Dying Slowly.......heartbroken!
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| Sun, 10-02-2005 - 10:31am |
I am 22 years old, with a mortgage, a full time job and have 2 little boys aged 3 & nearly 5. I have been a single parent since me and the father of the children split in May 2004, we were together for 4 1/2 years. Things didnt feel right, and we were only together so long because of the children.
In November 2004 I met the most wonderful man ever. I have never felt so loved, and cared for in my life. He showed me the meaning of life and I felt so complete. I cannot remember a time when I was so happy, and didnt have to come home to arguements and fights, afraid of being hit again.
He moved in with me about a week after we met, which I know is very fast, but was something we both felt at the time was right. He told me he loved me all the time and I felt the same.
His family were perfect, they accepted my children, which was a big worry to me, becuase I am so young.
Life was fantastic, up until when he came home and told me that he wanted to move out, he missed his friends, and his old life. Which I can accept as my life is totally different to that of someone else my age, something I am very much jelous of.
The next morning, he started packing his things and told me that he didnt want a girlfriend any more, he didnt have time for one, his uni work was getting neglected and he wanted to see his friends more. I was shocked about him moving out, and I was hurting but being dumped at the same time, was allot to take on board. He sais he "loved me" but was no longer "in love with me".....I didnt understand!
Up until then he didnt really give me a reason, then he said that he couldnt accept the children as his own and was too young for such a commitment, and having a house and bills to deal with was something he couldnt handle at his age (20, hes now 21).
When he left, I drove off also to my mums, I needed to go somewhere!
I didnt know what to do, he kept texting me to make sure that I was alright and wants to remain friends as he cares about me very much. But told me that we can never have what we did as my circumstances (the children) will never change. I felt as though this is an excuse as he knew I would do anything to get him back, but the children are the only thing I cannot change.
We got back together after just under 2 weeks
He then decided that he wanted to split up, as he still can't accept the children. Although he says he loves me and doesn't like to hurt me. This was back in July.
I can accept where he is coming from because even I have only just accepted that I cannot change my life however much I might wish to.
He feels that he will never be able to accept the children as his own, and would very much like his own. He wants to have a girlfriend that wants to start a family but doesn't want a pre-made family. I can totally understand where he is coming from and because I wish for the same in life, I cannot change mine and therefore because I love him I have decided to let him live his to the fullest. I do love him very much, and this is breaking my heart, but it would be unfair for me to make him do things that he doesn't want to do, especially life changing things such as bringing up a family. He feels that he would be missing out on too much if he was to stay with me, as he is still very young.
I wish him all the best in his future and I will always be here for him should he change his mind. It is going to take a very long time for me to let go of our relationship because it was wonderful, the best I have ever had! I can truly say that I am in LOVE! But because I love him so much I cannot hurt him just to make me happy
We got back together after just over 2 weeks and went on holiday
We have split up……..again……..Again! After he telling me on our (second day….I think?) holiday that he wanted to be single again……Again! So I asked him if he was saying that “we should split up”? But he said he didn’t know so I said “fine then, you’re dumped!”
After thinking that he wouldn’t do this to me again. Last time was bad enough, I lost a lot of weight (going from a size 14 – 13 stone, 8 – 9 stone) and got very depressed. One day I suddenly decided that I never actually enjoy spending time by myself so I decided to go and have a pub lunch and a glass of wine…and I did. I felt a bit weird at first because I was wondering what people might think of me being alone. Eventually though I blocked them out and enjoyed my meal and the chance to have a really nice glass of wine to relax with. I then decided to go for a drive and sit in the car to think, whilst I stared at the outdoors watching horse-riders and walkers pass their day. I took several pictures of that day which I like to keep on my phone to remind me. I actually started to think about who I was and I what I wanted. I suddenly realised that I was strong and I have already succeeded further than most people in my position. I felt talented. But then I realised that I still had one question. What do I do about him?
I couldn’t thank him enough for what he has done with my life. I think he is absolutely fantastic. But I can’t betray our “friendship” (excuse the quote marks) and hate him for what he is doing. The ONLY thing I can do for him is to be there for him and make sure that he’s O.K. Do I or don’t I let go?
Thankfully though, I have learnt quite a lot about myself since meeting him, I feel I am a better, happier person…I guess I will have to start living my life on my own again. Hopefully I will be strong enough to be “friends!?”.
