Dying Inside of Sadness

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Dying Inside of Sadness
12
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 3:43pm
Hi all. I read some other people's posts and appreciated how everyone supports eachother with advice. I figured it couldn't hurt to tell my story and would love to hear back from anyone who wants to share!

I had been in a 6yr relationship with the man I beleive I would marry. It was an intense and loving relationship, and I looked forward to spending the rest of my life with him. He was a ladies man and quite the bachelor before we dated and I was the only woman he had ever committed to and truly loved. His friends and family would tell me they couldnt beleive how I had turned him into such a loving and compassionate boyfriend. We had the storybook romance, the kind everyone was envious of. We both so involved with eachothers families and friends our lives were completely intertwined. We had discussed getting engaged within the year, and were excited to finally really start our lives together.

I truly in a million years never thought we would ever break up. All I've ever known is my life with him.

It was a harsh breakup, the most unthinkable horrible kind. He left me with no explanation, not even a phone call. Its been 4 months and I havent heard from him or seen him. I have had to make up my own conclusions of what happened and why. He did this in the most cruel and unfair way, by never even giving me closure or a goodbye. I run things over and over in my head, trying to look for signs I may have missed. And all I see is the good, the happiness, and the love. I feel like my entire world has crumbled. On the outside I let the world think I am great & moving on, and ready to face the world. But at nite when I am alone, and nothing but the walls of my apt can hear me, I weep for hours and hours until the sun comes up. I cry to the point I think I am going to drown in my own tears. Without closure I feel I will never move on. However, being the strong independent woman than I am, I will never chase after him.

Has anyone been left in such a cruel manner? Anyone who can give me some advice or show me the light at the end of the tunnel?

thank you !

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2004
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 5:02pm
I'm so sorry for what has happened too you. I can feel your pain thru your message, and words can't express how I feel for you. I can only respond too you and I will give you a little prayer as I type. Your going to go thru this pain for awhile, and your healing time is unknown, but you will SURVIVE!! How long it will take for you to heal is unknown, and you can only answer that. Your boyfriend did you completely wrong, and in the long run, he will get his pay back for hurting you so bad. I'm not sure if I'm helping you, because I have never experienced what your going thru, but having your heart broken so bad, I can feel. You might need to seek professional help, because the relationship was so long, and you shared such a life with him. This website is also good, but a professional can help you thru you. Closure is something you need, how you do it and get it is unknown, but you have to be prepared because the closure may not come any time soon, and if you continue to hold onto it, then you will not be able to start over your life. You will hear from him again, when is the answer. He knows that he owes you, and it wlll be such a difficult time when that happens. He probably is afraid to call you because what he has done to you is wrong, and men dont know how to express themselves when they have done such horrible things to us. If you believe in the saying, "what goes around, comes around", mark that in your thoughts, because he will get his one day, and when and if you will hear about it, you will never know. If you have to cry everyday until you fall asleep, then you do it, because you need to grieve, and that's the first step of closure and healing. Put it in your head, that this is going to take some time for you to be a whole person again. You shared so much with this person, and to walk away from you without any notice, is dumbfounded, and your lost in words and thoughts. Take the time you need to cry, and do what you need to continue your life. I know it feels like you cant go on, and it sooooo hard and difficult, because your mind is always on him and what happened? I was in a shorter relationship than you, and I'm still grieving over him, and I know each day I have some progress, but there are days I regress. I also want closure from my ex-friend, but he hurt me and rejected so bad, and I didn't deserve to be treated the way he treated me, and I wanted an apology, because it was my closure. It's been 6 weeks since I've heard from him, and I haven't gotten my apology, and so I asked a question on the website about closure, and someone responded back and said for me not to wait around for him to apologize because I will never get on with my life. I do agree with that, and even though I still want my apology, I have realized that he may never apologize, and I need to let it go. I have in someway let go it, but I still want it, and if I don't get it, then I don't. I think you deserve an explanation, and an apology, but you may need to accept that you may get it and you may not. It's so hard, I can't imagine what your going thru. Your probably going to cry when you read this, because it just stirs up what's going on in your life, and believe me my eyes are watering, because the pain is sometimes unbearable and overwhelming. Even though I still cry, I know there will be a time when I will stop crying and stop thinking of him. When will that happen, I don't know, I just take it one day at at time, because I know I will not feel this way all my life, and you have to believe that, in time you will get thru this, and when you do, I want to hear about it, because your message on how you got thru such a horrible time in your life, needs to be known and expressed so that others will learn how to cope with such a broken heart. Your heart will heal one day, just take it one day at a time, and do what you need to make it. I read all the time on the website, stay busy, and make time for your family and friends. That seems to help, but it is only temporary, until you no longer think of that person, and you have really healed. Believe this, you will survive in time. Continue to read the website and express your thoughts everyday if you need to help. Good luck, and let us know how your doing! I really would like to hear from you and your progress, it will be a big inspiration to all.
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anonymous user
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 5:08pm
hi bprinces, this is my first time posting on this board. I've been reading the messages here for a while now, but seeing your post compelled me to respond. I went through something very similar with my boyfriend of three years, almost six months ago.

