Dumped a week before Xmas

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2004
Dumped a week before Xmas
19
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 7:12pm
My boyfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with me last Friday night - a week before Christmas! It came out of nowhere. He said he's "not that into" me anymore. I am lost and confused and lonely. I was completely in love with him and had no idea he was feeling that way. I haven't been able to sleep through the night, and I can hardly eat. I have just taken back all of the Christmas gifts I bought for him, and went through the embarassing ordeal of breaking down every time a sales clerks asked why I was returning the gifts. I need help, advice, anything to help me feel the slightest bit happy before Christmas is here.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 3:56pm
I feel you girl. Me and mine broke up the day after Thanksgiving. I found out he had been dating another woman, and he couldn't bring himself to break up with me. I had to do the breaking up. I too have spent a lot of time crying. I hadn't gotten to the point of buying him or his son Christmas gifts, so I had nothing to return, but both of their names were on my list with gifts in mind. It sure didn't feel good shopping for others and having the "dream" of the gifts that might have been. I'm sure I spilt a tear or two in the toy aisle at Kmart - Basically wishing I still had those two to buy gifts for. It's now been a bit over a month for me. I am not crying every day like I was. It is slowly getting better, but I still ride that roller coaster of the good, the bad and the ugly. It would be nice if getting through these break ups wouldn't be so heart wrenching. I guess that's what makes us stronger though right? Hang in there girl. We'll both be ok.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 12-27-2004 - 7:16pm
I'm sorry to hear about your break-up....I know it's hard...especially during the holidays but we're here to help anytime you need us!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 3:12am

Hey Jaxxie,

I feel your pain. I was also dumped a week before Christmas and 2 weeks before our 1 year anniversary/New Years Eve, seemingly out of nowhere. Great holiday right?

After reading the responses to your post, I find comfort in the fact that there is support out there from objective sources. My friends and family have been so instrumental in my recovery, and through their love and support, I know my life can go on even though it feels like your heart should've just stopped the moment he said he no longer loved you.

I cried my eyes out for 2 days straight. I had to tell all my friends and family that this guy, this cowardly, selfish, immature guy, had broken my heart. Even though its been a little over a week, I feel like i've healed a lot, but know I have such a long way to go. My ex is making it easier to get over him because he's being an ass, and honestly, it's easier to hate him right now than to hurt over him.

I thought I was lucky for finding the man I was going to marry in the first man I fell in love with, which is why it hurt all the more after the breakup. I kept asking myself, "Now what? Where do I go from here?" I can't answer those questions yet because the memories are still too fresh in my mind. But I returned to him all the pictures and cards and anything else collected during our relationship back to him. For me its easier because there will be no reminders of him or our life together.

I don't know what the best path for your healing will be, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm here with you, hurting right alongside you. Misery loves company right? And hopefully soon, we'll both put this painful chapter behind us and we'll be able to look back and say "hey, I did learn a lot during that relationship and it made me the stronger and better person that I am today." Good luck to you and me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 3:18pm

I can so relate to what you are going through. My boyfriend of almost 2 years broke up with me on Christmas eve. Well, he actually didn`t break up with me, he just wouldn`t talk to me again. He was supposed to come to my house with his kids Christmas eve, but I never heard from him. I started to call in the morn. and continued throughtout the day. I think I must have left 100 messages. I felt like a fool, but couldn`t help it. I went to his house and he wasn`t home, so I left gifts for him and his kids on his front porch.

I continued foolishly calling on Saturday (Christmas), Sunday, Monday, and yes, even today. I just didn`t understand how he could be so cold. It hurts bad, I know. How could they tell you they love you one week, and the next it`s over. I just wanted some kind of closure, but I just am not getting it.

I guess the only advice I can pass on is what I`ve been given...that this person is not capable of love and and is probably not a happy person inside. They are not worthy of our love. Anyone who could be so cruel to another person will get his some day. We may not know how or when, but it will happen. We will be better off in the long run...I know it just doesn`t feel like it right now.

Hugs,
Keleka

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2004
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 8:34pm

So much has been posted since I was last here. Yesterday was really bad for me and today isn't much better. Maybe it's starting to sink in that this is really happening. It's almost a different kind of hurt I'm feeling. It's not shock anymore, and the confusion seems to be gone too. Now it's a real deep down ache, a sense of lonliness, and nothing can make it go away. Is this the first stage of acceptance?