Its been just over 10 weeks since we split up and I saw him. I sent him a letter via email telling him exactly how I felt just over 2 weeks ago. I told him that I was upset that he doesn’t keep in touch and that I miss him and love him loads. I also said that if I didnt hear from him in a month that I will have to accept our split and move on. I am however finding this very hard. I am dreaming about him every night, and I am constantly thinking about us.
I dont know what to do to make things easier, I cant work, I cant sleep, I cant think, I cant do anything but think about him and why we dont talk anymore. I feel so alone yet my heart still believes that we are meant to be. I wish he wasnt such a "nice guy" - I wish I could hate him, but I cant.
If we wernt meant to be together then why does my heart tell me to wait?
I am such a strong person, I have coped through allot, but never have I felt so much pain and misery in my life..............
Please please help me, I feel so alone, and I dont know what to do. I want him back! I will do anything, I cant lose him, he is the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm just taking every day, well every hour at the moment as they come, up and down with the emotions........

I would be really grateful if someone could give me some advice please. I am feeling so lost and unsure of what to do.
If I really need to move on, does anyone have any advice on how to do this?
Thanks
hi there, first i want to say how sorry i am for your pain...most of us(maybe all) on here are either feeling it right now just as you are, or have in the past...so know that you are not alone.
i think you should be really proud of yourself(not to say that you aren't), because raising two kids at such a young age, owning a home, that's amazing...i'm 28 and i don't own a home, i rent an apt, and i don't think i could even handle having a dog, never mind two children!...so my hats off to you.
i know it hurts soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad right now, but there really is nothing to make that pain go away immediately. it's just something we have go through...i know it SUCKS, but we cannot fight it, it will just get worse. your break up was 10 weeks ago which is still so fresh, so ofcourse you're going to feel the pain....have you tried praying? Ask whatever higher power you believe in not just to make your pain dissappear(maybe to ease it a bit in the meantime), but ask for guidence as to what YOU can/should do in order to relieve the pain for good....i think there are some issues here(we all have them, it's not neccessarily a bad thing), or it could be something you need to see about yourself through this experience....this is such a loooooooong, very painful, yet enlighting(i know, hard to imagine...sigh), road/journey ahead of you. there's no quick way around it, and despite what many people may tell you, it's not just about time...time alone will not heal your pain...atleast not for good or in the long run.
i too, couldn't eat, couldn't concentrate at work, i could hardly muster up the strength to get up in the morning to do the daily things we must do...sometimes i truely found it difficult to breathe, and quite frankly, sometimes i didn't even want to...and i know how it is when the ex is a nice guy, it really does make it so much more difficult to let go..i was with my ex for 4 years(lived for 2) and he was/is wonderful. overall we had an amazing relationship, and had a connection that i think is very rare, and he loved me soooooooooo much...but i left him, and did some not so nice stuff.....and still, he's not angry with me, and that makes it even harder for me to let go. we broke up a bit over a year ago, and i'm still trying to heal and let go. it's only for the past month maybe that i feel a little progress, and i don't have as many break downs......and i'll tell you that it wasn't time itself(if it was, i would have healed a lot sooner), it was me realizing and working on some of my issues. but it wasn't too long ago that i felt how you are feeling right now. i am still hurting though. i haven't completely healed or let goed. i'm making some progress, but it still a long journey ahead for me too.
i'm sorry for rambling. you MUST let go or atleast start with making the decision to WANT to let go. i know letting go is difficult, and it can be a long process(i'm a perfect example), but you have to WANT to let go....that's your first step. i can almost guarantee that if you DO NOT make a decision to let go and start the process of it...you will always feel what you are feeling right now, and i know you can't want that. and to be honest with you, i don't think it's your heart that is telling you to wait...i think it's something else(issues, i know you don't want to hear that but it's true, we all have them, we're human!) and it sounds all nice and romantic to say it's the "heart" but there really is no logic in that.
i also don't think it's a good idea to keep in touch with eachother or be "friends" atleast not right now. i did that this whole year since my break up and that definately made it more difficult to let go and heal...so maybe one day in time, when you're ready and healed you can be friends but not right now.
i wish i could make your pain and mine(and everyone else on here) go away, but unfortunately, i haven't discovered that magic pill yet...so, i hope i've helped even just a tiny bit...you will be in my thoughts and prayers. take care.
Hello Angel,
It's hard to be alone and being so sad when you are so young and a single Mom struggling. Since my ex husband and I split in 95, I have dated 2 men. You see, I saw my children as my priority. The first bf was wonderful in some regards but all wrong in most. My kids never liked him. When it got bad I left for the kids, NOT me. I didn't care enough about myself to leave him for me. But, I knew my kids could NOT see their Mom so upset and depressed.
