Emotionally Unavailable

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Emotionally Unavailable
11
Sun, 04-30-2006 - 10:37am

I always feel incredibly uncomfortable posting personal information/thoughts online, but two years when I was going through a breakup I got such great support off this site so here I am again... I honestly don't expect anyone to get through this whole post, as it is a novel, but at least it will let me get my thoughts out.

My boyfriend of just over a year broke up with me Thursday night, our anniversary was last Sunday. We were just having our normal conversation before we went to bed - he had just finished up his last presentation for his MBA that day and I was so proud of him. Things had not been so great lately, but I thought it was purely situational. We hadn't been able to spend much time together as we both have been incredibly busy with school, but now that the semester is wrapping up I thought things would get better.

For some idiotic reason I decided to ask him if he was still happy. His answer was that he didn't know. And the conversation just spiraled from there. Honestly, I was just looking for some reassurance and encouragement, I did not expect that question to end in a break up. We have talked for hours about it over the last few days, but I still am so upset. His reason is that he is just not happy with life in general right now. His father has cancer and the prognosis is not good, he doesn't know what to do with his life, and he doesn't feel that he can offer me the attention/support I need and deserve.

He told me he has been mentally checked-out for awhile now, and that it has absolutely nothing to do with me. He knows that he has not been very attentive and affectionate, and sees how it is affecting me, and does not want to put me through that. According to him, he is so confused about life right now that he does not feel it is right to keep me around and 'drag me down with him'. He feels he is at a point in his life where he has to be selfish and concentrate on his needs, and that he is not able to compromise as much as someone in a committed relationship should. And again, he thinks it is not fair of him to stay in this relationship when he can't make it his top priority.

He also thinks that at this point we want different things out of life. He does not know when, if ever, he will be ready for marriage and kids. I do want those things, but not as soon as he thinks I do. He even said that he is pretty sure he will eventually want those things too, it just may be 10 years down the line and he wouldn't want me to stick around and 'settle' for a stagnant relationship that is not moving forward as quickly as I want.

I just feel that we have been cheated out of time together. I have been so looking forward to this summer and finally being able to spend time together and the chance to see if things would get better. I can't stop regretting bringing the subject up, because I know if I said nothing we would still be together right now, and we would have had the chance to just be together this summer without the responsibilities of school getting in the way. And then if things were still not better after this summer, at least I would know that we had the time to fully devote to our relationship, and things still did not work out.

I guess I am just feeling really alone right now. My one really good friend that still lives in town is dating one of his good friends, so that automatically makes me uncomfortable. And she hasn't even called to see how I am doing. Most of his friends are couples, and I have become really close to the girls and I know that they were his friends to begin with so that leaves me with nothing. I have been really looking forward to seeing two of the couples get married this summer, and now I don't get to go. I also don't get to see him graduate with his MBA next week, and I am so upset. I feel I have been so supportive while he has been stressed out with school, and have been looking forward to celebrating his graduation with him, and now I don't have the chance.

I also have one of the most stressful weeks of my life coming up, and can't concentrate on anything else. This happened at the most inopportune time, but it is my own fault that I brought it up when I did. He understands what bad timing this was, but didn't want to have to lie to me about his feelings.

I feel very defeated. I feel let down, angry that the timing is not right, and sad that I no longer have the chance to show him daily how much I love him. He is such an amazing, intelligent, and caring person and has done nothing wrong so I can't hate him. I'm willing to stick with him through the hard times, to be put on the back burner while he works his own stuff out, but he feels it would not be fair to me and couldn't live with himself if he put me through that.

I have put so much into this relationship, have had so many hopes for the future, and all of the sudden I am left with nothing. It just doesn't feel right. We both still love each other, and I hate how love can't be enough. I am getting to the point that I have almost lost faith in relationships in general.

Thanks to anyone who made it this far, I know it is not that interesting to read about other people's problems. I'm not sure what kind of advice/support I am looking for, but at least I was able to get my thoughts on paper.




Edited 4/30/2006 11:00 am ET by cloudnin9

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2006
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 11:08am

Wow...

This is VERY similar to the situation that I'm going through right now, right down to the fact that he has recently become aware that his dad has terminal cancer...but he has so many other problems that he needs to deal with, and for some reason, he feels that he should be "free" to live his life/deal with his problems accordingly.

I was just wondering how you dealt with this situation. So far, I think I've been handling it well. I caved in once and talked to him on MSN briefly, but after that, I didn't contact him at all. I do email his mom, however, but our conversations are strictly with each other.

Secretly, deep down, I'm hoping, wishing, and praying that he'll come back when he realizes how much he misses me. But for some reason, I have a bigger understanding that he won't come back (we had a 3 year relationship, but 2 of them were long-distance), as he's quite stubborn and once he's set his mind on something, he'll do it.

If he did come back, though, I would have to do something like move to where he is to be closer to him, or something like that. But that's a big "if"

It's just so hard to deal with, esp. since all of your friends are with someone, and you're the lone fox, the third wheel...*sigh*

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