The Emotinal Hurricaine
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| Tue, 09-27-2005 - 10:34pm |
Warning: This is a very long. I am seeking advice from anyone who is willing to give it to me. I am going through a hard time right now and have no one to turn to. So please any little bit of advice is welcomed. Thank you in advance.
We started out hating each other. Then we became "friends with benefits". Then we became a couple. Our five year anniversary is next month. Throughout our 5 years together I feel as if I have given my all (and then some). Every year that we were together it seemed as if it became worse and worse for him financially.
Now we broke up a last week (a day before the Rita came to town) He told me he couldn't deal with me constantly telling him to get out of my house in the middle of the night when we argued. He said that I have a control problem always wanting to see him in pain. He also told me that I needed to learn how to accept negative things in life, that I have been too sheltered from the real world. I told him that once we had our time apart and we both got ourselves back together maybe we could give it another try. He said he had no interest in trying to work it out. I live in an area that had to be evacuated for the storm and I asked him to come by so he could grab whatever was of importance to him. He not once asked me where I was going nor did he ask me if I would be okay. He just asked me to grab the cereal he had purchased the day before and bring it to him because he didn't want his money to go to waste. Once I secured my self in what I thought was a safe area, I decided to be the bigger person and called him. I asked him if he would be okay, he said yes, I told him that I missed him he said "okay". Now imagine how crushed I was when I recieve such a cold response from someone who claims to love me so much. Is this what they call tough love? Well I politely ended the conversation with him and went to bed. 2AM in the morning he sends me a text message saying he still loves me. I try to be strong, by not calling him or responding to the message. And history repeated itself because he called to ask me how am I doing. I said, "okay" and told hime that I would talk to him later. I felt extremely bad for blowing him off so I responded to his text message with "I still love you too." The next day his home town was hit by Rita. I called him to make sure that his family was okay and if he needed anything to call. I felt that was appropriate. He called back saying that he was stressed because he could not get in contact with any of his family to see if they were okay. I went online to get telephone numbers of shelters and emergency numbers he might could use to get in contact with them and called him back. He informed me that he found them and that he and a local relative (the one he couldn't stand) were going to travel back roads to go and get them the following day. I said, becareful and call me when you get there so I know that you are okay. He called me the next morning, he didn't go to get them and he was upset so I let him vent. I stayed on the phone for a good hour listening to him complain and worry. He finally asked me how I was doing and asked me what I was doing to rest of the day. I told him nothing and that I would be by to pick up some money he owed me later that afternoon. He said fine, and I told him that when everything is said and done I would like to see him. He said "we'll see". So I stopped by, drove him around town looking for an ATM with money and a somewhere for him to eat. Not once did he look me in my eye or respond to our situation with the relationship. After we ran his errands he told me he would talk to me later and got out of the car. I called him and told him that it hurts to know that he could only display anger in responce to my feelings when I open up about our relationship and how I feel about him. I told him that I understand that he is stressing about his family, but they are safe and want to remain where they are until further notice. I told him that I need more than "okay" when I tell him that I miss him, love him or want to see him. I apologized for not being able to detach myself from my emotions like he can, I am human and I care about people & things. I told him that I would not call him anymore, that I got the picture he no longer wanted to be bothered with me unless he needed something. He became enraged and told me that this was the wrong time to bring up our relationship, that I needed to quit getting mad everytime he didn't react to things the way I wanted him to react. That I couldn't control my emotions and he apologized for putting me in an emotional hurricaine that I couldn't handle. I told him that I was confused as to what he wanted from me. How could he expect for me to turn into only a friend a day after we break up. I am still riding winds of our break up. He told me he wasn't stupind that he knows we just broke up and we have things going on between us, but that wasn't important. Bye! I laughed after he hung up. I don't know if it was because I was happy he was mad or if I laughed to keep from crying. I decided to turn off the ringer on my phone so I would always miss his call, if he didn't leave a message then it isn't important. It has been two days and he still hasn't called. I don't know, maybe I am wrong for pushing so hard for an emotion other than anger. My heart is saying work it out, ask him to stay, call him, he will change. But my mind is telling me I would be a fool to go through the same thing again, you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I don't know what to to do. Am I wrong? Should I move on? Or should I just wait for him to come around, (he still has to get his things from my apartment) and try and talk to him. Or should I wait for him to make the first move? I can't afford to do anything like school or shop because I am in debt because of my car and the gas card. Would I be wrong if I asked him to help me pay for these things that wouldn't be if I wasn't helping him? Or should I be angry like him and pack all of his things and leave them on the patio and give him a week to come and pick them up before I donate them to goodwill?