The next man I was with (my recent ex that I speak about here) for 3+ years. It was mostly a LD relationship and a May Dec. (he is half my age). My childred liked him well enough but there were some issues.
We split about our own stuff but I think it is better for my children. Whilst my recent ex liked my kids well, he was young and very selfish and could not be the role model my kids needed. He was kind and respectful but VERY angry and moody much of the time (one reason I ended it..enough's enough).
So my 2 cents: End this for good for your kids if you cannot do it for you. This man is not committed to you or the kids. He cannot accept them. Aren't they your treasures? You can and will find a man that accepts the whole package. This is our generation. Your package is nothing new in our times.
Be hopeful and optimistic but do not dwell on an unstable man who cannot support and nourish your life.
If your not going to learn it now, you will in about 5 years.
A woman will do anything to keep a man who makes her feel the way he made you feel. Yet...he doesn't want to play the daddy role. Living with you is JUST THAT - him and you playing house.
angelutalula - u have to put your children first now. Your young and have so much more to learn. But right now you have to focus on what your children need. They do not need a man running in and out of their home. All this breaking up to get back together in 2 weeks is nonsense.
If your not going to be strong for your kids and realize how this is affecting them, how do you expect for this man to stop playing with you?? You must put your foot down and realize its just not going to work. No man wants to be a daddy to another womans kids at 21. Im sorry to be harsh, but I've been there. It is very rare that you'll find a man to love you just as much as he loves your children. So take that as a lesson learned!!
After a week you move him into your house??? Come on honey....your a mom now. No man will love you as well as you deserve unless you take your time and love yourself first. Do whats right for you and your kids and then a REAL man will come along. Someone who can accept your situation and want to make it right. What good man moves in with a girl after a week unless its just about "sex". Im 27...i've been in your shoes. Please wake up....
Hey guys and thanks for your messages. I go to Uni 2 evenings a week myself for a HND and I am teaching myself piano and have started going horseriding again. I am ok at finding things to do, but I still miss him. I think its just the fact that when he went that was it, I havnt seen him since.............I guess I just want to know how he is and what hes been up to, this is what upsets me becuase I dont know him anymore.
I know I have to be strong and I really am trying. I know I have to do this for the kids and myself but it is very hard. I have had to grow up very quickly when I had children and I know I have only myself to blame but I still struggle and every day makes me stronger. I am just finding it hard to juggle a full time job, housework, uni, and the kids on my own. I guess its lonely too!
Love is proven by actions, not words.
If he truly loved you, he wouldn't have continued to keep coming in and out of your life after 2 weeks at a time and he wouldn't have instantly fell out of love with you in such a short period of time!
Of course you'll find a man who will love you regardless of you having kids. I was a single mom of 1 at 22 and I found someone @ 24 who loved me regardless of the fact I had a 2 year old daughter.
But you gotta get off of the fairy tale type thinking. You have to concentrate on your kids and yourself first and know what you will and will not tolerate in your relationships. That running in and out that he was doing and you accepted it is one thing. The second thing is LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES.
Good gracious but you have a lot on your plate. I think I was satisfied just to shower, blow dry my hair, and put make-up on when my kids were that little!!
It sounds like your ex to just too young to deal with this - and rightly so. That is a huge responsibility for a man of any age to take on, let alone one his age. The two of you are in such different places in life and my guess is that living with you must have felt to him like his life was in fast-foward. Of course what he doesn't seem to realize is that kids don't stay little forever so the dynamics would have changed eventually. But anyway, it might not seem like it now, but he is actually being very responsible in not contacting you and no longer toying with your emotions. The only way to get over him is to admit to yourself it is over. And trust me when I say this - while he may seem like the best thing that ever happened to you now -- better things will eventually happen! One tool that helped me during a heartbreak was to keep a journal of my feelings. A lot of the entries were actually address to him, sort of like unsent letters. It was very catharic when it came to dealing with the roller-coaster of feelings. hope this helps-take care.
Lois
Some man will love you of course..but date a bit once u get settled from this..and do not bring every man home. Wait until a few months til you are SURE he is the one. Tell each man you meet you have kids that are your life and when the right man comes into your life, he can have the honor of knowing them. Be a strong woman and make sure only the best man enters your life for their sake.
If a man does not want a ready made family well he is not the one..