ending bad patterns...
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| Thu, 04-07-2005 - 1:57pm |
So I saw the ex for the first time since the breakup this past weekend. We've been in occasional contact for a few weeks to try to be friends. We were supposed to go hiking on Sunday, but it was raining so instead I just invited him over for dinner. The therapist that I'm seeing now, for reasons mostly unrelated to the breakup (eating disorder), thought it might not be a bad idea to see him--granted he suggested an hour max of contact in a public place--so I did. Long story short, it didn't go well. It started out just fine, normal chit chat about what's going on in our lives, joking around blah blah...then it just disintigrated. Somehow we got into another "about our relationship and feelings" talk and we both just ended up sobbing messes. Oh, and I threw myself at him. I didn't want to sleep with him (really!)I just wanted him to stay...because I couldn't think and just acted on what I thought would make me feel better. But nothing happened. We cried a lot, it was terribly emotionally intense, reiterated a lot of the reasons why we broke up and he went home.
And, I have to say, a lot of this was prompted by me--the one who was saying how much she DIDN'T want or need to get into another one of "those" talks. Why? Because I STILL haven't learned how NOT to act on my feelings. I've learned to stop trying to suppress them or pretend they're not there or compartmentalize them, but not accept them and pay attention to the facts of the situation instead of simply acting on my feelings.
What's interesting is that when I'm not physically around this guy I can think through everything...I think beyond the short-term, I don't "want" or "need" to keep having the same discussion over and over again, I understand that what I'm feeling is okay to feel and that I don't need to act on those feelings. When I'm with him though? Sparks fly, I start to smolder (this is more than just physical too, I'm talking at all levels of intensity--physical, emotional and mental), I become absolutely flooded with emotion and I behave most heinously: I act on my feelings without regard to the consequences of which I am FULLY aware, I see what I want, try to get it and then melt down when I can't have it. Heinous. Immature. Shocking and exhausting. But a pattern of behavior that established itself at some point in the relationship that I obviously haven't broken out of.
So, all of this lead me to the conclusion that I just need to not have this man in my life in any capacity for the time being. It doesn't matter that I'm "fine" when I don't see him, I will not get over these patterns of behaviour that lead to our breakup if he's still in my life. The ex doesn't see it that way--he thinks that we can still talk and hang out and so forth ("it's not so black and white, Eeyore!")--but it is draining and exhausting for both of us to be around eachother when I am in this state of emotional hyperactivity when he's around. Moreover, it's not healthy for me right now. I want to end this pattern...I want to be able to get to a point where I can see him and, even if I still have all sorts of feelings and emotions and so forth, recognize those feelings (no suppression, thank you)but NOT act on them. I'm getting to a point where I can do that without much struggle when I'm not around him, but I want to be able to do that ALL the time...not feel like I have to avoid him for fear of not being able to contain myself or having to FORCE MYSELF to behave a certain way while quietly breaking down inside (which is how it would be if we did still keep in touch).
The thing is though...I have no idea *how* to break out of the pattern. How does one learn to quiet those feelings so they don't become this overwhelming, blinding force? Or, perhaps more acurately, how do you train yourself to pay attention to the facts of the situation rather than the feelings involved? Obviously, it can be done. My ex was living proof of that to me the other night when I was pleading with him to stay and he declined despite the fact that he really wanted to--b/c it wouldn't be a good idea in the long term and because of the feelings that are involved on both sides. Which, hello, I *know* but seemed to forget the instant he stepped foot into my house...which is terribly frustrating to me.
I'm going to talk to my therapist about all this, of course, but I just have no idea what the hell I'm doing and need all the advice I can get. I love this guy to pieces and want to be friends with him...but for my long term benefit I need to cut him out of my life right now, as much as that sucks in the short-term.

Well, your "Pattern" is emotionally driven primarily and it's that pattern you're trying to break. It's not that you can't think logically and with long term focus around this guy....it's that you're not in touchw ith yourself at the core level to understand that you want something you cannot have right now and you associate it with "this guy".
