ending my "engagement"

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
ending my "engagement"
3
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 12:37pm
About a year and a half ago I met the most teriffic person. I thought we were perfect together until I found out he was having some trouble getting a divorce from his first wife (I thought he was divorced already when we met). He gave me this song and dance about problems with the papers not getting signed, etc. etc. etc. I wanted to believe him and I gave him time to work out his problems. Now, it is a year later. He is still legally married, and I am still waiting on something to show me that he is even taking the steps towards divorce. Meanwhile, we moved in together, I got an engagement ring and all my friends threw us this big party to congratulate us (because we made such a perfect pair). I am still getting the promises that the situation is being rectified, but so far he just hasn't been capable of getting anything in writing to prove anything. I feel like a fool.

Last night I told him I think it is time to go back to leading our seperate lives, and to officially end the engagement. I told him that being engaged under the circumstances was more painful to me than anything else. He seems upset, but who knows if that is even real. I am 48 years old and I should have known better. I don't really have a question, except maybe how do I get free of this situation emotionally and move on with my life? I feel better about myself now that I have taken the steps I need to free myself, but I feel so lost and alone. Anyone with any ideas? Send them to me.


Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 1:32pm
Douri, I'm sorry to hear that but as you know from my posts to you on another board, I think you've done the right thing.

Ok...practical considerations first. Have you given him a date by which he needs to move out (assuming he's living in your home)?

As for how to move on emotionally, getting over someone takes three things: time, no contact, and acceptance that it's over and that the two of you aren't right for each other. It will be painful at first, no question about that. But once he's out and you can start no contact, things WILL get better. As for the acceptance part, I would keep reminding yourself that if he were truly committed to you, he would have moved heaven and earthy to finalize his divorce.

Again, sorry that you are going through this. Hugs to you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 2:31pm
You are so right, if he really cared he would have moved heaven and earth to get things done. I am living with him so his comfort level was never altered by the situation. I still have my apartment. I guess in my heart I always had my doubts and have kept it just in case. It will be hard I know. I finally made the decision when I asked myself "what would I want my daughter to do? What advice would I give to her under these same circumstances?" What I would want her to do is what I am doing now. I just wish I hadn't let myself be taken in for so long. Thank you for your support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 10:07pm
Welcome to the board although I wish it were under better circumstances. I'm so sorry that things turned out this way. I think you have been much more patient then I would've been. As hard as it would've been I think I probably would have ended it as soon as I found out he was still married....but I'm less forgiving then alot of people are. I think you did the right thing by ending things....because honestly it doesn't sound like he was doing much to change the situation. IS one of you moving out? I would suggest that first and formost....if you're going back to living seperate lives you need to live seperate. After that I would suggest no contact so you aren't tempted to go back to the way things were and other than that I would just reccomend staying busy to help keep your mind off things....go hang out with friends, go shopping, take up a new hobby, exercise anything to keep you occupied!! Good luck and keep us posted!!









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