I guess part of me was expecting him to call, say that he's sorry, that he made a mistake, and beg me to go back to him. Now after a week and a half with nothing, all hope of that is gone. Maybe that's why the last 2 days have been especially hard. I don't even know if I could get back with him because I just don't trust him not to hurt me again.

After I saw him on Christmas Eve I was angry for days - until yesterday. Then the saddness came back and I realized how much easier it was when I was angry at him. Although I hate hating him, I think I need to right now. I'm sure that's the wrong way to go about it though but being sad scares me.

I can't stop analyzing my relationship with my ex either. Looking back I think he was planning this breakup for months. He would buy me things and say that one day I would look at them and remember him "in case we ever broke up." He would tell me all the things he wanted to do with me, and in the last few months we spent a considerable amount of time ticking them off the list. He always told me that he wanted to make memories. Well now those memories are haunting me! It kills me to think that he knew about this for so long and still led me to believe that we had a future. In fact, he even told me that he would have broken up with me 6 months ago if he didn't owe me money. Why didn't I see the signs? Probably because even in the last month of our relationship he was calling me his "future wife." The anger is back.

One thing that I never mentioned in my previous posts, probably because it was too painful to think about, was that one reason he broke up with me when he did was because he met someone who was different from me. She made him realize that there are other types of girls out there. He said she is interested in politics (among other things) like he is, and that he can have intelligent conversations with her. I talked about politics with him all the time even though it wasn't a passion of mine. I feel betrayed.

What a ventfest. Even though I have a great family, I think they are avoiding talking to me about this because they don't want to upset me anymore, and I don't want to force it on them. My friends have stopped calling and have gotten busy with their own lives. But I am not done feeling bad. I am not ready to stop talking, or thinking, or feeling, but it seems like I have no one who has the time to help.

I should have stopped writing when I was angry. . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 9:27pm

I am totally depressed too. In my heart I know I am going to be better off in the long run, but I just feel so sad and depressed right now.

How could he have told me he loved me a week ago?? We even went looking for wedding rings one weekend not long ago. I just don`t get it, and don`t think I will ever know the reason.

I am also so mad at myself for being weak and calling him over and over again. I even drove to his house several times and it was locked up tight (he lives in the country and never locks his house). He`s definetly sending me a message. I drove out there tonight thinking if I caught him after work he would talk to me and tell me why he`s doing this. Well, he was home but wouldn`t answer the door. That was humiliating. I can`t seem to make myself stop. I hate feeling so desperate.

I also keep thinking he`s going to call and tell me he`s sorry and made a huge mistake, but it`s not happening. And even if it did, I couldn`t go back to him. I just think it would somehow make me feel better. Strange huh??

I wish I could take back all the phone calls I`ve made...it must make him think he`s so cool. I just keep thinking he might answer the phone and tell me the reason he did this to me.

I did everything for this jerk (yes, I`m feeling angry right now). He couldn`t find someone who would treat him and his kids better. His kids love me a lot. I know they will go on and be fine, but I really do love them. It hurts all around.

I think it is so hard for us to deal with this because we cannot imagine how a person could be so cruel. We are decent and caring people who would never treat someone how we are being treated. These men will not be happy in the long run. They are not capable of a long and loving relationship. Every relationship loses that new feeling. Some men are always chasing what they don`t have. You know. they think the grass is always greener. Well, guess what...it`s not.

I am so glad there are others out there who are willing to listen. My friends and family think I`m crazy for dwelling on this jerk. They can`t understand why I can`t just get on with my life and forget him. They tell me he never loved me, that he was just using me. That may be true, but it makes me feel worse to hear it. I was the one who shared almost 2 years with him. He made me feel like I was so special. He said all the right words, and I miss that so much now. I keep thinking he will call.....

