Engagement over - very lost

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Engagement over - very lost
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 11:25am
I've been in a long distance relationship with my fiance for 15 months. We got engaged over New Year's. We were very happy and very much in love. For me it was my very first real love. For him it was his first adult love. We had a bit of a fight at the end of January about me being superficial and in that time he told his ex-girlfriend and mother of his son that he was getting married. She told him that she still loved him and that if he doesn't marry me he can get back with her and he can have his son full time. He was always heartbroken over not being able to live with his son. He could really care less about the kids mother but his son really has his heart. I know how hard it is for him to leave his son at the end of their visitation and I know it makes him furious when he calls his ex to talk to his son and she says "he's asleep" when he can hear him playing in the background clearly awake.
Two weeks ago he told me the ultimatum she gave him, his son or me. He went around this for a week until Monday he text messaged me that he couldn't do it anymore and he has to do what is right for his son. He didn't know if it was the right decision and he thinks it probably isn't but he has to try. I understand the position he's in because if he does stay with me she will make it very difficult to see his son. He's from the UK and the laws are not on his side and if he can get visitation it is always going to be a struggle and he might get 2 hours a week, if that, if she cooperates. He just can't do that. I understand that.
On tuesday I text him that he has to call me because you do not break up with someone over text messaging (I keep thinking of Sex and the City when Berger broke up with Carrie on a post-it). He called me Tuesday night and started the conversation being really mean to me. After about 3 minutes, he had a complete breakdown and we both cried to each other for an hour and half. He still loves me like no one else and will love me forever. We really cleared a lot of things up and he said no matter what he is not going back to his ex. He'll do whatever it takes to be with his son but he won't be with her and if he ever gets married it will only ever be to me.
I felt better, not good but at least I could go 15 minutes without breaking down. However, after a week of this, I am still so crushed and I can't do anything to make my life happy. Before I met him I was happy but only in a superficial sense. I hate my job, I looked for a new job for a year and a half and came up empty handed everytime. Then when we got together, I tried and tried to keep him away, but he kept coming after me and I was happy. And we were together and life suddenly made more sense. I never believed in love and all that sappy garbage but with him I was a silly school girl. Now I'm so depressed I can't find anything that has any meaning to it anymore. None of my friends talk to me because they feel that they can't find the perfect phrase to make it all go away so they just gave up and no one will even talk to me. And the ones that do tell me to perk up and I'll find someone new. I don't want anyone new. I don't want someone else. And this just wasn't some boyfriend that we've all dealt with broken hearts with. He was going to be my husband. We were going to spend the rest of our lives together. And now everything is back to the way it was except now I know what love and happiness is.
He and I still talk. It doesn't seem it but it does make me feel better. Because above all else he is my best friend and really he's the only one who understands this situation. I only want him to be happy and being so far away I won't ever run into him or anyone he knows to tell me whether or not he's ok. I can't bare to think that he'll be unhappy or sick or hurt. I've accepted we are over, but I can't pick myself up. I know this is long and full of "whoa is me" but I don't know where else to turn. No one's really ever been through something like this. You usually marry the person you're engaged to.