Ending All Relationships

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Ending All Relationships
4
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 11:51am
Hi all. I'm the one that got out of an 8-year relationship with my ex because his feelings changed and he no longer saw me in his future. It's been over a month and I'm healing a little everyday but we have no contact and I'm sure we won't ever speak again (it was a very bad breakup). He even said he knows we'll never be friends again.

What bothers me though is that in 8 years time, I really grew fond of his family, his aunts, uncles, cousins as I spent many holidays and a vacation with them and now I'll never see them again. They were like the family I wish I had. His step-mother and brothers and sisters, I've known these people for years, they all liked me and I'm going to miss them. At the last occasion with them (Labor Day cookout), a few of his cousins were inquiring about when we were getting married and I finally started to feel accepted by other relatives as family. I just think it sucks that I've lost all those relationships too.

Can anyone relate?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2004
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 12:16pm
Hey cl214- I can TOTALLY relate. My ex and I were "together" off and on for over four years. We have a child together and finally this summer, I thought we were turning a corner. Then, bam, out of nowhere, he tells me he is "talking" to someone else, and two weeks later, they were b/f and g/f. Anyways, obviously, since we have a child, I need to stay in contact with him, but his family and I are a little strained. I too had a wonderful Labor Day weekend with them and then it was only a week or so later that this happened. Not only his family, but our friends. He has become friends with my friends through the years and now it is a big tangled mess. It is probably the hardest part of everything. I miss "us" being together and the thought of him bringing her around everyone makes me sick!! I know it sucks, but I am just trying to get through it day by day, hour by hour and sometimes even minute by minute. Hold on and be strong!!! Good Luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2004
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 8:53am
I totally understand. I came out of a 7 year relationiship a year ago and I still miss his family and friends, even his mad aunty and his dog. I miss the conversations, the family dramas and the fact that they treated me like a member of the family. It is a terrible side effect of breaking up with someone with whom you are so intertwined with. It will get easier in time but like anything it will take time to get over. It has been a year since my breakup and at halloween I found a box of old costumes that he and his family had worn at a party last year, and my heart nearly stopped. The feelings, the memories of great, happy times and the emotions all came flooding back and I cried. I still feel down in the dumps about it this week, but I know that one day I will get over it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 9:50am
I've been where you are....but next time, don't stay with a guy 8 years that doesn't meet your needs or share your standards...just becuase "you didn't have a family prior to meeting him".

You don't necessarily HAVE to lose those relationships.....but you'll have to step back for awhile, objectively evaluate them.

It's possible to retain a friendship with any of them....if what you and that person had was a genuine admiration, respect, acceptance of one another as individuals. That what was there wasn't predicated on "you're his girlfriend, so we utilize you like we do the rest of the family members".

But....stand back objectively and assess....if you retain these friendships - they will change. You're not "his" anymore....and if you develop and further relationships with them as individuals it'll because becuase of mutual respect and admiration of each of your individuality.

That IS perhaps going to, at some point, cause you some heartache or at least a twinge. It'd be one thing if you'd develop a friendship with them on a personal level and when your Mr. Right proposes - you make a special dinner party and invite these people along with others - to 'celebrate" your happiness. That's you - are you comfortable introducing them because you are friends WITH THEM to the special man in your life, having them attend your wedding, etc.

And if you are....realize that they're likely to call you excitedly or disappointedly too - when he proposes to someone and let you know about it. And it'd be very possible that if you did share holiday or special times with them - you could easily be without a date and there...when he shows up with his special someone in tow. If that would make you anything but glad he found someone....you're not ready for this yet.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2004
Thu, 11-04-2004 - 2:05pm
Oh sure, I can. In every relationship you take so many risks. One of them is forming ties with your partner's family and friends. It's awful when you end up not only losing your partner, but several people you love too.

Don't come to any conclusions today. Give it time and see if anyone reaches out to you to stay friends. Don't avoid those people, but don't run to them for support quite yet either. It's awkward but workable.

Good luck