Engagement...but not mine

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Engagement...but not mine
8
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 3:12pm

What is wrong with me? I think I'm going crazy! My boyfriend and I broke up a couple of weeks ago (5 yrs., living together for 3.5 yrs.) and it's been really tough for me. This weekend I decided to pamper myself, so I was feeling pretty good this morning and finally felt like I could get my head back into work--which I need to do because I haven't quite been productive lately. So I got in early and soon after I sit down at my desk, a really good friend of mine comes and and guess what? That's right, she's engaged! Oh. yay. I felt like a terrible, terrible friend, but it felt like somebody had punched me in the gut! Ugh, I'm so mean. Anyway, she told me all about the romantic proposal and I smiled and congratulated her and then went directly into the bathroom, got sick (I haven't been sick since the couple of days after the breakup) and cried for about an hour. And that made me feel even worse because I shouldn't be sitting there feeling sorry for myself.

Anyway, I finally pulled myself together and made an appt. with a psychologist. I think I just need help--I should be happy for my friend instead of wallowing around in this stupid pool of self pity. I'll be really glad when I start to feel half way normal again. Has anybody else had a trigger like this that just completely set them back?

Oh, and needless to say, I haven't gotten a thing done today!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 4:05pm

Here's the thing......

Feelings are NOT facts, goals, or calls to action. They're not tools of cognition. They don't demand a response. As someone wise once said "it's not that having feelings is a problem, but what you do about the feelings you have can certainly create disaster."

Feelings are overemphasized - but not overrated.

Feelings are a temporary. They're a result of the following equation at all times.

Your self-esteem + needs/wants/expectations x situation at hand + previous experience with emotional response built in = feelings of the moment.

So feelings are transitional....they're extremely dependent and determined by things completely outside of the situational element.

And here's whre men and women differ......at least some of the time.

When Johnny is 8 and doesn't make the baseball team....he's encouraged to "buck it up" in terms of his feelings, and go out and practice harder this year, learn some skills, and probably dad makes it a point to go out there and throw the ball with him all season long a couple of times a week, maybe enroll him in a clinic in the summer, etc. etc.

That "response" on the part of the parent tells Johnny the following..."your feelings are important, but they're not going change how things are. What you DO is going to change your situation, which will change how you feel." and in that situational example....it sends the message "your feelings might have to stay this way about not making the team this year becuase THAT cannot be changed, but you can't respond to those feelings while pursuing making the next NEXT year."

When Susie is 8 and doesn't make the cheerleading squad......in tears, she's comforted, told to forget about it, told that it was unfair, and she's bought a new outfit or taken to anevent to "make her forget about this. The message that sends is that your "feelings" which are a result of situations - are the determinant factor to consider in your NEXT SET of actions....with no goal for your next set of actions except to "placate the feelings". Now THERE is the emotional vortex that alot of women rotate in and can't figure out why "things are like they are.

So......in life you're either going to respond to situations due to your goals...or you're going to respond to situations due to your feelings.

If you respond in light of your goals, you'll be factually assessing, responsibly acting, value oriented and emotionally acknowledging at all times - your "feelings" won't dictate your actions, your goals will and that teaches you rely on you in life....which a position of empowerment in the extrme. It allows you to succeed, to be trusted in every way because you're consistent and congruent.

If you respond in light of your feelings - you're always doing something as a temporary fix that makes you feel better - and the lesson you teach yoursel fis that "until I feel right i don't act intelligently or responsibly" - that sends you into a frenzy for someone to supervisor, monitor, control and guide you into success - because you're incapable of it in your own right. And it teaches the people in your world that you're unpredictable and unreliable because there's no telling what you'll do - it's all based on how you feel. Which allows you only to succeed at low levels in any regard, and keeps you attracting/attractive to superficial, external, and instant gratification based people. Because, that's what you are at the core.

So, in all situations in life.....don't respond based on your feelings. Either with you or with others. Acknowledge the feelings - absolutely. Unacknowledged they'll stab you in the back. But don't respond based on the feelings, and wallowing in a pity party that it takes someone else to get you out of the results of.....has you screaming for a "parent" to control you becuase you can't control yourself.

But, no matter where you go there you are. And ifyou're terrified of you because you're emotionally driven....you're with the one person that you're most afraid of at all times, no matter what.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 4:10pm

Not sure this helps, but I tend to deal with friends' engagements by thinking that they're just helping weed out the available guys for me (as in, they have to deal with that guy's quirks and irritations, and I never will now). Of course, I never tell them that! (I say all this half kiddingly) ;o)

I understand what pain this must have caused you, though. Try to remember who YOU are and what YOU DESERVE out of a relationship... live a vigourous, full life and let Prince Charming find you that way. (Easier said than done, I know I know... but if no one ever says it, it'll never be done.)