You looked at him back in teh day and planned a future, you foresaw a life, you went down paths, you got invested in that "potential and that future" and now it isn't happening.
What you're in is a grieving process....you've lost something signficiant to you. You lost the "future" that youthought you'd have by alliance with him. Asking you to get around him and remain long-term goal focused while acknowledging your feelings and not acting on them to some degree.....is like asking a 50 widow who looks at a picture of the man she loved for 30 years and spent a great life with and had so many plans for the future with now that retirement was close by.....to not cry and get upset.
The difference is, the widow has the life experience to be able to say "i need to sit down, cry, review this and move forward" and she knows that she'll repeat that process for several months or even years to some extent and degree.
You're over here in contact with it up close, personal, while it's still walking around and doesn't want what you want...and you're grieving the loss of your dreams, hopes, plans, expectations regarding the future that you had "mapped out"......and then you want yourself not to talk about "feelings".
The widow has nobody to "put her feelings off on" nor does she have anybody to 'comfort her becuase of the feelings"...she's able to accept the feelings as being a reality of the situation...while the situation is one she cannot change, must accept in order to deal with successfully and go forward.
YOu keep bringing this guy back from the grave....please, dear Lord, let yourself "grieve" without getting so emotionally caught up in the grief process that you fail to move forward.....becuase right now - that's precisely wehre you're headed.
You're creating a pattern that says "around him I"m a blithering idiot, emotional wreck, and a sexual nyphomanic but when he's not around I'm cool, calm, collected, and focused."
Those extremes are a reality because of denial.......when not around him you're in denial about what is involved in this extremely multifaceted issue...and when he's around you're unaware of what it is that you're being flooded with as "feelings" and you throw yourself into the previous response that you had around him while a couple that made you "feel better about your feelings" - which is "have sex with me, it makes me think I am still all that and safe and secure and with a positive future."
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Erin
I definitely see where you're coming from and think you're right on target. But, I have to say, one of the reasons I think I'm "bringing him back from the grave" is because neither of us is entirely sure that there is no possibility of a future between us as an "us". Which makes it very VERY confusing. I know the past is the past and I'm trying to not be future focused with this guy b/c that's something that will probably never happen with him. But at the same time, when I have Tweedledum over there saying "I want you in my life now and forever, you're my best friend, I love you so much and I'm open to the possibility of round 2 if and when you work through your eating disorder and the issues that go with it", I find it insanely difficult to just grieve and move forward. I'm not waiting for him by any means, but it's just making this process that much more difficult when you know that the man you are deeply in love with is still keeping a candle burning for you somewhere in his heart...I guess I just keep hoping. Not that he'll come crawling back on his knees right now, because I don't want a relationship with anyone other than myself at this time, but that we're not done. That's what's killing me, I think. B/c I AM in denial that it's over for good, even though I KNOW that it probably is.
Well, here's a fact to chew on.
Right now you're absolutely not right for each other according to mutual admission.
In light of that...you two reinvolving, reintertwining - get all these hopes, dreams, expectations out and pressed and cleaned again - is creating more negativity and resistance towards whatever you would have IF.
You grew up and became who you wanted to be. And he was still like he is.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
eeyore,
"I think I'm 'bringing him back from the grave' is because neither of us is entirely sure that there is no possibility of a future between us as an 'us'. Which makes it very VERY confusing."
i couldnt agree with that anymore - i think im in that stage too! i think, its one thing to KNOW that its over and have to move on from there... and another to be UNSURE that its over, and still try to move on. ESPECIALLY when "tweedledum" hasnt quite let you go either...
that seems to be the stage that i am at. i know that my ex and i are done with - its been a little over 3 weeks since that breakup night, two weeks since he got in touch with me, and a couple days since i "made" him give me my stuff back .. but for reasons i cant explain, i really truuullly dont think that he's completely let me go in his heart... and i dont want to sound like a woman in denial here - i definately dont think i am making things up in my head or i have "abused woman syndrome" - its just something that my gut just KNOWS. not only do i feel it in my instinct, but our breakup is just so unlike him - sooo.. not how he would be if he was for certain that he was done with me... but despite that, i think his head is letting me go even though his heart aches for me and questions his decision... so, i do know i have to move on.. i have to, have to, have to.........but oooooooooooooooh how hard it is!!!