We met in London while both of us were living there, though originally we are both from different countries. He from Kosovo, and me from New Zealand. Because of visa issues for me in the UK I had to go home, while he remained in London. We did the long-distance thing for close to a year, but I spent December with him in London again. After returning to NZ in January, I finalised my visa, and had plans to settle in London again in June of this year.

My last phone conversation with him as my boyfriend was in late April. It was happy, loving, completely normal and gave me no indication of what was to come. Two days after that, the last test message ... something along the lines of "hi baby, how are you? I love you and I miss you"

That weekend it was my turn to call him. But the mobile phone was switched off. That didn't bother me. Two days later, it was still off and I was concerned. Two weeks later, it was still off and I was frantic. Niggling thoughts told me this was his way of breaking off, but I refused to accept that he would ever do it like that.

A friend went round to the house for me, tracked him down, and that finally motivated him to call. I knew the minute I heard his voice. He was the one who broke down on the phone that first call, I think I was so shocked I was unemotional. I asked him why he didn't have the guts to call me and tell me straight. How could he end a three year relationship by just turning off his phone and pretending that I didn't exist? "He didn't want to hurt me." Why was he doing it? "His plans had changed." Whatever that means.

I spent the night at my mothers house. The next morning, my sister called at 7am and asked if he had called on my cell phone? He had called three times at her house, 5am, 6am and 6.45 or so. Sure enough, I checked my phone and there were missed calls. He called again, and everything had changed. He was sorry, he made a mistake, he had been sad for the whole day, he missed me so much, and so on. Naturally, I crumbled - we cried together and "sorted things out" in that call. He even spoke to my Mother to ask for her forgiveness for what he had done. (It's a cultural thing in Kosovo to respect the matriarch).

The next day after that, he lost his job. The result of me contacting them to find him, they checked his work visa status, found that it was under review and asked him to leave. He called at three in the morning my time, just after leaving, and went ballistic at me on the phone. He was always a calm guy, never yelled, never got visablly upset - so that call showed me the depth of how upset he was over the whole awful situation. He was beside himself.

At this point, he didn't know what he wanted. He said he needed time to think about whether he wanted the relationship or not. At this point, I was so emotionally drained, I just said "whatever." Two days later, he sent a text message. "I love you but I can't."

We spoke briefly on the phone after that. Agreed that we wanted to be friends, but have had no contact in the six months since.

I don't know what was going on with him. The no, yes, no, I don't know, then no. At times it's as if I can still feel him, am still connected to him mentally and emotionally. But I don't expect to ever see or hear from him again. A month ago, I tried to bridge the gap and sent him a couple of texts, with no response.

It still hurts, but not as much as it did six months ago, and not as much as two months ago. That hurt is always there, but it dims over time. I realise that a part of my heart is always going to belong to this guy, despite what he did - but I'm starting to be able to imagine my life with someone else. And that's my promise to you, gradually it will heal.

It's hard to comprehend why so many men bow out of a relationship in this way. It's as if they simply quosh their emotions, switch off and slam shut this chapter of their lives. I've come to think that a great many men lack emotional courage. I discussed the whole thing with a close male friend of mine, and he said to me "Tamara, chances are he couldn't face you because of the way he still felt about you." For me, there's a small measure of comfort in that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 6:55pm
Been there. She left me hanging by saying, "Hey! Can I call you right back?" I never heard from her again. Here's what I did. Maybe it will help. I hope it does.

Call a licenced massage therapst and make an appointment for a 30 min massage (might cost you $40 with a tip). Next, take the things he left behind and gather them on a table. Take your time and slowly go room to room and find the things that remind you of him. Make sure to include pictures and even the dirty undies.

Once you have everything assembled. Choose a keepsake. The point is not to keep everything, but limit what you keep to the most important item or two.

Package everything else and drive to Wal-Mart or a dept store. See if you can find a gift bag or a decorative box large enough to hold all of the items.

