ended r'ship, & what has been helping me

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2005
ended r'ship, & what has been helping me
4
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 2:09pm
"After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. And you learn that loving doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security; and you begin to learn kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child; and you learn to build all of your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much, so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers, and you learn that you really can endure...you really are strong, and you really do have worth."
That saying helps me keep perspective, read on:
The past couple months were good and bad with my ex. We are both good people, and could never be mean. We were together about 2 years, and after the 1st 6 months I realized he was the one for me... or so I thought. About 6 months ago, I started having that gut feeling that something wasn't right.
At 24, this was my first real relationship. For some reason, I thought my relationship with my perfect guy would always be just that, perfect. With the birds and the angels singing toghether in harmony. Boy did I ever learn quickly. When things weren't perfect, I figured it just wasn't meant to be, and so I searched for a reason to end it.
As soon as I voiced these concerns, I believe that's when things all went downhill. We really started taking each other for granted, and looking back, I was stubborn and focused on all the wrong things. I am mad about that, but all I can do it learn, right? Right. Great, becuase that does nothing for that darn pain in my chest that is all to familiar lately.
We tried to work things out, worked through some things, read books, really tried. Decided it just wasn't working and ended it. Deep down I figured, sure, we'll get back together. I've just recently come to terms with the fact that we are not getting back together. Not only was I in love with him, but I was in love with his life, and his family, the way I was with him.
Now that I have realized all this I've learned that it's too late. I saw him last night and said that I think we made a mistake, and I still see him in my future and want to try again. He said he did not, and did not want to try. He's done, and he can't do that to himself anymore. Ouch. Oddly enough, just what I needed to hear.
I collect quotes and good sayings, and I read them when things are tough. Just to help maintain some perspective. This next one is one that my mom always tells me:
Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer.
Hopefully these saying will help you too. I just try to remember that all these feelings are valid, and I need to let myself feel them, and that's OK. I just spent my lunch hour at home with my dog, bawling my already cried-out eyes out, just crying and hurting, and feeling that. Validating it and accepting it. Is it easier now? Not sure, but it sure helped for a while. I spared a lot of details above. The bottom line is that us not being together makes absolutely no sense now, so in the mean time I have to put my faith in that there is a reason, I just may not know it for a while.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2005
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 2:13pm
One more short saying from a very insightful friend who has been through so much:
i've been close to this before... the unknown and the what ifs and the whens.... this time it is so much more than before... but i have learned that i am strong... or at least that i would like to be.... and this is just another task to check off the list... in the past i've learned a lot... i'm not sure what the lesson is this time... but there will be one... there has to be one...otherwise there is no reason to go through such a thing...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 4:13pm

Wow, you've got an amazing outlook and you have such a mature grasp on your situation and feelings! I'm sorry that you too are going thru a breakup, but thankyou so much for sharing your quotes! Your spiritual insights are beautiful, hugs to you and your healing!

Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 7:50pm
very well said. bravo
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 2:48am

Thank you so much for posting this. I too have gone through a breakup about 2 months ago after over a year of being together. It was very sudden and no real/good reasons for the breakup. We didn't talk at all for almost 2 months, and then randomly saw each other out one night. Ended up spending the rest of the night and next day hanging out, catching up, and having lots of fun, but I knew we weren't getting back together - he still seemed reserved/scared. So basically, I've been spending the last couple of days trying to figure out answers to the many questions I have - why? why? why? since we obviously still have feelings and a connection.

So when you wrote "Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer. " it really struck a bell. I know that by trying to continually find answers that I will never know, I am just wasting time. I should just grow and learn.

THANKS AGAIN!!