Ending it after 4 years?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Ending it after 4 years?
7
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 10:45am

I've been dating my boyfriend since I was a sophomore in college... I'm in my second year of Grad School and I'm just not happy anymore. I have spent the last two years driving to see him every other weekend, but since he doesn't have a license, it's always me driving. He's had a rough time since graduating college, whereas I went to grad school, got hired at a great job by the University and am generally really positive about my life. He's very negative... and I've had these feelings off and on for years, that things weren't right... but its only now I have the courage to admit them. I guess I'm looking for someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing.

We're complete opposites... and while I once thought that was a strength, I think I've grown up a lot and I don't see it that way anymore. I love my family, but he doesn't ever want to do any family things with us... He's not into church, but I've always wanted to go to church as a family. He doesn't want a home or kids and I want those things. He love the city, I love the country... I mean, I just don't think it can work... but I don't think that he sees it the same way. I know he loves me, but I don't think I love him anymore... I'm doing the right thing right?

And on another note... I'm going to break up on the phone... big no-no I know... but he's over 4 hours away and I don't think I can take driving to see him and then driving back to school... that's a long way and I'm really tired. This relationship has draining my seemingly never ending energy supply... Am I horrible for going to break up with him like that?

~A

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 1:22pm

I have been through the same questions before but I said he will change.
He's always been negative even with the slightest things in life like going to movies!! he would worry about finding seats and would want to make a big deal and book ahead.
Dont ask about searching for a job or a better job... It was much more negative. I was very optimistic throughout my life and this kept me strong inspite of hard circumstances that I ve been through. However, recently I started to be affected by him and everything started to seem gloomy and negative to me. I would not feel like trying because I was sure it will fail. (so I realised lately that I have become him!!!)
Anyhow I still have hopes that he will change especially if I tell him that I also need to change and work on this negativity as well.
well he did change but to the worse. He actually told me that his feelings for me have changed and that he cannot continue with our relationship... so I guess if you have been working on this for sometime and it did not work you 'd better leave before it affects your personality and you become negative and faithless like him.
However, if you never mentioned this then what the heck are you waiting for? you should tell him what bothers you and your conditions to try to work on the relationship. Maybe he is willing to change... you should be able to tell this in the near future. If someone has the will to change for you theywill especially when it is for their own good.

good luck,
I hope you wont have to go through the pain before you decide it is over

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 2:17pm
I think that realizing I'm in an unhealthy relationship is the first step. Throughout the day, I've been feeling more confident in my decision... and although I'm sure he's going to be blown away by it (even though we had talked about it a few weeks ago) I'm sure I'm making the right decision. I have every right to end the relationship that he does... and I know its best for me. I can see myself being affected by his negativity and lack of motivation... I don't want to wake up one day and see that I threw away everything I wanted because of him... It's gonna be a long night I'm sure... but I'm gathering my confidence.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 2:45pm

Good for you if you feel you are making the right decision. Four years is a long time to know someone and if you think he is the total opposite of you then he probably is, my dad has always told me to never try to change a man and I've learned this on my own too. I don't think someone can change unless they want to in their heart and mind, prodding or hoping won't change someone. Too many people (especially women) have this attitude that they will die fighting to preserve these relationships when they should take just even half of that energy towards finding what they want within themselves.

My most recent ex was pretty motivated and successful but he was self-involved and very negative about life, my ex before him was just plain lazy and unmotivated, he hated his job/status in life but refused to do anything about it. It WILL bring you down to be around people like that, it is hard to not be affected by someone else's negativity (this can also be the case with toxic friends). The world can be a tough place as it is and the last thing you need is someone close to your heart telling or convincing you that you cannot do something. Better now than later down the road!

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 6:17pm

Horrible possibly, but u got ur reasons and maybe Id do the same because driving such a long distance just to have a bad moment isnt good.

Just make sure u tell him on the phone why u arent facing him, a man ( and I speak from experience) hates when ppl refuse to face the bad moments ( told u so cos an ex gf broke up w me by mail, totally unpersonal and of course I never ever called her again).

Avatar for alsatia23
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 1:36pm

If you are not happy, then you do need to leave.







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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
Sat, 12-11-2004 - 12:42am
no i dont think you are being mean. I think he should understand your situation more...esp sinc u are going to school
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
Sat, 12-11-2004 - 4:41am
Goodness, I don't know what's right now! After reading your first post, I thought, ok, break up with him over the phone. After reading the replies, though, somewhere along the line, I remembered my first true love, Eric. He was as you described; unambitious, down on life. He took the break-up pretty hard; ended up in the hospital with heart palpitations. We were 21 at the time. A few years later, I learned he was bicycle racing competitively, and owned his own bike shop. We actually started dating off and on when we were 15. I'm 38 now, and I still dream about him occasionally. More often than I dream about my ex-husband! Sometimes I think I would have been much better off if I had stayed with him. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. You're both still young. You could grow together, or you could grow apart. I think you owe it to yourself, as much as to him, to break up face to face. Four years is a good-sized chunk out of such a young life. Maybe you could give him another chance?