Our History
2000-2001 We worked together and therefore had to keep our relationship a secret from our co-workers which was extremely stressful, seeing as how he didn't have a car and we carpooled. We did this for two years, which wasn't a problem because we usually spent the night at each others house. Then he had to move out of his apartment and in with relatives because he could not afford to have his own place (which I still don't understand, seeing as how we made the same amount and I had a car note and rent). He claimed he couldn't stand to be around his relatives for long periods of time and wanted to spend more time at my place, I said okay. Eventually he bacame an extra mouth to feed. So here we are working together, shacking up and all the while keeping it a secret from our co-workers and my parents (because I do not believe in living together before marraige and I was afraid they would be disappointed in me for going against my beliefs)I was okay with this because it was only for a short time, but during this short time he felt the need to express everything on his mind that was negative. Fine, I have no problem with critcism as long as it is constructive. This criticism turned into complaints about my driving, my emotions, the friends I choose, the way I dress, how much money I make, my beliefs, my family, my personality, and how he thought I had slept with one of our co-workers (which I didn't). We argued constanly because he complained constantly, but for some reason I never had the courage to tell him to leave. I just accepted it, thinking things would get better.
2001-2002 Things did get better, I was accepted to a private university and had to move across town to be closer to the campus. I found dirt cheap apartments that I thought were extremely nice, he also thought they were dirt cheap and nice and decided to move into the same complex a week earlier than I. So we were no longer living together but were still living together. He had no furniture, nor did he buy groceries, so he walked to my apartement 90% of the time to sleep and eat (only when he was mad or full did I not hear from him), oh yeah and for a ride to work. Things had gotten a little better, because we weren't arguing as much (because we had our space), and he eventually got a car. But the kicker here is my car started to fail on me. (He gave me a ride to work 3 times the whole year we lived in those apartments) I borrowed money from my parents and got my car fixed because it was just obvious I could not count on him to be there for me. (I see it now but in the begining I couldn't) His car broke down on him again and again I was his taxi to and from whereever he needed to go. Still having to edure his constant negativity, not just about me but about everything around him. How he just expected the worst to happen to him. I kept asking him when will him and I make our friendship a relationship and I kept getting the same response, "I'm not ready to be in a relationship."
2002-2003 I eventually accepted his answer but had to move back in with my parents because I just could not afford to take care of myself and a house guest. He was becoming to comfortable with leaning on me. He was laid off soon after I moved and I gave him his space, but one night he called told me that I was the one for him. That I was the only one that could understand when he needed to be left alone, that I was always there for him when he needed me and that no other woman would be able to accept him playing the playstation until 9am everyday. I accepted this invitation into the relationship but I may have been too eager, because 5 months later he said he couldn't handle me being around all the time. I was devasted, couldn't handle the break up, begged for him to give it another try, thought maybe there was another woman, even did the childish thing and drove by his house at night to see if he was alone (he was, always playing the playstation. Seeked advice from my mother and she told me to move on because he was bringing me down. All the energy and happines I had once had left soon after I started to hang with him. Eventually I threw myself into school and didn't call him, and for some reason men (at least my experience with them)can't stand for you to call them all the time, but hate it when you don't call at all. So we eventually got back together and decided to move in together to save some money. (Again hiding it from my co-workers, his ex-co-workers and my family) It didn't work, I was working two jobs (one fulltime and one parttime) and going to school and his car broke down again so I was also taking him to work everyday. It got to the point to where all I wanted to do was sleep. I eventually had to drop out of school because I had no time to study or go to school. Because I worked 1 hour away from our apartment, he worked 45 minutes away from our apartment and my school was 15 minutes away from our apartment and his hours at work weren't steady like mine, every week they changed. Which meant everyweek my sleep hours changed. I was rushing all over town so much that I took sick, my body just gave up, but I still stuck with our forever chaninging routine. Until I had to go to the emergency room because I thought I was having a stroke. Called and told him about it and he said he "damn sorry to hear that". Again routine continued until I awoke one morning and couldn't move and he still wanted my to drop him off at work, (he didn't want to be late) I got upset and told him I didn't feel well, he told me he would drive himself to work in my car and I could sleep on the way there, that way I could be rested to drive myself back home. He also decided that he would stay with his relatives (that he couldn't stand) until I got better because he didn't like my attitude. We made up after this incident, but I still hold a grudge.
