emotional setbacks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
emotional setbacks
3
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 9:06am

it's been awhile since i've posted. i've been feeling good, very positive about myself and how my life is going. i've made some changes that i think are good for me and i'm returning to school this fall. i'm looking to move to a new apt and redecorate!

i thought i felt strong enough and the ex- texted me the other night saying he missed me and that i don't care about him. i didn't respond because i felt it was him trying to bait me and keep me hooked. instead, he called last night and we had a strange conversation.

he told me he was proud of me for doing things for myself and that he has been a walking zombie for the last 2 weeks and keeps thinking of me. i was thinking that it was the classic, i want you back conversation that was going to happen, but instead he said, i don't want to give you the wrong idea. he completely smashed the tiny little glimmer of hope i had been carrying in my heart for the last 2 months. he went on to say that he's sorry for telling me i was negative when he was just trying to divert me from my red flags and gut instinct telling me something was wrong and he was having an EA. instead, i let myself trust him instead of my instincts, which was wrong. i asked if he was happy and he said yes, but some days he thinks of me a lot. he can't see himself being in a long term relationship with the girl he left me for because they bicker and argue a lot. i don't know if this is true, because once a liar and an emotional cheater means he'll keep doing it.

i guess emotionally i'm still not ready to have any real contact with him, not even on the phone because it just disrupts all the positive changes that i've had. i can't even offer him friends because in reality, what friend does that to you? i can forgive him because he was too cowardly to face the truth, but i can't forget. it doesn't change the hurt that i have to heal.

i know that not all fairytales have happy endings and my ex-, who i thought was the one, is far from it. hindsight makes everything so crystal clear. deep down i still miss him, and will for quite some time. it's just he sends me so many mixed messages- the i miss you but i don't want to lead you on. it's just so confusing. i know he doesn't love me, but if he told me he did, i'd run in a heartbeat.

so back to no contact.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2007
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 11:42am
Hi ccheckers,
I didn't read your original message, I'm new to this site, but it looks to me as if you have been going through the same thing as me!
My ex has been giving me 'mixed messages' for the last year! We split up but then decided to live apart but 'be together', this seemed to work really well, but then he met someone new (complete surprise to me) and wanted us to stay friends. So, this we did, but then he took great delight in telling me all about her! He knew I was hurting badly, but because I 'retained my dignity' (as advised on this site) he seemed to think that he could do this! All the time, he kept telling me he loved me and always would, that he didn't love her. What I realised he was doing, in the end, was manipulating me so that he could keep his 'support system' going!
In the end, sod dignity, I found my anger and it was the best thing I did! I was then able to remove him from my life and move on. I am now with a wonderful guy.
Men who give you mixed messages are so insecure themselves, they want it all!
Keep going with NC.
Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 12:26pm

background: i'm 25, ex is 27. it's been 2 months since the split. he had an emotional affair with a coworker, hid it and now is in a physical relationship with her. he's not dealing with his own issues, in my opinion.

thanks for the support soozyxx. it's good to know that there are others out there that have experienced the same thing, even if we are complete strangers! : )

i think that's what he wants too, a support system, only he says he doesn't love me and he doesn't love her, yet. i've tried to get really mad, but it's not my nature. i've learned to forgive, but still, i'm working on getting over it and letting go. again, there are the nights when i really genuinely miss him, but i know it's just a dream.

i want to be friends some day, because obviously there has to be some good things that attracted me to him in the first place. but i know as long as he is with the other girl, i can't be. it's just platonic. i also get this feeling that he is lying about things, and i have to follow my instincts. maybe he does want it ALL, only someone who wants everything usually ends up with NOTHING!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 4:46pm
I just ended my "relationship" if I dare call it that. It was sad cause I had strong feelings for this person. I thought he felt that way for me too, but I finally realized he didn't. He's ex-wife keeps him very close and not in a good way either. She's very good at manipulating him and he obliges her, so I guess that situation was what he wanted instead of me.
He would string me along with the phone calls, how he missed me, how great I was, how he could be honest (ya right) with me about his feelings. You know all the good crap we think is true until the blinders come off. Of course he never seemed to have any time to be with me or hang out with me. Wasn't good at returning my phone calls either, managed to have lots of excuses as to why he didn't get my calls too.
I wanted to believe in him, trust him, and have all those wonderful feelings of love and caring. I let myself be human and this is what I got in return.
I know I did the right thing (he hasn't called me or emailed me) by ending it with him. By sticking up for myself and calling him out for stinging me along. I know he doesn't care, I know he can't see what I'm talking about, I know I won't hear from him again or even see him again either. But it doesn't make things any easier. I have started to hit that anger phase of the break up. It's hard.
Hang in there. Don't let him sting you along with words he knows you like to hear or want to hear. It's a form of manipulation on his part...
Like I've been told it will get easier as time goes by... again!