dumped outta the blue, i need an opinion
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| Wed, 08-29-2007 - 12:27pm |
soo the story goes like this::
i meet this girl about a year ago, at a mutual friend's cottage. we hit it off really well and got kinda drunk (her first time.. she was 21) ended up staying up all night talking while everyone else slept, eventually we passed out together, ended up cuddling, i didn't want to make a move until i made sure my friend didn't care. but either way, when he told me to go for it i asked her out when we got back and she turned me down, which i half expected cuz she's incredibly inexperienced and has never really dated (or done anything else). so i said whatever and moved on, and eventually got together with another girl. me and the new girl dated for 9 months and it was great, but the first girl always lingered a bit in my mind because of that initial blast of chemistry. and nearing the end of my relationship, we kind of reconnected and became "friends". in this period she told me she realized she liked me and her initial gut feeling to not date me had disappeared (small victories eh?) but since i was involved with someone else she would back off. this threw me into a 2 month confused state of emotional trauma, because my current girlfriend and i were having some problems and i was unsure of who i should choose.
eventually i left my gf and started dating the first girl. we started off a little uncertain because she's only been through 1 relationship in her life and it was kind of amatuer'sh and messy, so this was her first real adult relationship. she was worried i was only using her for a rebound (which is kind of true, i needed something to distract me from losing my previous relationship, but i genuinely liked her).
things started off slow, couple dates here and there, not sure how things were gonna go but eventually they started to look brighter. we got along great, talked on the phone a lot, and the physical side of the relationship started picking up. we got a little too into each other a little quickly i believe, only a month after we started dating she went away on vacation with her family for an entire month, and before we left we decided to make us official and be "exclusive". although now in hindsight i'm thinking that was a little fast and i was only looking for some sort of security while she was away. still she was unsure if we should be moving so quickly, but she seemed happy with our choice. either way, the entire time she was gone we would exchange emails and act all couplely and we would profess how much we missed each other and what not.. and when she did come back we picked up where we left off, closer than before.
things seemed to be going amazing for a month or so, she kept saying how lucky she was, and started going all super soft on me, we always joked about how disgustingly gushy we were. so i was thinking things were going great, i thought i was falling for her.. i even told her so at a party (i didn't tell her i loved her, but i did say "i think i'm falling for you.." in she returned "you think? tell me when you find out". we ended up spending the night together for the first time since we started dating (no sex, she's a virgin, just cuddling). when we woke up the next day everything seemed perfect, she seemed so happy just to be with me and continued to tell me so. the next day (monday) we spent another night on the phone together til about 3am, and i went to bed thinking how happy i was.
but the next day, she calls me up and tells me she woke up that morning not knowing how she felt about me anymore. so after work i headed to her place and had we spoke for about 8 hours, she cried a lot and we were unsure of how things would play out. 2 days later she msgs me while im at work and says she's still confused because she doesn't want to lose me, but she doesn't think she's attracted to me anymore.
so i tell her that if she's not attracted to me, there's nothing that can be done but to end it. i just went through a long drawn out breakup and it was the last thing i wanted, so i walked her through the whole process and got her to break up with me. we joked around, i made her laugh and she cried more and we parted ways.
deep down inside i'm hoping that she really does love me, she just got overwhelmed by her first relationship and the rush of scary emotions that come along with it. she says this isn't the case, but i'm in denial and i think subconsciously it is.
i'm sure everyone who gets dumped thinks this but the other person and i truly got along well, i think i was the first person to really get through to her, even when we were breaking up things just felt so comfortable and natural.
i don't really know i'm hoping for, writing on this forum, but i needed to vent, and hopefully get a couple responses as to what i should do? i left my gf for her, and now i have nothing. all our mutual friends know she's the broody type and likes to over dramatize things, and they all admit how great we were together and how much of a surprise this was.
i realize i moved things too quickly for her, that i was just feeling vulnerable and needed a distraction, but every step of the way when my brain said "slow down, this isn't how you get her" she'd up it up and be right there with me. giving me confidence that i could just let this flow instead of playing games.
i guess my question now is, what do i do? i want her back (its been a week so i think i still have that window of opportunity where we realize we rushed into a decision), if not, i can live with the fact that we're not together now and i should move on and its probably for the best.. and since it was only 2 months it's not a big deal, but did i make the right choice in getting her to end it? so far our history suggests she'll take some time to figure out her sh*t and then eventually regret her choices.
should i have tried to work things out with her? slow things down a bit and see if those feelings come back? or did i make the right choice, end it, and hope that she misses me enough to realize she's made a mistake?
another mutual friend has invited us to a club this weekend and only after she learned that i'm going has she changed her mind and decided to come as well. i don't know what to say to her, how this will be.
i still want her back if i can, without trying too hard or losing an ounce of dignity.
sorry this has been so long, i'm trying to do the whole story justice.
thanks.

You know, the thing is, usually breakups in situations such as this is the right answer.
yeah, i'm starting to see how even though chemistry can exist between ppl, timing is probably even more important.
she's already started contacting me, she's really trying to be friends with me, she wants me in her life, just not as a lover. i'm hoping to make a clean break and shut her out completely, but she's befriended my friends and this is proving harder than i thought.
thank you for your response.
Let us know how this goes... it's this weekend right?
yup it's tomorrow evening. now that i think about it, i don't think my going has anything to do with hers, she was actually iffy about coming when she heard i was, and called our mutual friend for advice, she's worried it's going to be super awkward. What kinda sucks about tomorrow is that she's also invited a small group of her friends to accompany her, so i'm sure she's just going to bury herself in them all evening. i'm not saying i wish she was going alone so i could talk to her, i'm not going to act all needy and constantly be looking for her attention but she has a guaranteed fall back group of ppl she can use to avoid me. The ppl i'm going with are also her friends, so i'm kinda stuck in limbo here, on one hand i just want to go and have a great time, but on the other, i want to show her how "fine" i am, which might have to be an act (or at least a lotta drinking). obviously i want to do everything that'll get her thinking about me again. my ideal situation is i actually meet someone else at the club, hit it off, have a great time and not care about her at all. hopefully she'll see and it'll spark some jealousy or what not, (yeah, kinda pathetic but meh, i'm the one who got dumped). i think i've come to terms of our breakup, we both made some mistakes and things just didn't work out. i can't read her mind, but i know she still cares about me a lot because of her blog, she still mentions how good everything was, how amazing i was, we just rushed into things too quickly, and the attraction just clicked off.
still, i spent a year thinking about this girl, left my gf for her, put in all the effort and emotional sh*t chasing her, just to end up with nothing. i'd like to play the game properly and have her come back to me. i'm willing to play the game for the long haul, she told our friend that maybe in a few months we re-evaluate the situation she maybe we could start over. she just wasn't ready for a relationship. if history was any indication, i can bet that a couple months down the road she'll be thinking about me again, maybe i'm in denial, or i'm naive but we've kinda done this dance already and if i play my cards right, i know she'll come back. i'm just not sure what to expect or do in the meantime.
big sigh.