Emotionally very hard & confused to move

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Emotionally very hard & confused to move
18
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 7:45pm

I love my fiance (x) so much and the thought of not being with him for the rest of my life is so heartbreaking to me. I know he is controlling and in my head I would tell my friends not to be in the same situation (he checks my cell phone constantly, email, gets mad at me for my nonverbal cues, doesn't trust), but gosh it just hurts so much.

He wants to get back with me and go through therapy (we went to about 10 sessions) and work on each other hard, but I have moved back in and out to a point that it is a bad habit pattern when we get ticked off at one and other. We have so much resentment towards one other built up over the past year, that it just seems we can't get past any of it. He wants to give it a try one more time, but I don't know if I should for I know it is not healthy, but yet my heart hurts so much...any advice would be appreciated and thanks for your time!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 8:38pm

I'm so sorry you're going through this at this time of the year. However you may want to listen to your head on this one--he has serious trust issues and I beleive if there is no trust between two people then there really isn't anything.

He needs to continue in therapy, but there is something else you said that troubles me and that is there is so much resentment between the two of you. If that is the case then I can't see you moving forward. I think what is best is if you take a break from each other--at least three months--to get over the anger and resentment.

If it's meant to be, it will be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 8:52am
I would listen to your head on this one.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 1:15pm

I have tried to wipe the slate clean in the past couple months, ie, I am always wanting to move forward while the X always wants to analyze the past and process through it.

He resents me fo the fact that we moved here and I was not as happy as I should have been (my nonverbal cues disappointed him). I can admit that it was hard and things were upseting to me as I delt with an unplanned pregnancy that ended in a miscarrage, job difficulties, lost money in my condo. He at first resented that would not go out and party hard until 4am, that I was not more outdoorsy in zero degree. I resented him that he kept pushing the wedding date back for fear of his commitment level---original date was april then may then june then august then 2007---we would make destination wedding plans and he continually pushed it back because he was scared as he was married before and it did not work out five years ago. Then when I moved out at end of August, things did get nasty and I was scared the day I left as he was screaming at me and banging on my car not to go (when reality actually set in, he could not believe that I would actually leave as I was not from here) so I put a restraining order on him (the day before I found a tape recorder/tracking device in my car that he had put in there which scared me) which I dropped a week later as I could admit at the time I was completely freaked out, but I don't think he would physical harm me. When we have gotton into arguements the past month he brings it as ammo to basically tell me how horrible of a person I am.

Then he will call a couple hours later and we make up. He says done, over this time you spoiled bitchy brat (prabaly about 20 times in the past year), now since August, I don't think twice to leave and go to my apartment as now I have somewhere to go. We appologize to each other. This is how its been. We are now in therapy the past month, but still have the same old fights. Like I said, I love him so much and hate to see him hurting when he is begging for me to come over and I say no. He says he loves me and we will get through this as he states the therapist says that when he says done, over, yelling at me I should not actually take that as him wanting it to be done rather a dirty old habbit pattern and let him cool down---but do I really deserve to be talked to like this? & wait for him to forgive me completely for putting the order on him when at the time I was scared?

Again, thank you to everyone for allowing me to vend, help me and respond to my emails.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 2:51pm

Go buy yourself a Christmas present:

In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing With Manipulative People by George K. Simon

If the theaphist doesn't have experience with manipulative people and abusive people, your guy will be able to manipulate the situation to his advantage.

These things:

- he was screaming at me and banging on my car not to go (VERBAL ABUSE and VIOLENT)

- I found a tape recorder/tracking device in my car that he had put in there (CONTROLLING)

- When we have gotton into arguements the past month he brings it as ammo to basically tell me how horrible of a person I am. (EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION)

- He says done, over this time you spoiled bitchy brat (prabaly about 20 times in the past year), (VERBAL ABUSE)

- he states the therapist says that when he says done, over, yelling at me I should not actually take that as him wanting it to be done rather a dirty old habbit pattern and let him cool down---but do I really deserve to be talked to like this?

Nope, you don't deserve any of this. This is not 'just' a dirty habit, this is a manipulative behavior that has worked for him. It's just a habit, so over look it, instead of him taking responsibility for his own bad behavior, he's shifting the blame.

You are a horrible person for getting restraining order after what he did? NOT. How about he's a horrible person for putting the device on your car in the first place and scaring the hell out of you. - This is what manipulators do, shift blame. Now you are the one on the defense. You are the one saying you are sorry for something HE did.