its a struggle when your head knows something...but your heart just doesnt believe it...
id highly recommend you continue to cut him out. even if its just for the sake of your sanity - do it. deal with yourself, your disorder right now - and slowly gather yourself back to its complete whole .. NC isnt fun, but - whats the fun in trying on a great pair of shoes that you know you cant afford?? lol ... really, there isnt much that anyone can say to shed away the pain but i do hope to lend you support..
hugs,
eeksj
Yeah...at this point I am just exhausted with the whole situation. Drained. It's not even a huge gaping hole anymore...it just...is. I feel like this weekend was like...well, you know when you have a scab that looks pretty well healed but you feel compelled to pick at an edge just to see if it is...and then, when you do, it starts to bleed a crap load but only for a minute and only superficially? Then you kind of, just put the scab back down and just let it finish healing? Yeah...that's how I feel this weekend was for me. I realized that all I'm doing by involving myself with this guy is ruining any chance I have for myself to actually get better--to get beyond him, to move on with my disorder, to grow. And, as Erin so acurately stated, any further contact just adds to the negativity and tension between us which will get in the way of ANYTHING (friendship or otherwise) that may (or may not) occur with him in the future.
Blah. This breaking up thing sucks.
I just wanted to say I'm glad to hear that you've realized what's best for YOU, and to wish you luck with everything.
I don't know if you saw my post the other day, but my ex recently contacted me and thinks we should be friends now. And you know what? That seems like a pretty ridiculous idea to me. It's been almost a year since our breakup, we live in different states, and I don't have much respect for him anymore. As far as I'm concerned, that chapter of my life is closed. I'm not saying I wouldn't talk to him if he contacts me again, but I'm certainly not going to make the effort. I realized while talking to him that I'm doing okay without him in my life...actually, I'm GREAT!
I know our situations are different because you still respect and care about your ex very much, and I hope you two can be friends in the future if that's what you really want. I used to want that with my ex as well (until I realized he doesn't possess the qualities I find so valuable in a friend). You're right in realizing that contact with your ex right now will only damage the possibility of a future friendship...so stay strong and keep your chin up. Maybe someday you'll still want this ex in your life, maybe not. Only time will tell...and you and I both know it gets better.
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Thanks! It's about time, right? I've spent the last two months walking around with my eyes closed and fingers plugged into my ears going "lalalala...I'm not listening!" to try to make the truth--that I think, honestly, I've known in my heart all along but thought I would give the old college try anyway--go away.
I'll get better. I'm really quite a mess right now (well, for me) dealing with lots and lots of things OTHER than the r-ship and I need to deal with those things. I've promised myself that I will give myself 3 months, and then see where I think I should go from there. I know time frames aren't always the best thing in these types of scenarios, but I *have* to couch these things in some kind of terms so I can set these goals for my own personal well-being. Thanks for all the support everyone, I'm sure that I will continue to need it.
I think all of you women are wonderful!! I love reading your posts. They make me feel better about myself and my situation. It is helpful knowing that I am not going through this thing alone and that other people are having the same thoughts and emotions.
I have my days(and nights). Sometimes I feel like I am dragging and other times not. I am trying so hard to understand that my break-up was for a reason and it is best for both myself and my ex. That is very hard to say. I want it to work for my ex and I. I want him back in my life. But I know that is not going to happen. I want him to ache for me like I do for him. Whether that is happening or not, I don't know. I can't tell you how much I would love the phone to ring and for it to be him. That doesn't happen either. It is hard and breaking up sucks. I am just glad to have a support network, that I can go to.
Thank you all.
p.s. I think we should plan an all girls trip and treat ourselves to fun things, even though we don't know each other.(I am partially serious here. I feel like you posters are my girlfriends now).