Well, there`s my vent for now

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Fri, 12-31-2004 - 5:33pm
Hi Jaxxie - I thought I'd write as I'm going through the exact same feelings.. A LOT of hurt but anger and confusion keep making their way into my head too. My BF spoke of marriage as well, as recent as a month ago asked if I was going to change my name to his when we got married...and then he breaks up two weeks before Christmas. It's about the worse feeling a person can experience as I know you'll agree. And I, like you, feel bad talking to my friends or family about this anymore as I know they have grown tired of it. Tonight is New Years eve and it's the first New Years in 4 yrs we won't be together. I don't understand how someone's feelings can change so quickly. I hope your healing process goes quickly. Sometimes it helps to know that there are others out there that have survived this, because sometimes it feels impossible to go on another day without this person in your life. I hope you have a nice New Years Eve and have a few hours at least of peace from thinking of the break-up.. hugs...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2004
Sun, 01-02-2005 - 8:08pm

Just when I start to think that things are getting better I fall into another slump. I was going to post last week to say how much easier things were getting when boom - I start overanalyzing and obsessing again.

There are two factors about my breakup that I have unintentionally convinced myself of. I realize that zeroing in on these issues is only holding me back from healing, but I cannot stop obsessing.

The first I think I may have touched on in one of my last posts. It has to do with the fact that I think my ex was planning the breakup for some time. I think he actually sat down and picked December 17, and then counted down the days. There were hints he dropped that I could only see in hindsight. The thought that I was in the relationship thinking that nothing was wrong, while he had a countdown of when he would be rid of me is killing me. I feel so deceived. I feel like a fool. Why didn't I pick up on it sooner? I keep thinking that there I was, holding his hand, cuddling with him, kissing him, doing all those couple things, and he was being fake! It haunts me and I don't know how to say, "oh well, can't change it, get over it." I want in the worse way for him to know that I figured it out. That he didn't get away with it. I don't know what good that will do, but somehow right now I feel like calling him out on it would make me feel better.

The second thing is that I am convinced that he left me for someone else. He didn't tell me at the time of the breakup, but I text messaged him that night and asked if there was someone else involved. He then admited that he met someone. He said they aren't dating, but I have got it stuck in my head that he left me so that he could be with her. Looking back I remember him talking to me about her. I didn't think anything of it at the time because never in a million years did I think he would leave me for someone else. But he knew so much about her. He only met her a few weeks (if even) before he broke up with me, but he already knew so much. It makes me wonder if he was spending time with her behind my back. All those nights when he said he couldn't see me, was he with her? It haunts me too.

I know I really need to accept that these issues don't matter anymore. I know I need to realize that I am only making these assumptions in hindsight, but it's so hard to not know the truth, and I don't know if I can move on without the truth. How can I get over it if I am always wondering?

New Years Eve was especially difficult. As soon as the clock hit 12:00, I couldn't hold back the tears. I don't know why it was so hard, but it was. I'm still not much better today.

You all have given me strength in your posts. Whenever I read what people have written to me, or to eachother in the other discussions, I feel much better. Whenever I can get on here and let out my thoughts, I feel much better. Reading others stories has given me faith that things will get better. I just have to find a way to get over this hump I'm in now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Thu, 01-06-2005 - 10:40am

Jaxxie, honey,

I hope you're doing better today. I had a rough morning myself (still am actually). I'm starting to accept that there were definitely things that were obstacles for us, that there's a pretty good chance that we wouldn't have worked out longterm, that someone had to do the dirty, better now than later, etc. All that being said, it's still not comforting me the way I would like it to. I still feel nauseous all the time.

I'm just now (in retrospect) realizing how mean and cold I was at times and I think I have a lot of guilt attached to that. It's like I want a chance to explain myself, but I know the damage is done. I would like to stop replaying this in my head, but the pictures are so clear now (hindsight really is 20/20). This is just part of the process. It sucks, but there's no way around it. Just hang in there.

I understand that you feel duped...especially if this was involving another girl. Maybe that's part of the reason he didn't seem phased when you saw him at church. But that should give you more insight into who he really is...and to how much worse it could've been if you were much farther down the line and the same thing happened. It's okay to dislike him and think he's a jerk right now and to be pissed at him...some anger might provide the distance you need in this situation.

And about knowing the truth...be cautious. The truth REALLY hurts sometimes. Knowing the full truth might set you back farther. You'll continue to progress with or without extra information. Keep on going with what you know and if something else is revealed to you, deal with it then...but I don't know if it will be a positive to seek out anything more.

Even though there are set backs, I can tell that you're making progress. You're a strong girl and you'll make it.

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