Dumped a week before Xmas

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2004
Dumped a week before Xmas
19
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 7:12pm
My boyfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with me last Friday night - a week before Christmas! It came out of nowhere. He said he's "not that into" me anymore. I am lost and confused and lonely. I was completely in love with him and had no idea he was feeling that way. I haven't been able to sleep through the night, and I can hardly eat. I have just taken back all of the Christmas gifts I bought for him, and went through the embarassing ordeal of breaking down every time a sales clerks asked why I was returning the gifts. I need help, advice, anything to help me feel the slightest bit happy before Christmas is here.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 7:47pm
Sweetie I'm so sorry. We broke up 2 1/2 months ago. About 6 or 8 weeks it started to get easier. He's a complete jerk for doing this to you. You deserve so much better and whether you believe me or not...you'll get it. Like others have told me....let yourself feel whatever you feel. Don't try to hide it. Give yourself time to cry but don't let it consume you. Don't let him ruin your Christmas. It's hard to think of things to be thankful for when you're going through this. But I'm sure you have a good friend and you're really lucky if you have 2 really good friends. That's more than alot have. I'm sure you have family members that you are close with. That's more than most have unfortunaltely. Maybe you'll have a good meal on Christmas....see how blessed you are?
Keep that pretty chin up and remember you are not alone. There's someone else out there feeling the same thing (me).
Gosh I should take heed to my own advice.
Merry Christmas!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2004
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 10:10pm

Hi,

Well, it's a very bad time to be going through this. Although breaking up is bad any time of the year. I'm very sorry to hear about it. The number one thing you have to do is take care of yourself. Try to eat when you can, sleep when you can. Cry when you feel like it, and don't worry about breaking down in front of anyone!! Going through my break up, I cried in front of the clerk at my phone company when I tried to explain why i was changing the name on the bill from my ex's to mine!! You're not alone hun!! Even now, 4 months after getting dumped, I still get pretty down. Especially because of the holidays. I find what works for me is to be reminded that there are people out there who are suffering far worse than me. Maybe you could try to give of yourself a bit. It's a great time of the year for it! I hope that you're doing ok. Keep posting. My thoughts are with you.

hugs,
Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2004
Fri, 12-24-2004 - 7:52am

Thanks to everyone who has posted.

In my search for comfort I stumbled upon this message board. Although I know I'm not the only person in the world to ever get dumped, finding that there are others out there who have felt this way, and reading their stories has been comforting. Having an outlet to write my thoughts and feelings is helping a lot too.

I do have a wonderful family and friends, who are doing a great job at supporting me. But at this time of year, everyone has been so busy with Christmas preparations. I know I should be keeping busy with that too, but I lack the energy and motivation to even leave the house sometimes.

The hardest part of this is my complete lack of understanding of why this happened. Our relationship was going so well. Last month he told me that he was looking at me as his future wife and was excited about spending his life with me. We were making plans to buy a house in the spring. He broke up with me on Friday saying he's 100% sure he doesn't want to marry me. How do feelings change that fast?

It's killing me to look at my cell phone and see that he hasn't called. Although deep down I know that I couldn't be with him because I don't trust him with my heart, I need to know that this is hard for him too. I keep my phone on silent because psychologically it's easier to think that it's not ringing because it's set that way than to think it's not ringing because he's not calling.

I know I need to let this go, I just don't know how. He was such a huge part of my life for the last 2 and a half years. It's like having a part of myself removed and then trying to learn how to live all over again without it.

Once again, thank you both for your kind words and encouragement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Fri, 12-24-2004 - 8:49am

I just wanted to say that this time of year is especially difficult to be going through the beginnings of healing from a break up. Obviously, there is never a good time to break up, but to have it happen at the Holidays can make all of the overwhelming feelings of loss seem that much more magnified. Especially when your support system of family and friends are busy with shopping, decorating, blah, blah, blah. It is almost impossible to get into the "holiday spirit" when you feel like your world is falling apart. And I, like you, lack the energy sometimes to even leave the house. I'm fairly confident that I will be embarassed tomorrow morning with my friends and family at my lack of initiative in finding the "perfect gift". It has been much easier to get Gift Certificates for everyone one and say the hell with it. Fortunately...I think they'll understand.

