Especially sad today
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| Fri, 01-05-2007 - 9:01pm |
For some reason I am feeling especially sad and am missing him more today. His contacts have gotten further apart and finally I emailed him yesterday telling him it is too soon for us to try to be friends, and whether he understands it or not, no contact is what I need. I have not heard back from him so maybe he is finally listening. But I just feel so sad. I've cried more today than I have in quite a while. Part of me wishes he would just come to my house and hold me and apologize for everything and beg for a new start. I know this is just a romantic fantasy and not really what I need, but right now I am missing the good times.
Sometimes I think the only way I will be able to get him out of my mind is to start seeing other people so I can think about them instead.

I have days like this too. Today was a better day. . . . I caught myself laughing. How nice that felt! I also called a girlfriend and have tentative plans for tomorrow and plan to reconnect with some older friends very soon. I am not going to go into my whole story here - the reason I even checked the board tonight was to post the following email I received (ironically from my ex when we were first dating over 2 years ago). It really makes me think - hope it lifts you up a little bit.
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People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.!
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Hey Hopeful...
I haven't posted my story... but I will. Oh my can I send you some serious hugs tonight because I feel it too...
I want to call. I want to email. I told him yesterday that although he is my best friend, we just can't go there right now and that it's time to stop holding on to those contacts. Yes, we have some last things to clean up between us in terms of 'logistics' My cell phone is on his plan, we share some memberships to local things... I have keys to his apartment and his old football t-shirt. My laptop warranty ... in his name. Just a few things I guess. Anyhow, we were talking yesterday about sorting things out and it broke me all over again.
It will be a week tomorrow at exactly 2 pm... not very long. But you're right.
If we ever are to salvage the thing that brought us together in the first place I will need months of no contact. oh god... how do you suddenly just not talk to someone.
I still love him with all of my heart. I want him happy. If talking to me makes him unhappy I wouldn't want that either... but it only dulls the pain and prolongs healing me. I'm smart enough to know this logically... but my heart is screaming at me.
Anyhow... I'm sorry that you are so sad. Every once in the while today... I kept thinking that maybe he will decide that this can all be worked out (we never really argued or fought in the years we were together, and he just lost his passion for us...) with some talking and maybe even therapy - which I would have agreed to if he had only asked... or let me in.
I think of an officer and gentleman... and I wish that it was happening to me just that way. But it won't. And... sometimes I know that is hard to swallow.
Hang in there... don't email. Don't call. Heck, email me if you want. Email yourself, email your friends... whatever it takes.
You WILL be ok... just believe in you. After all, when one door closes there are always windows opening around you. Sometimes - you just have to pull back the blinds to find them.
*hugs*
Maybe I'm just feeling "breakup remorse", but I keep thinking about the things he did to contribute to the demise of the relationship and wondering if I could have done some things differently that would have changed the outcome. He told me from the very beginning that he was not going to change, so not to even try to get him to. He said women always try to change something about men, especially after marriage. I thought back to my previous relationships and found this to be true, to some degree. He said if I couldn't accept him the way he was, I should leave, so when I realized there were things I didn't feel I could live with, I thought in terms of leaving. I tried really hard not to let things be deal-breaking issues, but they bothered me more and more until finally I had to accept that I couldn't get past them. Now I'm starting to wonder if maybe I could have learned to react differently to the things he said and did, maybe his behavior would have eventually been different.
I know he was very insecure and I did not give him the attention and affection he felt like he needed. Maybe if I had paid more attention to that, he would have been different. Does this make sense to anyone but me?
I almost feel like we need to sit down and have a heart to heart so that we can know for sure that breaking up was really the right thing to do. On the other hand, have I already wasted enough time trying to figure out what to do with him?
You gave it your all, already, and it didn't work. It's normal to wonder "what if", but since you already did the best you could to accept him as is (and no, he's not going to change!), and you couldn't do it, what more is there to talk about?
Sheri