Ending a long distance relationship...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2005
Ending a long distance relationship...
1
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 5:41pm

Hi everyone,
I'm 39 living in the U.S. and met a 36 year old guy last summer at my office who works for the same company but he is a Brit and works in our London office. He was here for a few weeks last summer and we hit it off and began a LDR (long distance). We emailed every day and talked on the phone about 3 times a week. He came to visit me 4 times over a 6 month period (including Xmas) and only one those visits was for work. Over the course of his visits, he met my family, friends, dog, etc. He told me he loved me (via email) after 2 months. Alot of our communication was thru email. I hadn't yet visited him since it's more expensive for me to go there than for him to come here but the plan was for me to visit him this summer.

In February while he was here, I asked if he thought of us as exclusive and he answered "of course." I was surprised by his response since we had never discussed it before. In March, I arranged a romantic ski trip for us to stay with my friends in Colorado and we both knew this would be his last trip to the U.S. for awhile and I wouldn't be coming to the Uk for at least 3 months. We both have limited money and vacation time so I really wanted to make the most of this trip. However, the trip was just short of a romantic disaster as he was very distant and detached most of the time. I asked him what was wrong several times and tried to talk to him but he is not an emotional or communicative type and I could not get him to talk which really upset me after I planned this great trip. I knew from my gut feeling and his behavior that something was not right and it ruined my vacation.

After we got back and he went back to London, things changed drastically. He stopped calling/emailing and when I finally asked what was going on (thru email), he said that he didn't think we could go on like this (LDR) since we didn't know when we would be together again and finally talked to me about his feelings suggesting that perhaps we just be friends. He said that he didn't want to hurt me but that it wasn't fair to us sincehe didn't see anything more at the moment and his trips here for work were becoming more limited. He said that he still wanted to visit and for me to visit him sometime in the future and that my friendship was very important to him. I was heartbroken but agreed to try to just be friends and perhaps see what happens down the road.

That was over two weeks ago and we have hardly spoken (phone or email) since. I understand that it's necessary to adjust to a new status of friendship and therefore, I decided to contact him less to help get over the hurt but I am having a hard time switching gears like this. Last week, after receiving a message from him and waiting a day to respond, he seemed to have an attitude and I sensed some negativity (maybe even anger) from the tone of his messages and wasn't sure how to respond. At one point, he wrote "Since you haven't responded, I guess you don't want to hear from me so, I wish you all the best in the world. XO Dave" I feel like I am getting mixed messages because when I told him I was busy and planned to email him the next day, he seemed unconcerned. Now, I don't hear from him at all and not sure what to do (if anything). I haven't tried to contact him since last week but feeling confused and don't want to play games. Do you have any insight or advice about this situation?
Thanks for reading!
JE

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 05-07-2005 - 11:07pm

Sorry you're having to go through this. I would suggest sending him an email that says something like, "sorry I haven't written back sooner. It's been really hard on me to make the transition to platonic friends and actually I need a bit more time. I'll be in touch when I'm ready. Thanks for your understanding."

Then, don't have any contact with him until you're completely over him and ready to be friends. The test: you imagine him telling you about his wonderful new gf and you're actually happy for him! Until you can do that, you're not ready.

Sheri