I can PROMISE you, this DOES all get easier. You will come to a point where you stop trying to "figure it all out" because none of it makes any sense. It's like your mind, (maybe not your heart yet) will eventually exhaust itself from trying to replay every conversation, every intimate detail, trying to determine what went wrong. At this point in the healing process, it is FUTILE for you to try to figure it out. I spent weeks and weeks obsessing, and I mean OBSESSING, about what happened....how could this have happened, everything was going great, I can't believe he means what he's saying. Finally, I woke up one day and the first thought in my head was not about my breakup, my second thought was, but at least not my first. I honestly don't believe this was a conscious decision I made myself, I think it was actually my mind just being exhausted and having nothing left to process. Of course I still wonder "why", but it becomes less obsessive. And you will eventually reach a place when figuring out the why it has happened is really not so important as concentrating on learning how to just function in every day life again.

Try to make it through the holidays as best you can. Fortunately, they will be over soon. Try to have faith that this will get better, and when it does get better, you WILL look back on this time and be thankful that it happend. I can promise you, you will be more aware of other people and what they may be going through, you will be more apt to giving support to someone else in their time of need, you will have a heightened sense of awareness about things you may have took for granted before, all because of this difficult time. Better things will come out of this in the end.

I would say "Happy Holidays" to you...but that may be a cliche at this point...so I hope you fair them well!!!! Good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Fri, 12-24-2004 - 6:52pm

What your ex did totally sucked and believe me I know how you're feeling. I had to dump my boyfriend of 8 years after he showed he wasn't into me anymore. Years of marriage and future talk all thrown away. But that was 3 months ago and yes, some days, I still feel a little sad that it's all over, but most of the time, I feel good. My heart is healing.

Best things I can tell you is first, enact No Contact. That means don't allow yourself to contact him and vice versa. This works and really helps in the healing process. Surround yourself with people that really love and care about you. Put yourself first, pamper yourself, do somethings you've always wanted to do. Those gifts you had to return, use the cash to buy yourself something.

And when you feel comfortable, go and start having fun, meeting new people. I dove right back in and am now casually seeing 2 great guys. Nothing is serious yet, but I'm having a lot of fun in the meantime and it's definitely making me forget about my ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2004
Sat, 12-25-2004 - 4:55am

Thanks again to everyone who has posted. The encouragement and support that I am getting from complete strangers has helped a lot.

Well, tonight it happened - the first time I saw him since he broke up with me. It was at Christmas Eve mass. The first sight of him caught me off guard and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I started to cry and shake uncontrollably.

Then I was told that he was sitting across the church laughing and smiling. Even though I know that this probably isn't as hard for him as it is for me being on the receiving end, I couldn't imagine how he could be so happy. I got angry. I hated him in that moment. (I know 'hate' is a strong word, but it very closely describes how I felt.) I got even angrier when I realized that he was making me feel anger in church on Christmas Eve!

Even though the anger replaced the saddness for a while, I wonder if this is healthy? Is it normal to go from loving someone so completely one week, to nearly hating him the next? Should I allow myself to feel such a negative emotion? Will it make me bitter? Is it easier to heal when you feel the anger than it is when you feel the sadness?

I don't know what to think. My feelings for someone I once loved so much have never changed into something that negative before. Please help. . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2004
Sat, 12-25-2004 - 10:52am
oh honey, that must have been so difficult for you.
it is completely normal to go from loving to "hating" him - you have been deeply hurt, and these are the stages we experience when something so traumatic happens. you love him and you cannot understand anything going through his head right now. and so naturally when he expresses joy while you're expressing misery, what else is there to feel but anger toward him?
one thing you might consider is writing a letter - not one that you'll necessarily send, but one in which you express all these emotions, the frustration, the confusion. sometimes just getting it all down can be somewhat freeing.
it's totally understandable for you to feel so confused. he left with little explanation. you may seek explanation from him now, but the truth is that it will never be satisfactory...and there will always be "one more thing" that you want to say to him or that you need him to say to you.
i know it's so hard to see this now, but you are better off without this man who would leave with no explanation - imagine how much worse it would be if he prolonged this, how much more pain he would have caused. you obviously have so much love to give, and he wasn't worthy of it.
i completely agree with the poster who said to cut off all contact. i just recently did the same with someone who dumped me and, while it still hurts to think about him, etc., i do feel somewhat liberated having deleted his number from my phone and given him back all his things.
in the meantime, keep letting it out - the store clerks, the friends, the family, the mailman, EVERYBODY who might see you break down has gone through it before. the whole world understands that breaking up just sucks, that it hurts, and that sometimes we spontaneously cry because it hurts so bad. and it's ok. don't bottle it up because to overcome the anguish you first have to accept it.
and eventually, you'll cry less, you'll think of him less, and you'll return to loving yourself so much that you'll know you deserve better. for now, don't judge yourself for feeling this way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2004
Sun, 12-26-2004 - 2:38pm

You all are truly amazing people. I want to express my sincerest gratitude to you all for taking the time to read my story and send me your replies. I know I have said this in all my postings, but I cannot tell you enough how much all of your insight is helping me.

