Is this ethically correct?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Is this ethically correct?
2
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 12:51pm
I broke up with my ex four weeks ago. The reason was that he lost sexual interest in me and was not really in love. Of course I was devastated.

But before all this, let me tell you my story. I have always wanted to have a child, I met this guy in a message board and thought that he was a good candidate to be my child's father (for various reasons). We met in person and asked him to get me pregnant with no committments. He accepted. But our relationship became serious and he insisted that getting pregnant was not a good idea. I agreed because I wanted something serious with him, I fell in love. However 1 and a half year later, we broke up and I still have the need to have a child.

We will see again next month because we planned a boat holiday before breaking up and I really do not want to get back together. I changed my mind about "no contact" because I still want to get pregnant. My dilemma is whether or not I should ask him AGAIN to help me to get pregnant. That is all I want at this moment. There is no other choice for me. I do not want to have a child from an anonymous donor. I do respect and admire my ex and his is the most suitable person to be the father of any child of mine.

I am struggling to know if this is correct, am I degrading myself?. The first time I asked him about this (when we were just friends) I felt fine because it was my decision and no feelings were involved. This is not an excuse to get him back. What do you think about it?. Please somebody say something. I feel alone.

Iliana


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 3:44pm
I am sorry you feel alone. That is not a pleasant feeling. But having a child is not the answer. I think that asking your ex to impregnate you would be wrong on many levels. I don't think that you have really gotten over the relationship. I don't think you should make any judgments or decision that will affect the rest of your life until you are feeling stronger.

Are you really prepared to be a single mother? Raising a child is challenging when there are two of you. It will be an all consuming job. Are you absolutely sure that you won't expect him to be a part of that child's life? You were willing to put aside your desire to have a child while you were involved with him. Did your desire for him outweigh your desire for a child?

Why is there no other choice for you? I don't know your age, so I am not sure if this is a timeclock kind of thing.

I think you really need to sit down and analyze this situation. Once again, don't make any major decisions while you are still mending from a broken heart. ((hugs))

Lois

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 11:14am
Thanks for your reply. Having a child is something that I have been thinking for a long time. I am 33 and I see this as the only chance to get pregnant. I am financially independant and have an extended family that would help me to raise a child. There is no question about whether or not I am capable of doing it. My concern is whether or not this the moment and the guy to help me with this.

Lasts emails we have exchanged he has been very mean to me. I tried to sort out our problems and offer a less emotional demanding relationship on my part. He said that we could have sex next time we see each other. According to him, it would not make any difference to the current situation, he just doesn't want any romantic relationship with me anymore. For him sex is just a physical animal act, nothing else. He warns that this is not going to stop him from dating and having sex with someone else. I feel humiliated and find difficult to believe that someone whom I respected so much for so long is just a nasty jerk, a monster. However in a way this is better because it makes the healing process easier.

My rational mind says that I should get rid of him as soon as possible. But I see him as my last chance to get pregnant. Yes, I am young but I do not want to go through this again with another man. It is not worth it.

I am doing everything wrong. My only problem is my desire to have a child, I wish I could be happy just being alone for the rest of my life.

Iliana