Emotionally Unavailable

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Emotionally Unavailable
11
Sun, 04-30-2006 - 10:37am

I always feel incredibly uncomfortable posting personal information/thoughts online, but two years when I was going through a breakup I got such great support off this site so here I am again... I honestly don't expect anyone to get through this whole post, as it is a novel, but at least it will let me get my thoughts out.

My boyfriend of just over a year broke up with me Thursday night, our anniversary was last Sunday. We were just having our normal conversation before we went to bed - he had just finished up his last presentation for his MBA that day and I was so proud of him. Things had not been so great lately, but I thought it was purely situational. We hadn't been able to spend much time together as we both have been incredibly busy with school, but now that the semester is wrapping up I thought things would get better.

For some idiotic reason I decided to ask him if he was still happy. His answer was that he didn't know. And the conversation just spiraled from there. Honestly, I was just looking for some reassurance and encouragement, I did not expect that question to end in a break up. We have talked for hours about it over the last few days, but I still am so upset. His reason is that he is just not happy with life in general right now. His father has cancer and the prognosis is not good, he doesn't know what to do with his life, and he doesn't feel that he can offer me the attention/support I need and deserve.

He told me he has been mentally checked-out for awhile now, and that it has absolutely nothing to do with me. He knows that he has not been very attentive and affectionate, and sees how it is affecting me, and does not want to put me through that. According to him, he is so confused about life right now that he does not feel it is right to keep me around and 'drag me down with him'. He feels he is at a point in his life where he has to be selfish and concentrate on his needs, and that he is not able to compromise as much as someone in a committed relationship should. And again, he thinks it is not fair of him to stay in this relationship when he can't make it his top priority.

He also thinks that at this point we want different things out of life. He does not know when, if ever, he will be ready for marriage and kids. I do want those things, but not as soon as he thinks I do. He even said that he is pretty sure he will eventually want those things too, it just may be 10 years down the line and he wouldn't want me to stick around and 'settle' for a stagnant relationship that is not moving forward as quickly as I want.

I just feel that we have been cheated out of time together. I have been so looking forward to this summer and finally being able to spend time together and the chance to see if things would get better. I can't stop regretting bringing the subject up, because I know if I said nothing we would still be together right now, and we would have had the chance to just be together this summer without the responsibilities of school getting in the way. And then if things were still not better after this summer, at least I would know that we had the time to fully devote to our relationship, and things still did not work out.

I guess I am just feeling really alone right now. My one really good friend that still lives in town is dating one of his good friends, so that automatically makes me uncomfortable. And she hasn't even called to see how I am doing. Most of his friends are couples, and I have become really close to the girls and I know that they were his friends to begin with so that leaves me with nothing. I have been really looking forward to seeing two of the couples get married this summer, and now I don't get to go. I also don't get to see him graduate with his MBA next week, and I am so upset. I feel I have been so supportive while he has been stressed out with school, and have been looking forward to celebrating his graduation with him, and now I don't have the chance.

I also have one of the most stressful weeks of my life coming up, and can't concentrate on anything else. This happened at the most inopportune time, but it is my own fault that I brought it up when I did. He understands what bad timing this was, but didn't want to have to lie to me about his feelings.

I feel very defeated. I feel let down, angry that the timing is not right, and sad that I no longer have the chance to show him daily how much I love him. He is such an amazing, intelligent, and caring person and has done nothing wrong so I can't hate him. I'm willing to stick with him through the hard times, to be put on the back burner while he works his own stuff out, but he feels it would not be fair to me and couldn't live with himself if he put me through that.

I have put so much into this relationship, have had so many hopes for the future, and all of the sudden I am left with nothing. It just doesn't feel right. We both still love each other, and I hate how love can't be enough. I am getting to the point that I have almost lost faith in relationships in general.

Thanks to anyone who made it this far, I know it is not that interesting to read about other people's problems. I'm not sure what kind of advice/support I am looking for, but at least I was able to get my thoughts on paper.




Edited 4/30/2006 11:00 am ET by cloudnin9

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-30-2006 - 12:03pm

cloudnin9...

Pianoguy is only guessing here, but it's entirely possible that your b/f has gotten COMPLETELY BURNED OUT? The events leading up to getting his MBA was probably the final straw that "broke the camels back?"

While it's pretty easy for me (and the other ivillagers reading this) to tell that you're upset your future has been placed 'ON-HOLD' indefinitely, NOTHING has been "cut in stone!" Your b/f indicated that he couldn't settle down with you at the present time.

