldn’t, that he had to take his “time”. And he fell right asleep. I layed in his bed until 1AM thinking, “How could I have let this happen? This guy just got everything he wanted from me…and even after he gave me the B/S lie about masturbating with condoms.”
... Actually the thing with the condoms may not have been a lie, I've... uh... heard ... about other guys doing that. This story sounds like one of those "If I have sex with him, I can get him to stay" stories. Guys don't equate sex with love, women do. He may have thought that was all you wanted. You should have given the "give us another chance" speech before having sex with him (and demanded an answer beforehand as well).
I got up and left his apartment. Told him I loved him very much, but everything was too much for me. He wanted to drive me home, I said I’d take a taxi. He asked me to call him when I got home, I said I wouldn’t.
...You are just being bitter. If he had said "Take a cab home, I'm too sleepy to drive you home" would you still think he was worth pining over? It sounds like he has a little bit of decency in him, but there is a communication problem between the two of you. He wants to have sex with you - you want him to love you and be with you.
That was 1.5 weeks ago and I haven’t spoken to him since. He sent me an apology email (of all freaking things, I mean not even a phone call) and said he didn’t mean any of that to happen that night.
All I can keep thinking is how I could have let this man treat me this way! He’s consistently treated me with disrespect and I just took it! Even up until the very end, it was all about him.
... You let him do it, poor you, boo hoo. It wasn't about him, almost any other guy his age would have acted the same. It was all about you - you wanted him to want you so you could feel better about yourself - he was someone that didn't really want you - he just wanted your body, but thats not the same thing. Try dating someone you wouldn't normally date - or better yet, study hard and take a break from dating for a while. Unless you went to school just to find a man, you can still get a lot out of the experience.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was still away and he was safe at home in our school environment with friends.
... Probably hes a little afraid of your tendancy to constantly call him and spy on him.
He let himself have sex with me even after knowing how much I wanted him back.
... No, you had sex with him hoping he would want to keep you, but it doesn't work that way. Sure he was a little sleazy in going ahead with the sex, but I'm sure you didn't say "No, lets just talk first and get our relationship clarified first".
And he LIED to me about masturbating with condoms instead of telling me he’s dating someone new…or just having sex…or whatever. I asked him if he’d had sex since we’d broken up and he said no…LIAR.
...Well, Bill Clinton said he didn't have sex and if its good enough for the President, its good enough for most guys.
I have NO ONE at school to talk to about all of this, because it’s a small community and I don’t want to just be known for being mistreated by this guy. I see him at school now and sometimes say “Hi”.
... Talk to your mom, I'm sure she would understand. Mom's can almost always help.
Today I just looked right through him because I’m so angry. No one at school knows what a jerk he is…I have so many reasons to hate him, but no one else does. How is this fair?!
...Are you the second born person in your family? Life isn't fair. You can either confide in your true friends that he is a player and risk having other people know that you make some bad choices yourself or you can do the really hard thing and just let it go. Forgive yourself for getting involved with him, forgive him for being a guy, and forgive your friends because they can't be trusted to keep your confidence.
I’m a strong, loving person…but I can only take so much of this. He was a jerk from the beginning, but I stayed with him because I needed a life raft in school…now I have no one and I feel like the few people I could trust would be caught in the middle because they are friends of both he AND I.
...Try taking some other classess or going someplace different when not in school. Volunteer - you'll meet new people and make a few friends that aren't in your current circle. Most people are good, and I'm sure most people have lived through something like this.
Please help me. Some days it takes everything I can muster to get up and put on a strong front and don’t know how long I can do this. Why is this fair? How can he possibly have someone else already after all he did to me? Why does he get to be happy with whoever it is he's had sex with while I'm suffering (though I'm trying hard to be strong)?
...This is very difficult, but if its over, its over. Stop letting yourself be a victim. He didn't do anything to you that you didn't allow or encourage, so remember that you are also partly responsible. Accept that and move on. There are a lot of decent people that would love to be with you. There is probably one you are overlooking right now because he isn't super-hot, but I would bet there is someone. This is the 21st century and women not only have the same rights as men, they also have the same opportunities. Do something daring like ask some cute guy out - just don't sleep with him for a few months (at least till you've gone through finals).