Ending a long term relationship easier

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Ending a long term relationship easier
4
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 2:30pm
I am currently living with my boyfriend of 9 years - high school sweethearts. I am 24 years old and so is he. I want out of this relationship, and I don’t know how to go about ending it. I was his first love, but more importantly though, his one and only serious relationship. He is a wonderful person and my intentions are not to hurt him. Although being together this long, I think this will inevitable. I want to make this as easiest as possible.

I would like to mention that he has never been emotionally or physically abusive. But for other reasons, I no longer wish to be with him. Over the last couple years, my love for him is more so like a friend love than anything else. The sex has been very strained and infrequent on my part. He still seems very much in love with me and the fact that I have been feeling like this for a long time I know will surely kill him.

I want to discover what is out there. Meet new people. Maybe even move to another state. I cannot foresee myself spending the rest of my life with him. I am unhappy and feel empty inside. I don't want THIS to be it. I crave to rediscover myself and to become centered.

To make matters worse, I am horrible at dealing with confrontation. I am unsure of the best way to do this. I know inside that I owe him the respect of doing this face to face. But I'm not sure I can do this.

Would it be to cruel to take all of my belongs out while he is away on vacation and leave a note? What if I were to invite a friend for moral support, but have her wait some where else in the house while I break the news? It is just so difficult because of how long we’ve been together and the fact that we live together. I guess this could be compared to a divorce almost…

I've never posted to a message board before, so this is all new to me. I am looking for any suggestions, feedback, etc as to how I should proceed. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 3:53pm
Look at this as part of a growing experience, you have to face your fear of confrontation and do this. For many reasons, mainly so you can move on with your life if you really want to. Until your feelings matter more than his, you will continue to be in this position.

I wish you all the best on you path of self-discovery.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 4:28pm
I must say you have to do it in person. You've been with him for nine years, you owe him that much. As for having a friend there for moral support, I don't really see a problem with that. Just be honest and get it over with. The longer you put if off, the worse you're going to feel.

I've been on the receiving end of this conversation. At first I was really hurt, but after a little time I came to the realization that I wasn't happy either. I'm making plans for myself for the first time in my life and loving it.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 9:59pm
Welcome to the board!! I hope you find the advice that you're looking for. I think you are doing the right thing by ending things......if you aren't happy. The sooner you break the news the better....there is no reason to string him on any longer than you have to. I know it's going to be hard but you *CAN* do this and *CAN* get through it. But I do think that you owe a face to face talk with him and anything else would be desrespectful to him. You can trying writing out everything you want to say to him....the feelings your having etc and get it all worded the way you want....even reherse it so when it's time you'll know exactly what you want to say. Just sit him down and explain to him your feelings.....and try to do it as gently as possible as I'm sure this will hurt him.....but you need to be happy so it needs to be done. Good luck and keep us posted!!











Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 10:39am
I am going through something very simliar to your situation and it has been the hardest thing I have ever been through. I know that first of all reading these boards have helped me tremendously. I left my home of 6 1/2 years last Friday.It happened after a fight and I just packed a few things. I let him know the reason I was leaving. Since then he has been remorseful, anger, and hurt. I made the decision not to run home after after 2 days which I usually do. After a few days gone I decided that this time I wasnt going back and that I didnt know if even through counceling if we could work it out. It has been a continous emotional roller coaster if this is the right thing to do. We have an counceling appointment today which we have struggled on wheather to go or not. Yesterday I put the deposit down for my own apartment which was very scary and exciting at the same time. He has told me he wants to work this out and change things to make me happy. I am not sure at this point if even things changed would I still be happy? I told him we could go to the appointment today but I am not coming home after that. (I am really trying to remain strong on this) He doesnt know yet that I put down the deposit on an apartment. I think that if even we dont get back together that the counceling will help us make it through this and make us better people and partners to each other or other people in the future. I as well have my issues with shutting down and not communicating which has led to some of the problems that we have had. Also I am deathly afraid of confrontation so it makes this very hard as well. I believe in my heart though by being as open and honest with him now will be better for both of us. It also allows me to grow and work on the issues. I dont think that you should be sneaky about anything becuase it will not be good for your well being and emotional/mental health. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. I know it is hard just remember that you have a long life to live and everything will be ok.