Only you can set yourself free. I hope you take the opportunity to do so.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 9:50pm

Okay the first time a guy called me a "bitchy spoiled brat" would be the last thing he ever said to me.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 10:18pm

Everyone—thank you so much for your help---these boards have helped me tremendously and gotten me through this time of year. I have been keeping all this bottled up inside of me for the past year and it feels good to get it off my chest and hear from others that this is manipulative behavior. You are right, I am like a puppet on his string. People look at me though, and think that I have everything living with this guy five caret diamond engagement ring, huge house on a golf course, and other material items---people think that my X is the nicest guy in the world and have no idea the screaming matches that go on inside the home as my X strongly advises that I talk to no one about our problems except the therapist.

I too, thought it was me for the past year and I have tried to change pretty much everything about myself (my friends and family back home in Chicago say that they don’t really even know who I am anymore). My X knows I have a guilty conscious and always try to please everyone and now I am realizing that he is completely playing off of that through these posts. I saw him the other night and I would not accept the Christmas gift he bought me, though it was so hard as I saw my puppies and wanted to be with them on Christmas. He has left me ten tearful VM’s in the past two days hoping that I come over to spend Christmas with his family, I have stood my ground, but it is so hard.

The therapist said this would be a good 6-9 months of solid hard work. She advised that we only talk about certain hotopics with her to keep the fighting at a minimum, but I don’t think that I am willing to put in 6-9 months? To hopefully get this figured out between me and him. I am really seeing the light from all the help and support that I am recieveing from these and thank you all so much!

I will go and by myself that book---between these posts and the self-help section in the book store has gotton me through this month.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 7:05am
Good for you.

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 1:35pm

Thanks! I have read codependcy no more the past month and definitely reflecting in it. I am getting therapy for me starting last week and it has helped as well, these boards are great because when I think I am going to go see I pull up these boards and read which helps a lot that it is right there everyday.

He says he wants to genuinely change, but so much has happened that I just don’t know nor want to put in that much time. He has sent lots of flowers and songs over my vm claiming how much he loves me, but I do definitely feel as you mentioned that he makes a huge effort to keep me when he does not have me. Then when I go back to him it seems he ignores me and I think I have had enough.

I feel that I can never do anything quite right---even if I set the table he rearranges, he picks a small strand off my blouse, he immediately wants to pop zits when they appear on my face (which I can’t stand), he tells me that it does not look like I cleaned the house at all when I just cleaned it. He wants me to make dinner for him, then I wait for 20mins and then he complains that is cold because I am always waiting. He constantly pushes alcohol on me so I loosen and have more fun after midnight (which I really don’t like to drink).

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 3:15pm

Enjoy the book. Seeing your own counselor is a good idea because it doesn't sound like the one you are seeing with him understand the depth of the manipulation you have received from him.

His behavior - verbally abusive, hurts you emotionally, then some remorse, hence the flowers, tearful calls to me sound like the cycle of abuse, add that to 'isolating' you from any support system you may have by not allowing you to speak to anyone outside of the counselor. Forbid anyone should know the real him. And controlling - you make dinner, he makes you wait, then it's cold, then he's mad at you. He still takes no responsibility for his contribution and pushing alcohol on you, another form of control and abuse.

If you need to read more about this - checkout the domestic abuse support board here at iVillage.

I'm glad you found this site and hope it continues to give you strength.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2006
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 3:37pm
Happy Holidays to You-
Just wanted to reach out and give you support...You are not alone! I just went through a similar situation, I can relate to the verbal abuse,the controlling behavior,the isolation, the feeling that I couldnt do anything that was "good enough". I had strong suspicions he was lying to me and any time I would question him, he would somehow turn it around and blame me for not trusting him... I moved 800 miles, away from my home, friends and family to be with my ex. I pulled away from them and they recognized it...but I'm 30 and they couldnt stop me- it was my decision. I changed myself to accomodate him.
I didnt start on the Ivillage boards until after I left him, but thank goodness I had my sisters and a close friend to confide in. They gave me the "reality check" I needed when I just couldn't see through the manipulation. I really thought that if I just "hoped" things would get better, they would. That I needed to change more to accomodate him- WRONG.
We were still living together when I told him I was leaving him,- for a week he barraged me with letters, poems, songs and pleaded with me to stay, asking me if there was anything he could do or say to keep me from leaving..that he would change. It was incredibly difficult to go through all of that. But I just had to listen to my gut and rely on my friends when I started to question my decision to leave(when my feelings took over my emotions).
That is so wonderful that you're taking care of yourself and going to therapy. Honor and respect yourself- know that you do NOT have to put up with what you've endured any longer.
It is all incredibly emotionally hard... But you are on the right road to handling this and beginning to heal yourself. You can do it! And hopefully things are becoming more clear and the cloud of confusion is lifting a bit. Have HOPE that someday everything will be clear and you'll see rays of sunshine...
Take care

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