When your massage day comes box up the items and go to a special place. My special place was a beautiful spot on the Maine coast... Open the box and describe the items and remember one last time why you loved him. Honor the relationship for as long as you need to, but leave the box behind. (you might consider Goodwill too) Then drive directly to your massage. During the massage you'll be face down. You might be emotional and that's ok. When I did this the tension released in my muscles combined with a powerful emotions from the relationship funeral I had just attended was overwhelming. I cried so hard there was a spot on the carpet from all of my tears. But I have to say that was the last time I cried for her. It was still painful, but much more managable.

Let me know if you try it?

Joe




iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 11:24pm
Welcome to the board!! I'm sooo sorry to hear about your break-up....that does sound very harsh. Are you sure nothing bad happened to him? I can't beleive after 6 yrs he'd leave without saying anything...although I know it happens...I couldn't imagine going through it. I know you must be hurting and we're here to help in any way we can. I don't have much advice but I can sympathize with you. Just try and stay busy and come here and talk whenever you need to....we're here to listen and offer any advice we can. Good luck and keep us posted!!









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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 4:43pm
Oh my God...are you sure you are not in my brain?? I came on this website seeking some type of solace...some type of..anything and here you are...writing my story! Do you know a similar thing just happenned to me???

I met the man that I thought was the love of my life about 3 years ago online. We lived in the same town, he was in the military and said he was separated and filed for divorce. I believed him. We had a wonderful 6 month relationship - he knew all about my failed marriage, other prior relationships that had gone bad, we shared everything, before he was sent overseas. We continued our relationship during the year he was in Korea. He was everything I could have ever hoped for in a man - thoughtful, considerate, kind, loving, patient - my family loved him, he bought me a ring, we talked and made plans for a future once he returned. We kept up our relationship while he was away, long distance. There were visits home from him during the year he was away - frequent emails, flowers, cards, and talks of a future - marriage, everything. We both talked of how we had found our soul mates. He came home at the end of the year for two weeks but stated he was then assigned for a year to the middle east. We kept up our relationship still, made plans for his return this past summer, but he kept saying his deployment was extended until January of next year. It got harder, but we were still in love, he still called weekly, he came home at Christmastime last year and still emailed regularly. All of a sudden, in September, the emails got less frequent and I asked if there was a problem but he denied it and said nothing had changed. He swore he would be back in January, 2005. He mentioned "undying love", swore he had no desire for anyone else, we were "sealed with a kiss" and he still called me as usual. The last call and email was on September 27, and he completely disappeared. I was frantic. I did not know if something had happenned to him, but he always told me I'd be notified by the military. I sent dozens of emails, begging him to please - write me, tell me something - ANYTHING - just please don't do this to me, but I got no response. I couldn't sleep. Days passed into weeks, without any word from him. I wanted to die. I started seeing a therapist because I was so depressed, but kept hiding it during the day because I am a professional woman and didn't want to tell anyone, I keep up appearances at work, with my family (who is so worried about him being in the middle east by the way,) but came home crying my eyes out at night - just as you mentioned. I felt too embarassed to tell anyone that I'd been abandoned by this person who appeared to be so kind, trusting and who I planned on marrying. I began searching on the internet - trying to do a background search but came up with nothing because of the military address. I got the idea that maybe he was really located elsewhere, perhaps married and wanted to end things and had been stringing me along somehow because I came up with his name, (which is quite common) by doing a search on my own. I can't confirm it, but I suspect that's what happenned. I wanted to believe that things were heating up in the middle east, based upon news reports but still - everyone has access to email at some point!

Finally, I gave up, realizing he meant things to be over. I continued seeing the therapist, I read every self-help book on abandonment, breaking up, lies men tell, etc. In order to get my own closure, I sent a long email to him telling him how he had hurt me, that I hope he can live with himself, and that I was going to move on. It never came back with a response nor was it returned, so I knew he read it. But deep inside, I just couldn't believe or understand how he could walk away from a 3-year relationship. It still hurt like no pain I had ever felt in my life, and I alternated between wanting to end it all, to wanting to believe things will get better. Sometimes I wonder if I can ever trust another man again. It's hard because how do I compare new guys with a guy whow as so, well - "perfect" on the surface?? How do you know that what appears to be nice isn't just all lies?

So a month passes with no contact, and then 2 days ago, I got an ecard from him for my birthday, expressing how he is a "troubled man", and he knows he hurt me, and asking for my forgiveness, how he truly loves me, but no explanation for what happenned, nothing saying he ever wanted to end things, where he's been, nothing.

In a way, I was glad to hear from him, but I still don't have any answers, and it just made me more sad.