2003- present I eventually had to move out on my own because I couldn't deal with working two jobs and him making more that me with one and still not saving any money to get his car fixed and all the while putting wear and tear on my car, that he wasn't going to pay for. He made a bad business decision and lost this job and was living off of unemployment with no food in his apartment. I went over every other day to help him with what I could, sleeping on the floor at night (because he still didn't have any furniture)and buying him cheap groceries so he would have something to eat. (He complained that he didn't like the generic food that I was buying for him) Still I was trying to be a good girlfriend and told him to move in with me until he got back on his feet. He said no, that he had to do it on his own and he wanted everything to be right when we lived together again. Well a week later he had to move in because his electricity was cut off and in the South you can't live without a/c in the summertime. (Not to mention my brother had moved back home and was staying with me also) So here we are the three of us in a 1 bedroom apartment, my brother was payiing half the rent and utilites and buying groceries for us (me and him) and sleeping on the sofa while my boyfriend purchased a few groceries ($30 worth) and was sleeping in the bed with me became upset because my brother drunk all of the soda that he (my boyfriend) purchased. So that living arrangement end very quikly because I had to tell my boyfriend to get a better job because he couldn't lay up at my home while my brother and I worked all day, and I handed him the want ads. He became so upset that he went back to his apartment and dealt with the Texas heat. We made up from that and my brother eventually moved into his own place and my boyfriend moved back in. He knew how I felt about living together before marriage so he slept on the sofa and I in the bed. I took him to work everyday and came back home and took a nap, woke back up went to work then on my lunch break picked him up from his job and he waited with me until I got off from work. We did this everyday, needless to say I spent over $300 every month in gas, so now I have a gass card that is I owe over $800 on. My car broke down (Only 2 years old and I purchased it new) because of the wear and tear and it was going to cost over $3000 dollars to fix. My parents told me it wasn't worth it to pay the money to fix it so they gave me the money to put a down payment on a new car. Now I really feel bad because that money was supposed to go to my brother for his new car for his birtday which ironicly is the day I purchased my new car. (I am a horrible sister) My boyfriend told me that he felt I was using him to pay my rent and I was saving money on the side to get a new car. Which how can I possibly do that if I am buying groceries, paying a $200 a month gas card and paying cash for the gas I am putting in the car, plus trying to pay whatever little bills I had before he moved in. I told him I couldn't drive him around anymore and that he needed to move back in with relatives and save up for a car and maybe we could live together again, if he were talking about marraige. He accepted that, and was supposed to leave at the end of the month but we didn't make it that long. We argued about how he was jepordizing my job by going to certain web sites on the company computer, he didn't seem to care. He said that he would pay my car note and rent and whatever litte bills I had if I lost my job. I couldn't understand how he could be so uncaring of such a serious situation. I told him he needed to leave my home.
Don't get me wrong throughout the years there has been a sprinkle of kindness and good heartedness. I just keep telling myself everyone goes through some type of down fall in life, it just takes someone to help them get back up.

Wow!!! That was a lot to read, but I dont mind because we all need to vent honey!!
It sounds like you truly truly love this man but both of you can't see eye to eye with alot of things. I can say you even sound controlling through your posts!! Wanting him to move back in with you now after you are having financial hardships is cruel. Its also selfish to demand money back from him you let him have when he was going through some trouble. You both lived together, and although it was your house if you honestly were helping him out you woudln't be throwing "this is my house, get out!!" in his face everytime you got into an arguement. You have to know when to just shut up and walk away. I lived with my ex and he would say the same thing and it hurt. Because both of you are in love and making a life together in that house, doesn't matter who's name is on the deed. Im sure that hurt him over and over.
Donating his things to the goodwill if he doesn't contact you is even more cruel. Bringing up your relationship after Hurricane Rita was bad timing. There is a time and place for everything and once again it seemed selfish that you would worry about where you and him stand when he was concerned for his family. Someone who is in love with someone and shared a life with them for more than 2 years doesn't do stuff like this unless they are bitter & resentful for how they are feeling.
I say contact him one last time, because you know you want to. You have to stick to your guns though...if you have to write down what your going to say, do it. Tell him how much you love him and NEED him. Swallow your pride....you love this man alot, isn't he worth it? People can change when they really love someone and are committed to the change. Tell him that you do not expect to get back together right away, but you would hope you can both grow together as friends in the next month or so and then get back to where you both were - in love.
Is it really hurting you to have his stuff still in your apartment? I still have things at my ex's (and we have kids together) - he's not telling me to get all that stuff out of his house...we still love each other. Do not be so quick to get rid of your feelings, and his things. Its not going to happen like that. Face your fear of the possibility that it really is over and learn from it.
I hope this helps...
I am very glad you guys are ok from the hurricane. From what I read, it sounds like youve been through alot of whats called "life". What started as a secret relationship turned into you carpooling and roommating to save money. You had money, then he made more money,then he had no money then you felt used and he stayed out of necesity. The bickering over money and broke cars, and mooching mixed with a so-called relationship I guess doesn't work. You were roommates more than lovers? He needed you and then resented you for helping. I don't think you had an opportunity to really develope a bf/gf relationship??? I'm sorry you are hurting over this because I know you wanted it to work out. And maybe if he does get back on his feet and start taking care of himself, you guys could try just dating. I think when you were forced to live together, you kind of got mad at yourself for crossing the line of sleeping together before marraige or living together?? And when he went back to the couch, I think it's hard to go back, and feelings got hurt. It was human that you started resenting him for taking advantage. And you are not a bad sister. You tried to help him and save your relationship and help your b/f all while trying to hold your head above water. I think you want to boot the bad roommate not the b/f but you can't. I've heard men won't settle down until they've got themselves in a place that they can take care of wife comfortably, so no matter how much you help him, maybe he will never get passed it.
