Emotionally very hard & confused to move

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Emotionally very hard & confused to move
18
Sat, 12-23-2006 - 7:45pm

I love my fiance (x) so much and the thought of not being with him for the rest of my life is so heartbreaking to me. I know he is controlling and in my head I would tell my friends not to be in the same situation (he checks my cell phone constantly, email, gets mad at me for my nonverbal cues, doesn't trust), but gosh it just hurts so much.

He wants to get back with me and go through therapy (we went to about 10 sessions) and work on each other hard, but I have moved back in and out to a point that it is a bad habit pattern when we get ticked off at one and other. We have so much resentment towards one other built up over the past year, that it just seems we can't get past any of it. He wants to give it a try one more time, but I don't know if I should for I know it is not healthy, but yet my heart hurts so much...any advice would be appreciated and thanks for your time!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 11:35am

Thanks for your response. That is exactly how I feel right now and I keep second guessing my decision. In the past week, he has sent flowers, cards, emails, songs, leaves vm’s of the dogs(which is the one that gets me the most), and tells me how much he loves me and that relationships are work and that we have not had ample time to practice what the therapist has suggested. He says he wants us to change and be better, thoughts???

I told him that I won’t be a verbal whipping post everytime he doesn’t like a nonverbal cue from me. He tells me that he is sorry and that only happened over the last three weeks because it was his way of processing the hurt feelings (he is hurt that I went out on dates in October when we were broken up, and I don’t feel that is something that I need to be forgiven for that).

Things I know that are wrong: He went through my planner and is hurt by the number of places I went for dinner when broken up, goes through my purse and found a business card from someone, checks my phone constantly (though he said he would stop that), checks my email, wants to know where I am at all times. Things I know in the past that are very very wrong: tape recorder in my car, breaking into my cell phone vm and emails a year and a half ago, putting a PI on me, screaming at me/calling me names, saying the relationship is over when he never actually means it; all of which he is very sorry for and says it won’t happen again, but I think I need to keep holding my ground….???

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2006
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 1:13pm

You hit the nail right on the head- He knows how to "get to you"...how to appeal to your emotions through MANIPULATIVE BEHAVIOR. You are obviously very VULNERABLE right now and he knows that and is trying to use that to get you to once again, to agree to "try again".

You listed all those incidents where he demonstrated the type of person he is- violations of your privacy, disrespect, control,manipulation and verbal/emotional abuse.
You gave yourself a REALITY CHECK by writing all that down. Listen to your head.
He will feed you all you want to HEAR (and he will, my ex did,I've heard it all) but its his ACTIONS that you must pay attention to.

And you are now... It's NOT ok for him to treat you the way that he has.

You must stand your ground. Be strong. Listen to that gut. Be your own best friend. Keep going to therapy for yourself. Read those books. Confide in friends and family. Keep writing on the board.

Please take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 1:32pm

Girlfriend my so called relationship and your boyfreinds sounds like mine.
this sounds just like me. Just posted my story. We need the stay strong and get these peices of Sh-T out of our lives permently, we deserve better what is our self-worth and self-esteem so little? We know what we need to do, we just need to do it.

Get this book it is helping me' It a break-up because it is broken.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 1:30pm

I am very vulnerable right now---he keeps sending emails, texts, and vm's with the dogs(my real teardreaker). He says that he knows what he did was wrong, yet feels justified because he likes to say well I had a feeling you were out on a date (when we were broken up) and I just wanted to know the truth. I don't think that is justification for breaking into someone's vm, going through their purse, going through their car, etc.; he has appologized for all this and said it is wrong, yet he still feels justified. He is begging me to go to couple's counseling with him because he believes we are/were great together.

These boards do help and give me something to look forward too everyday now since I don't have my dogs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 2:06pm

I am with everyone else - stand your ground! You do not need this in your life. I can empathize about the dogs as I lost 2 in a breakup and that was almost harder than leaving the guy. Can you block him from your cell and email? That way you won't have to listen to the messages. And if you can't, just delete them when you get them. You can do this and you can realize the happiness you deserve. I agree with the "It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken" book. It has helped me tremendously. Most of my friends don't understand what I saw in my ex as he was a complete jerk and offered me nothing so it's nice to have other resources - therapist, books and this board - to get you thru.

Stay strong!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 8:20pm
My family and friends don't understand what I did see in my X at all. I can't lie though, I do miss him a ton though long-term I really can't see myself with him at all. Short-term, present, I want nothing more than to be with him, but I pretty much know that it will be good for a couple weeks and then bad again. He is going to therapy for himself now because he says that he wants to get better, yet he wants me to go with him to couples counseling so we can work together---it is hard, because there is a part of me that thinks that he can change; yet I don't know for how for. We have definately had our good times and definately bad ones too; I guess right now I am not willing to trust that he can/will entirely change as he is 35 and pretty set in his ways.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 1:11pm

I remember clearly after moving to Portland, things got ugly very quickly and he was really not there much for me as I had an unexpected pregnancy that led to a miscarrage coupled to my job not being every that I expected it to be. Then I finally had another buyer for my condo in Chicago in December(the offer was much lower than one I recieved in August that my fiance told me not to accept because it was not high enough in Aug) with a much lower offer than Aug, but wanted to take it as I was not liking to have to pay for 1.5 mortgages. It was not an easy transition at all as my fiance began to travel much more too and I was feeling lousy about the miscarrage. He told me not to tell anyone about the miscarrage which I didn't until July; this basically made me completely issolated from my friends/family as everyone would tell me that I sounded so sad and no one understood why as it looked like I had everything. We started going to couples counseling six months ago on and off (he was more of the push). We began fighting non-stop again in August until I decieded to move out. My fiance was shocked and that last week in August was very nasty---I found a tape recorded in my car, threats of a PI on me from him, him screaming at me/then begging me to stay and now he realizes how much he loved me---I still was strong and left a week earlier than planned as he punched the wall one morning/kicked the doors outside and trying to grab me as I ran into my car.

There has been a lot of going and back and forth a few times between wooing me with letters/flowers/songs/etc.; but I still have my apartment today. He does unfortunately still have my heart and it is soooo hard to get over him. I put a restraining order on him that day in August when I left because I was scared as I remember the scarey phone conversation we had in January 2005 (first time he broke into my vm) coupled to finding a tape recorder, PI---him going through emails, purse, etc. I dropped the restraining order, however, the city still believes that it is a criminal charge and now he has to go to court in february (he has a misdomeaner from 20 years ago coupled to a horrible driving record). He told me that he admits to what he did was wrong and that he loves me and wants to change. He admits that he did scare me, but does not feel it is a criminal charge and wants me to appear in court and say that? He appologized for everything that he did wrong and now says that he wants to change for him and hopes that I will go back to him. He keeps saying to me/begging, Don't let the attorneys or my family tear us apart---that he loves me and will make whatever changes I need.

I know that what he says fades as soon as I go back and seen it happen. I know he is abusive and that his violations of my privacy, his screaming threats, his punching doors, walls, etc. I know these things, yet when I hear him, I question me and feel guilty. My sane, rational side knows this is wrong and unhealthy. My sane rational side knows his words are only words, but my emotional side feels doubt, though I am trying hard to get past it and doing my best not pick up my phone from him (even though he now calls in restriction, which my folks have a privacy line so I just call them back now after they leave a vm as they know what is going on)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 2:58pm
Sounds to me you are in an abusive cycle that you just can't break by yourself. Please consider posting on the Domestic Abuse board - the emotional abuse he's done, the manipulation, and the honeymoon stage (sorrys, flowers, etc) and now wanting you to appear in court. I fear for you.


Carrie

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