Especially sad today

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
Especially sad today
7
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 9:01pm

For some reason I am feeling especially sad and am missing him more today. His contacts have gotten further apart and finally I emailed him yesterday telling him it is too soon for us to try to be friends, and whether he understands it or not, no contact is what I need. I have not heard back from him so maybe he is finally listening. But I just feel so sad. I've cried more today than I have in quite a while. Part of me wishes he would just come to my house and hold me and apologize for everything and beg for a new start. I know this is just a romantic fantasy and not really what I need, but right now I am missing the good times.

Sometimes I think the only way I will be able to get him out of my mind is to start seeing other people so I can think about them instead.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 9:38pm
What you're feeling is COMPLETELY normal. I'm having that day myself so I know where you are. You have to just feel what you're feeling and know that this is not forever. You won't always be feeling this way. You're not ready to be with someone else. You need to get over this relationship before you move onto another one. This man meant something to you and you don't recover instantly from this kind of pain, but you will recover I promise. My friend is always saying that it's amazing that something as painful as a broken heart doesn't kill you. Your pain is real and normal but it does have an end. We just don't know when we'll be better, but we will. Take a hot bath, relax and think of your ideal life. You can design any life you want so just take some time all to yourself and envision that life because someday you'll be there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 10:15pm

I have days like this too. Today was a better day. . . . I caught myself laughing. How nice that felt! I also called a girlfriend and have tentative plans for tomorrow and plan to reconnect with some older friends very soon. I am not going to go into my whole story here - the reason I even checked the board tonight was to post the following email I received (ironically from my ex when we were first dating over 2 years ago). It really makes me think - hope it lifts you up a little bit.

*****************************************************************************************
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.!

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 10:23pm
You are feeling what you should feel. You cared alot for someone and that doesnt just stop. It may never stop, but it gets easier, and the pain fades. But maybe the love and the caring doesnt. But you are only human. You are probably not ready to be with someone else, not if you are still grieving over a lost relationship. Give yourself plently of time to heal before starting something else. It wouldnt be fair to you to try and add more problems to your life, and it wouldnt be fair to someone else to have to live with your baggage too. Be strong and know that you have friends who love you, who will hold your hand when you cry and wipe your tears away when you have no energy left. Know that you will get through it, no matter how unlikely it seems now. And remember that you are who you are and you will fall in love again, and care for someone else. And they will make you just as happy, if not happier. So just give yourself time, and fill your days with things that make you happy. And if somewhere down the line you need a day to cry and grive, then do it. Crying lets out all the unsaid words. And it is normal to cry. Dont hold everything in and pretend you are okay if your not. You will move on and be happy again and love again, in your own time. Not when you feel you should be over it. Never let people make you feel guilty for grieving something that was lost. Its those who try and push you, that have never been there themselves.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 11:25am
That is so profound. I used to think of him as someone I would have a future with and I could see us retiring on some beautiful lake somewhere and traveling the country. I used to think we were so lucky to have found each other in our mid-40s when you think you may never find love again. But then I started to realize that he might just be someone who came into my life to help me in some way. I know he helped me learn some things about myself. I guess he was one of my "seasons". I hope the next one is a lifetime.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Sun, 01-07-2007 - 11:32pm

Hey Hopeful...

I haven't posted my story... but I will. Oh my can I send you some serious hugs tonight because I feel it too...

I want to call. I want to email. I told him yesterday that although he is my best friend, we just can't go there right now and that it's time to stop holding on to those contacts. Yes, we have some last things to clean up between us in terms of 'logistics' My cell phone is on his plan, we share some memberships to local things... I have keys to his apartment and his old football t-shirt. My laptop warranty ... in his name. Just a few things I guess. Anyhow, we were talking yesterday about sorting things out and it broke me all over again.

It will be a week tomorrow at exactly 2 pm... not very long. But you're right.

If we ever are to salvage the thing that brought us together in the first place I will need months of no contact. oh god... how do you suddenly just not talk to someone.

I still love him with all of my heart. I want him happy. If talking to me makes him unhappy I wouldn't want that either... but it only dulls the pain and prolongs healing me. I'm smart enough to know this logically... but my heart is screaming at me.

Anyhow... I'm sorry that you are so sad. Every once in the while today... I kept thinking that maybe he will decide that this can all be worked out (we never really argued or fought in the years we were together, and he just lost his passion for us...) with some talking and maybe even therapy - which I would have agreed to if he had only asked... or let me in.

I think of an officer and gentleman... and I wish that it was happening to me just that way. But it won't. And... sometimes I know that is hard to swallow.

Hang in there... don't email. Don't call. Heck, email me if you want. Email yourself, email your friends... whatever it takes.

You WILL be ok... just believe in you. After all, when one door closes there are always windows opening around you. Sometimes - you just have to pull back the blinds to find them.

*hugs*

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 11:15am

Maybe I'm just feeling "breakup remorse", but I keep thinking about the things he did to contribute to the demise of the relationship and wondering if I could have done some things differently that would have changed the outcome. He told me from the very beginning that he was not going to change, so not to even try to get him to. He said women always try to change something about men, especially after marriage. I thought back to my previous relationships and found this to be true, to some degree. He said if I couldn't accept him the way he was, I should leave, so when I realized there were things I didn't feel I could live with, I thought in terms of leaving. I tried really hard not to let things be deal-breaking issues, but they bothered me more and more until finally I had to accept that I couldn't get past them. Now I'm starting to wonder if maybe I could have learned to react differently to the things he said and did, maybe his behavior would have eventually been different.

I know he was very insecure and I did not give him the attention and affection he felt like he needed. Maybe if I had paid more attention to that, he would have been different. Does this make sense to anyone but me?

I almost feel like we need to sit down and have a heart to heart so that we can know for sure that breaking up was really the right thing to do. On the other hand, have I already wasted enough time trying to figure out what to do with him?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 11:44am

You gave it your all, already, and it didn't work. It's normal to wonder "what if", but since you already did the best you could to accept him as is (and no, he's not going to change!), and you couldn't do it, what more is there to talk about?

Sheri