I do think you should just cut ties where they are right now but hoping for no hard feelings. Try not to show anger, pack up his things and be supportive that he get his own place and good luck with his job/life/ family stuff. And I wouldn't ask for money, just take it as a lesson learned and start digging. Heck, we are all digging out of some kind of debt our entire lives I believe.
I know you are going to be ok, and you are strong enough to get through this rough spot. And once you start building your own life back, then who knows? You deserve a loving boyfriend, not a roommate that you have to take care of. I don't think there is alot of fault or blame here because everything you tried just seemed like the right thing to do at the time, but living together and sharing expenses is alot to handle on top of just starting a relationship. So all that being said, I know you are lonely and lost, but this will pass. Try not to fall back into needing each other or texting I love you's, because it will just be harder to let go. And letting go right now doesn't have to be forever....
I wish you the best and I hope I helped?
Grace
hi there,
you spoke or asked about if you should call him and try to work things out in hopes that he will change.....i think that's the first problem...and please don't take offense to this...but, i think you also need to change, or lets say "fine tune", learn, and grow. i think you both need to. i think we all need to take responsiblity in every situation...it's never just the other person's doing, we all have a choice and i think it's always easy to point the finger and blame others(God, knows, i used to do that a lot),and a lot of times people don't look at themselves...which i believe is kind of sad because it's a missed opportunity for personal growth.
your boyfriend/ex does seem a little un-appreciative from what you are saying, and a little insensitive according to what you are saying....BUT, it just isn't right to throw things in peoples faces....that's one of my biggest pet peeves, and i've had it done to me a lot, and it hurts....if you are going to do something nice for someone....make sure of your intentions...if it really was done out of the goodness of your heart, there is no reason for you to throw it in their face, it really is uncalled for...and i do agree with the previous poster that bringing up your relationship during the hurricane/or right after was really bad timing and a little selfish on your behalf.
I have 2 things to advise you on......i hope you really think about it and take it to heart...i wish someone would have told me this before i broke up with my ex.....i know you two have already broke up, but if there is a chance of re-concilliation here's my advice.....please really take a step back and look at the relationship and really look at what you guys fight about, what is it that you get mad at, where/how have you contributed to all of this, and can it be worked through? If you are not ready to look at yourself and your boyfriend/ex is not willing to look at himself.....then i really don't think reconcilliation will be successfull, atleast not in the long run....you both need to take responsibility....sometimes in relationships we fight about really stupid/petty things...that at the time seem sooooooooooooooooooo important, and unfortunately it's not until we've lost someone(the person we love), that we realize how we took them for granted and how those petty arguments were a waste of time....i went through that, and regret will eat you up alive. That being said.....sometimes though, when two people need to learn and grow.....i think it has to be done seperately in order to maybe come together again one day...even if you don't get back together, personal growth sometimes can be stumped or put on hold when you don't do it alone, so i don't think neither you or your ex are "bad" people, but i do think the both of you have work to do on your "self", and maybe it will be best done apart...that's something you need to figure out.
2nd piece of advice...if you do decide to stay apart/broken up.......i think it's way too soon to be friends and have contact....that will only prolong your healing/letting go.
take care
PS: i don't think you should give his stuff to goodwill.....i know that it is difficult to have it around because i went through that too, but that's just not nice to do that.
Thank you for the advice.
I did have to step back and look at myself and see what was I doing wrong. I did call him and I left a short and polite message. I told him that I was just calling to see if his family was okay and that I was very sorry and selfish for bringing up our relationship during a stressful time and that he could still call me if he needed anything.
Yes it is hard for me to see his things in my home. Everytime I see his clothes I think in the back of my mind there is hope that he will be back. It is extremely hard to go home at night and not see him there. I am trying to take it one day at a time, I just feel like I am turning into a couch potatoe. I watch television all day long (even the shows I think are stupid) just to keep my mind off of him, I keep looking at my cell phone hoping I may have missed his call. When my office phone rings, my heart skips a beat in hopes that it is him. Why does it hurt so much? I know it is easy for him to just disconnect himself from his emotions and I guess that is making me even more sick. Thinking that he is out having fun not thinking of me and I am at home not sleeping dwelling over him and our relationship. The only thing I can do is wait now, and let him make the next move. Maybe absence does make the heart grow fonder, and if not maybe it just wasn't meant to be. I just don't understand how 5 years can be thrown away in 1 day. Again, why does it hurt so much?