So you see, I too wondered if anyone else had experienced anything so cruel before. It is one thing for someone to at least say hey - it's over, even though the breakup may be shoddy. But to just walk out on you after years of what you believe is a good and loving relationship without ANY WORD AT ALL, well - it's hard to compare. It is one of the worst things to have happen. It's like being thrown out with no regard for your feelings. Please, please accept my apology because I understand how sad and hurt you feel.

Perhaps the idea of the massage is a good thing. I've already thrown out all of the things he left behind. I took a short trip to London and it was nice, but he dominated my thoughts. We always said we'd go together.

I think time is probably going to help. I still can't talk about it to people. I feel embarassed even though I know it's not my fault. It just hurts too much.

Hopefully, nothing bad happenned to your guy. But if he is just being cruel or walked away without the consideration that is owed to you, then there is no excuse for such pain. It's not as if it was a short term relationship. You might try emailing him, telling him how he's hurt you. I know you are proud, but hurting someone is wrong. And in my opinion, he deserves to own up to it, and know what he's done, rather than sneaking out the back door.

Whatever you decide, from someone who has been there, know that I wish you well.

Roxanne

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 2:05pm
foxyr3024

I have tears streaming down my face reading your response. Unfortunately I do know he is OK and Well. Very well as a matter of fact. I know thru our many mutual friends that he just 'didnt want to be married' . That was it, after 6yrs. of giving everything I had, thats the only explanation I have gotten and by word of mouth. Reading your story I understand so much the confusion and despearation. I sat here months pondering what could have happened literally overnite to make my entire world collapse. I though, JUST like you have put on a persona and a facade of a strong and happy woman. And I am uterrly shocked and surprised you too feel 'embarrassment' over this. I havent heard many others use this to describe their feelings. I know I did absolutely nothing wrong, and that I was wronged by this man I trusted so much. Yet I constantly feel shamed and embarrassed that I was 'left'. That I was not even worthy of an explanation or a goodbye, that there must be something wrong with me. For so long I didnt even tell friends, co-workers and relatives what had happened, I didnt want anyone's pity. So I instead I went out of my way to be positive and a 'good time'. I didnt want him to hear I was moping and depressed, all I wanted was him to hear good things about me so he could see how great I was , and it was his loss!

The strangest part was just a week before he 'left' me he gave me a card telling me how much he loved me & couldnt wait to spend the rest of his life waking up to me. We had planned a trip to Italy for the following month, and had recently been looking at rings, so I naturally assumed he was going to 'ask' me on our trip to Italy. I feel like I am in the twilite zone, that I woke up and bamm everything had changed overnight. And in the first few weeks I had sent him emails and called hundreds of times, bc my only logical conclusion was that he was kidnapped!(LOL) Only to have to hear from a mutual friend to 'give up' bc he wasnt coming back. Here I am, months later and it has not settled in, and I was not even strong enough to get rid of his belongings and photos. I came home to find that a friend and my mother had done so for me. I guess it was a releif. But I never had any closure & that is the hardest part. I lost not only him but his entire family and most of our mutual friends. I sometimes get so mad at myself for giving up, yet other times thank God for my strength in being able to do this with 'dignity'.

Unfortunately he is a handsome and very successful man, constantly surrounded by women. It kills me to think he never gave this and second thought while I have been dying in this 'living hell'. People have told me to seek counseling and I dont know what is stopping me. I am very curious to hear from you if this has helped. Please let me know how & if counseling has helped you. Also are you taking any anti depressants? I am not and pretty scared to. I have not read any books, not really faced this in any great degree. Posting my story has really been my first step in facing 'reality'.

I have been urged to date and 'move on' and although I go out alot and even went on a 10day cruise with girlfriends last month, I cannot fathom dating yet.

As much as I want to move on and know I need to for sheer survival right now, I have this sick hope he is going to 'wake up' and come back.

I feel so much of your pain and I truly understand any and all feelings of anger and rage and depression you may have. Please let me know how you are doing and what makes you happy right now.