So here's PG's question:

Do you think you can you be strong enough to let the man adjust to having his MBA while you deal with your own personal "stress issues" right now? If you think you can handle them better by creating a little space between you for 30 days or more...DO IT!

Who knows? By the end of the month, your entire relationship cycle MIGHT COMPLETELY REVERSE ITSELF?

Best wishes, warm thoughts and a few hugs...

Pianoguy

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-30-2006 - 12:21pm

Hi, I'm sorry to hear that!

For the short term, what you need to focus on is getting through your difficult week. Here's a link to the post on thought-stopping from the board website:

http://www.geocities.com/breakingupishard/advise.htm

It's kind of a stopgap measure...but you can't afford to really start the grieving process yet. When are your exams (or whatever) over? When you are tempted to spend more time than the allotted time thinking about him, stop yourself and say, "not now, I can think about this all I want on Sunday" (or whatever day is your first free day). It's not a perfect solution but it will help.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Sun, 04-30-2006 - 2:38pm

I'm sorry about the pain you're going through.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Sun, 04-30-2006 - 3:00pm

Thank you all for taking the time to respond.

Pianoguy, thanks for your input and a guy’s perspective. The warm wishes and hugs are appreciated right now. I agree that he is burned out, and I can absolutely give him time to adjust to having his MBA and job-searching. And it is such a nice thought that after a month of space between us the relationship might have completely reversed itself.

I just have very little hope that that will be the case. Since he said this has absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with his own problems/confusion, I asked him if he could promise that if/when he gets to the point to be in a relationship, or date, or even have female company again that he would give me a chance before anyone else. His answer was that if there was anything he thought he could change about himself right now to make our relationship work, he would – but that he couldn’t promise me that because he doesn’t want me to put my life on hold and have false hope for something that may not ever happen. He also said he is not ruling out the possibility of us being together again in the future, and that dating someone else is the farthest thing from his mind.

There is also the issue of his dad having cancer, and him not wanting anyone around were the worst to happen.

Sheri, thank you for the link to the thought-stopping website. I have four final exams, a presentation, and a huge event for my internship this week – and I have lost all motivation to put any energy into any of it. I just don’t care about that anymore. I wish I could try to mentally stop grieving until the week is over, but I don’t know how that will be possible. I will try to follow the advice you have posted.

I also know that no contact is best. I kept asking him ‘What do we do now?’ and he said he didn’t know. He doesn’t want to cut off all contact, and said we will talk this week sometime, but he also didn’t want to give me false hope. When I told him good luck with job searching, he replied with ‘It’s not like we’re not going to talk’. I’m just so confused…

Sandra, thanks for your encouraging words – it’s good to know that others understand what I’m going through. Good luck with everything with your guy. It’s just so hard in situations like this because they have done nothing wrong, and there is no reason to hate them. I hope everything works out for the best for both of us too.

(I think it’s time to just become a nun and be done with dating forever. It’s just too hard.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2006
Sun, 04-30-2006 - 7:55pm
This is my first time posting anything, but today I had a similar experience. I have been dating a guy for a few months who has some pretty horrific emotional baggage to begin with. Today he told me he didn't want to be a relationship right now- he has too many problems he has to take care of. I got the old "you deserve someone better than me" story, but it sure doesn't help any. I don't think he has another girlfriend or anything. It is just really hard when, like you said, they don't really do anything wrong. AND yes, we probably do deserve better, but what about them? Why can't they just let us be there and wait it out. If we think it's worth sticking around for why can't they? SOrry, I'm going to get on a major ramble, but like you... at least it is now in words... Any suggestions for getting over it??
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 12:42am

I absolutely HATE the 'you deserve better than me' line. Shouldn't it be up to me to decide out what I do/don't deserve? That goes right along there with 'you will make someone really happy one day'. Why can't they understand that it is THEM we want to make happy? (I am glad I didn't hear that second line this time around, because that would mean he can actually picture me with someone else).

I also get frustrated because I am willing to wait out the tough times and be put on the back burner while he works things out, but he won't let me. It's like he is trying to be so righteous. It sucks when you tell someone 'let me love you and be there for you' and they say it wouldn't be fair of them to do that because they can't offer much in return at this time and that makes them feel guilty.

I wish I was in a position to offer great advice about how to get over a breakup such as this where the guy has done nothing wrong, but I am searching for that advice myself. Read the thought-stopping post in the reply from northwestwanderer. I also know in my heart that no contact is best, but am still struggling with whether I am strong enough to do that or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-01-2006 - 2:31am

hello cgirl2006!