Christmas morning was especially difficult for me. I opened up the gifts from my family, and was reminded of him. Not to say that I had forgotten him, but the gifts were things that I would have shared with him or done with him. We had a routine that we would do every Christmas too, and it saddened me to think - no more.

Every day I feel it getting a bit easier to function. I'm eating more, and although I still can't sleep through the night without waking up in a panic, I am sleeping more hours. I am angry more often than I am sad, but I don't know if that is necessarily a good thing.

I guess the things that are holding me back are my regrets. I know regrets are self destructive, but I can't help but wonder. If I would have done this differently or said that instead of this, would things have been different? Should I have taken his decision so easily, or should I have fought for us? It's particularly hard because I was convinced, and probably still am, that he was the one.

Although we were only in a relationship for the last 2 and a half years, I have had feelings for him for the last 12 years! 12 years! How do I shut those feelings off? I can't imagine life without him because I can't remember a time before him. And to be honest, I don't want to know what that's like.

I keep saying to myself, "I'm going to stop posting. These people have been so patient and kind, I'm going to take their advice and move on." But it's theraputic. I always feel a bit better after I vent and post my thoughts.

Thanks again for taking the time to read them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2004
Sun, 12-26-2004 - 3:01pm

Jaxxie,

This, too shall pass. These emotions you're going through are natural. In our society, we are told that anger, sadness, and regrets are not *good*. But, they are only human, just as we are. So, go ahead and feel them and express them. They are all a part of who you are. And continue to take care of yourself physically as you have been.

If you had done things or said something differently, you may have not have been truthful to yourself. I also don't think it would have changed his decision. Don't doubt yourself at this point. There was a time before him, and there will be a time after him. Use it to find out about yourself, and what YOU really want to do with your life.

Mimiche

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 11:05am

I have read all the replies to the original post. I am so sorry to hear of everyone's stories of heartache. It is comforting to know that others can share in your pain and relate. There is such an abundance of great advice and information on this site and in these discussion boards. I want to share my story and offer some tips.
Unfortunately I have also recently come out of a 6 year relationship. Like jaxxie20, I was dumped right before Christmas (2 weeks). It gets better. My father had recently passed away last month so my boyfriend's (I guess I should start calling him my ex now) timing couldn't have been worse. I know there is no good time to break off a relationship but I am glad that he told me now rather than putting it off and dragging it out any longer. I have already devoted 6 years of my life to this person. I don't think it is healthy to stay in a relationship with someone that is no longer emotionally tied to you anymore. Like jaxxie20, I had no idea it was coming. It hit me like a freight train. One day he loves me and the next, he tells me he is uncertain of our future together. I was devastated! I felt like my life was over that moment. I went to my mother's house and cried my eyes out. It didn't take me long to realize how selfless she was being by consoling me. Here I am crying over a loss love of 6 years and she just lost her husband of 40+ years. I knew right then I had to take the appropriate time I needed to grieve but I also needed to move on and be strong for my mother. I am very blessed to have wonderful friends and family. I have leaned on them and drawn courage and strength from them. I hope you all can draw on the strength and courage from others around you - even if it comes from kind strangers who are there to listen and post advice for you.
My ex never really gave me more information than the fact that he didn't know what he wanted for the future, that he didn't doubt the fact that he loved me, and that he needed time to think. I was left hanging. There is nothing worse than the not knowing where you stand part. He tells me that there is a chance that he will regret his actions and come crawling back to me. As much as it hurts right now and as much as I want him back, I won't allow myself to put my life and my healing process on hold for him. He has kept me waiting for way too long already. I am treating the situation as if he will never return to me. There are a couple of phrases I read to myself almost daily to help me out. I hope they can help you too:

1. You do not want to be with someone who is not 100% sure of your relationship and your future together as a couple.
2. You deserve someone who wants to be with you.
3. Live on faith - not hope.
4. Now is the time to take care of you.
5. I depend on me.
6. Endings are ALWAYS opportunities to a new beginning.
7. Jealousy, envy, hate, and resentment serve no good purpose. They will only eat you up inside, keep you emotionally attached to the pain, and prevent you from moving on.
8. You do not NEED him, you WANT him.
9. Today is a new beginning.

I know it is easy to read these words to yourself, and right now in your whirlwind of emotions they are just words. But as each day passes, these words will begin to pick up meaning. I have been there. I am far from being over the hurt, the feeling of betrayal, and the shock of the breakout. However, there is only one direction we can move in and that is forward. I wish you all the best!

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