All my love and prayers to you and all women out there going through such pain!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2004
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 9:30pm
I understand your pain as I am in the same spot. I even rechecked post,thought I wrote it.My boyfriend of 6 1/2 years walked away the same way 3 months ago. No contact froamhim since.I called once after 1st month. I needed closure,It felt permanent.I called,he was very distant,just the tone of his voice took me back.He said yes,we were through,know that he wasn't gonna call me for awhile,yes he was still gonna refer me clients I had always done a good job.I told him I loved him & he said if it was meant to be it would. That was it... My closure..WOW!I hung up frozen.I to never believed we would ever break up.We did everything together,never fought, got along great,traveled a couple times a year, everything was good..and now to find out he thinks so little of me.Are you kidding? I've drafted 2 emails to him but would never send them. I took his address completely out so no accidents from temptation.But it lets me vent. I still cry.On the way to work,onthe way home, in the shower.Its so degrading.I'm embarassed,humiliated,needy now and depressed. I was so unprepared.He really may never want to talk to me again...really? Whatever reason,valid & honest..meaning the truth..I COULD accept.But I cannot comprehend the illimination without explanation I didn't deserve that.I gave probably to much now that I look back.WOW! I must look like the epitomy of love is blind. How degrading. I've had no one to talk to thats how I came searching this site. I'm not sure I'll ever get closure..how sad..nor may you. This has been a HUGE life lesson for me.Thats the only the only explanation I can come up with.As far as moving on.. tough.. I know i've read the posts,some self help books,whew..I still think I'm probably done.. This one was to deep.I wish I Could help you,I wish you strength.I can't bring myself to even go out yet.I'm not ready.. I think only time really is the only true answer..How sad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 11:25pm
You know, it is so hard to think of what makes me happy right now...I have a career, I have interests, I have lots of activities that I normally do with friends and it's as if none of those things matter right now. I don't want to do them, and when I do, I feel as if I should be given an Academy Award! I think you may be like me in that your friends look to you for advice about THEIR life, marriages, relationships. They think my life is just SO together. HA! If they only knew....This is the first time that any thing like this has ever happenned to me. It's hard to imagine someone saying "I Love you" today, and then just walking out of your life the next. It's different when you're fighting, not getting along, he's cheating, etc..but when things are going "great", you're looking forward to your future with someone, everyone expects a wedding, and there is no warning, well - it comes as quite a shock.

I can say that talking about it to the psychologist is a great reliever because of the fact that I can go there and be truthful and honest about what happened, and how I feel with her! She did suggest antidepressants, but I don't want to take them. I have trouble sleeping through the night, and yes - where I may have been through breakups before, I keep thinking it will pass in a similar way. But I just haven't gotten to that point yet. This feels so much different. I still love him. I thought he was a great guy. When I got the ecard from him saying "I still love you", it just makes it that much harder because I find myself crying, and asking...OK, then why?? I have no idea where he really is, or what really happened.

If possible, you might find a good counselor/therapist in your area that you can talk with. It's made a big difference - even if it's for an hour. I can go there, cry my eyes out, talk about everything - and she's helped me to see things about him from a different perspective. It's not me - it's him. She also helped me realize that I don't have to tell anyone any more than I feel comfortable revealing. She also says that in time I will feel better, but it's so hard to imagine. I know I'm not ready to date. I think that taking small steps and getting through each day slowly, is probably a major goal at this point.

That's so sad after 6 years with your guy. I'm sure that at SOME POINT he must think of you and realize what he did. I do believe that men have feelings just as we do. Even if it's only when he's alone at night, he's got to think of what he did to you and feel some type of emotion.

I hope you will consider talking with a counselor. It's going to be a long journey, but you will have the privacy of airing your emotions in a supportive environment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 12:58pm
I feel your pain in your message, its more than sadness its confusion and anger, and frustration. Its funny, because like you said,in the car to and from work, and in the shower, are probably the times I cry the most. I guess its because Its when I am alone with my own thoughts and nothing to distract me that I get so emotional. I am constantly trying to keep myself busy. It does help I go out, and see friends, and have my own life, but I constantly feel like I am putting on a Facade. Being fake to keep up appearances, and even to convince myself "hey I am ok, I am smiling and my hair and makeup look nice, I must be doing great". Like Foxy said in her reply, I feel like I deserve an award for handling this so well!

Its the betrayal and lack of closure that hurts the most still. I know after what he has put me through that I deserve better than to be walked out on and treated like this.

Yet I feel this need to hear from him he's sorry, or something, anything just to know I was worth more than being treated like this.

I do beleive in Karma, and eventually one day he will get 'his own' sort of payback. I just want to be able to be "OK" whether or not I ever hear from him again.

No one should be treated like this, let alone someone you were with almost everyday for 6 yrs. Someone you gave everything you had to. But I do consider myself a survivor and at the end of the day I get comfort knowing that its really him who will suffer. The saying 'his loss' really is so true.

Someone said to me recently, that "one day when you are blissfuly happy and you realize this has made you stronger, then you will understand why you went through this"

We will get to this point! all of us, Cant Wait !!

God Bless Ladies!!! Thoughts & Prayers with all of you!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 12:38pm
Welcome to the board...that was a great first post!!
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