First...welcome to the board! You'll find plenty of terrific advice and suggestions from many of the ivillagers who visit.

Pianoguy would like to answer your question:

"Why can't they just let us be there and wait it out?"

Like all of God's creatures, some of us (and we're talking BOTH SEXES here) are blessed with patience...while others aren't! So 'sticking around' waiting for someone to "come into your life" isn't something everybody is willing (or wishes) to do!

I think the last thing most men want to do is give a woman the impression that something POSITIVE will come out of a relationship---if the desire on his side is waning or if it's completely missing? So trying to get the point across without upsetting you can be A MAJOR TASK!

After reading thousands of posts (on various boards) for more than 5 years, I've discovered a lot of women want to know 'where they stand' in a relationship. They're very curious about how serious a man is about them. Unfortunately, they often don't want to believe what we say...especially if our words or feelings toward them are NEGATIVE!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 1:14pm

hi cloudnin9

i feel sorry for what happen...but dont worry things will be better..just have faith!!!
i'm assuming thats why he broke up with you bcoz he thought thats why you open up things with him coz you about to break up with him...so what he did he made the first move...atleast he wont look like a loser right. guys are like that they dont want us to break with them instead they want to do it...CRAZY RIGHT?

BUT STOP BLAMMING YOURSELF YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING...YOU JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE YOU STAND IN THAT RELATIONSHIP..OF COURSE YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW THAT!

LIKE YOU MENTION ITS SEEMS THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS NOT GETTING BETTER...WELL YOU DONT WANT TO GET STOCK IN THAT RELATIONSHIP...JUST TO HAVE SOMEONE WITH YOU RIGHT? YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE HAPPY AND IF YOU LIMIT YOUR SELF WITH THIS GUY. YOU WILL NEVER FIND THE REAL HAPPINESS IN LIFE.

BESIDE LIKE YOU MENTION YOU PUT UP TOO MANY THINGS IN THIS RELATIONSHIP...SO I DONT THINK ONE OF THIS DAY HE WONT REALIZE THAT....GIVE HIM TIME TO THINK. LET HIM REALIZE WHAT HE DID. NEVER CALL HIM FOR HIM TO KNOW YOUR VALUE. COZ IF YOU STILL BE AROUND CALLING HIM. YOU JUST GONNA MAKE THE SITUATION MORE WORST AND SCARED HIM AWAY MORE.

FOR RIGHT NOW STOP BLAMMING YOURSELF. STAY POSITIVE!! IF YOU CAN STOP CONTACTING HIS FRIENDS TOO. SO ATLEAST HE WILL THINK THAT YOU DONT CARE ANYMORE. SO HE WILL RUN AFTER YOU BEFORE IS TOO LATE THAT YOU FIND SOMEONE ELSE.

GOOD LUCK!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 9:02pm

I look at these boards often, but I'm typing all day at work so don't post too many replies. I felt compelled to respond to yours however, because it reminded me so much of my break up. My ex said the exact same things to me, so I understand how confusing, frustrating and painful it can be.

First, I wanted to say please please please don't bomb your finals. Think of how you will feel a year from now. You will be back with your ex or you will have completely moved on, but either way you will be totally ticked at yourself for sacrificing your grades. I know it's really hard to focus on anything else, but try to use studying as an escape if possible. I know your hearts not in it, but throw yourself into it anyway. You'll be so glad you did later.

That being said, it sounds like the best thing you can do right now is to completely give him space. Let him feel life without you. It sucks because he's obviously been thinking about this for a while, but it feels really sudden for you, so I'm sure that you have a lot of questions. But for now, you have to do your best to let that go. This is a very chaotic time for him. He's wrapped up school and his father is ill. (Strangely enough, I went through a tough time with my Dad and cancer a few months ago, and I know that it does weird things to you and the way you think) The point is, he may just be trying to digest and sort through these major life changes/obstacles and he may feel the best way for him to get through it is alone. He's probably being honest when he says that he just can't be there for you the way that he should and doesn't know what he wants. He probably feels guilty about this, which just adds to his stress. He may even be doing what he thinks is most fair to you in the long run. I know that it certainly doesn't feel fair though...

It's super tough, but I agree with the other posters to let go and focus on yourself for now. I know it's hard. Sorry you're going through this, and good luck on your tests.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 11:24pm
Thank you so much for responding. I have been having a rough night tonight trying to study for my finals, and really needed some words of encouragement.

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