And kudos on pampering yourself. I also like getting out of the house to go for walks, flirt with random guys (yeah, sad, but I figure I'll have to get back in the game someday, so I don't want my skills to get too rusty), treat myself to lunch, etc. Basically, I'm just trying to find other ways to distract myself for now.

And no, no one expects you to be "happy" for your engaged friend... just try not to let her happiness hurt you. :o( I think that maybe the only thing you're missing out on b/c of this messy break-up is the possibility of a messy divorce someday.

Many hugs,
~S

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 5:01pm
You're both right. I do let my emotions dictate my actions much too often and I'm going to be happy for my friend. Why should my broken relationship bleed into her happiness in any way. That's selfish of me. Life sucks right now, but better now than down the road when I could have been married. I'll just stick with the pampering for now--and the psychologist, haha.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Mon, 04-04-2005 - 11:47pm

Hi Unsure,

I just wanted to tell you that I really feel your pain. I was with my exbf for four years. We got engaged in October and he left me in January. Honestly, it hasn't really gotten any easier over the last three months. Not like I've been hearing it's supposed too.

Last week, a good friend of mine at work got engaged. Luckily she wasn't there to tell me about it- a mutual friend told me. But it was bad enough. I had to feign happiness and enthusiasm for just as long as it took me to excuse myself and go to the bathroom where I cried and cried. And then I went home and cried myself to sleep on top of that (hadn't done that for a few weeks)

I feel guilty too. I want to be happy for her (and also for my other friends- it seems like everyone I know is getting married or engaged now). But I can't. I just keep thinking, why are all of these other people worthy of this and not me? I don't think you should beat yourself up about not being able to be happy for your friend. And I don't think you're being selfish or wallowing in self-pity. Going through this is hard as hell- maybe if you're like me most days it takes all your energy just to get through the day. It's okay if you can't spare any energy right now to be happy for someone else.

Just my opinion. But please send me an email if you'd like to talk. -belcanto

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 2:14am

first of all - i can completely relate!! :)

although i was never engaged nor has there been any good friend of mine who just recently did - but...believe me, i can completely relate to the feeling of: "ugh, everyone else's happiness is making me miserable. grrr!"

most of my girlfriends are in long-term relationships and as happy as i am for them, and as much as i realllllly do love them - at the same time, i hate it. i know its selfish, but when im feeling miserable about my breakup right now - the last thing i need to make me feel better is have their glorious relationship and boyfriend be rubbed in my face..it sounds so wrong, i know - but i cant help not be happy for them .. :S

and i dont think that makes me an evil or selfish person, and it most definately doesnt make you either! i mean, reality is - we're feeling like crap.. barely keeping ourselves together.. still mourning over our ex's and our lost relationship .. and for the time being, we have every right to feel this way .. !

eeksj

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 8:47am
Thank you, eeksj and belcanto, both of you are right. I thought I was a bad person for not being able to be happier for her, but I'm not. I'm just in a really tough situation and am too heartbroken to stomach the romantic stories and hear the excitement about something that not only I wanted, but that I honsetly thought would happen. Belcanto, you hit the nail right on the head, while I was crying in the bathroom I kept saying "Why am I not worthy of being loved?" It probably sounds pitiful, but that's honestly how I felt. Of course I am worthy of being loved, but quite honestly, I don't even care right now. I just need to keep trying to heal so I can function normally again. I'm really sorry that we're all in this situation, but I definitely appreciate your support. It really helps me get through the day, which isn't always an easy task. Well, at this point it's never an easy task, so thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2005
Sun, 04-10-2005 - 7:48pm
I know where you are coming from. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years yesterday due to a variety of issues that basically boiled down to us not wanting the same things out of life and having grown in different directions. Meanwhile, in the past year, two of my best friends have gotten married, and another is getting in September. And every one of them met their husbands/husband-to-be well after I met my ex. Two of my friends (one already married and one getting married in September) were engaged in less than a year, which made me feel like SUCH a loser. After all, I had been giving my all to my ex for five years, and he hadn't made such a commitment to me. Everytime I heard about another person getting proposed to, I couldn't help but think it wasn't their turn and wonder what was wrong with me. Now, I have a much clearer idea of what I want out of life and know that my ex doesn't want the same thing. I also know that there is a man out there who does want what I want, and I look forward to finding him and building a life with him. However, right now, all I can think about is how much my ex and I love each other, and I can't help but wish that it had all worked out. I am sending good thoughts your way...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 9:19pm
I'm sure that normally you would be really happy for your friend right now but given your current situation it's hard to think about engagements without thinking of the relationship you've lost.
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