everyone's right, I'm not ready

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
everyone's right, I'm not ready
5
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 6:07pm
Okay, I think I need to acknowledge that those who have urged me to caution are right. After about 3 months of no contact, my ex called for a short, random phone call. Later, we met up for drinks, had an intensely emotional exchange all last weekend, talking about feelings and the breakup. Then we started emailing in a more friendly tone, joking, flirting, and we have plans for dinner and a movie Friday night.

Everyone said "noooo" with screams of horror. Yes, this is the guy I dumped because he acted like a total jerk when I had cervical cancer, refused requests to go to the hospital for biopsies or surgery, and started pressuring me for sex 3 days after the surgery. This is also the guy who's been front and center in my obsessive little mind for months now, as all of you are probably tired of hearing, while I've tried to reconcile the tremendous love I had for him with his callous and selfish behavior.

So, what was I thinking? Not thinking, obviously. Here's the thing - we're in an ambiguous friends zone at the moment. He said he wants to be a better friend to me than a lover, but that's actually the only reference he's made to friendship. Other than that, he wants to "hang out," which apparently includes date-like night events two weekends in a row. But he's said numerous times that we were a total failure as a couple, our relationship was awful, we weren't meant to be, you name it. Rude, yes. But I guess that's what you expect someone to think (if not say) if they're committed to moving on and getting past the breakup (and/or if they want to be sure they're not conveying the impression that they want to rekindle). He's also said that he screwed up, that he was confused, overwhelmed, didn't know how to respond to the cancer thing, equated sex with closeness and tried to force it because he could feel we were drifting apart, you name it. Lame, yes, but maybe progress that he can admit he made mistakes.

So, I don't know what I'm thinking here. Part of me was just so relieved to have contact with him again, even just cordial, friendly, I know some day I could pick up the phone and he'd answer contact, that I felt this anxiety lifted. I don't hold grudges, I don't cut people out of my life, it's hard to think I'd never talk to him again. I thought, sure, I can do friendship.

But, then, frankly, I started down the "maybe he'll make it all up to me and we can reconcile, maybe he's changed and I can love him again" path. Because I still have strong feelings for him, and am still attracted to him. Last weekend, at dinner and on the phone, he started crying, too, as we talked - maybe he still has strong feelings for me. I don't know, I was hoping that he was trying to change, trying to rebuild my trust through friendship, that he wants me back. But he's like the sphinx, I cannot get a read on him, I have no idea what his intentions are. So, I should just say that I don't care what he wants, and be done with it. And I don't want to reconcile with the guy I left. But maybe I want to see if he can show me that he's learned a lesson. Anyway, here's where everyone's right and I'm stupid.

We've been exchanging friendly emails all week. We have been sending each other links to personality tests at tickle.com, I thought to be cute and also as a getting to know you better let's reconnect sort of thing. So, in my own silly way, I was sharing personality test results with him as a gesture of intimacy and trust. And I got slapped down for it. Not in a rude way, he didn't say anything mean, but his response was a very firm, very distant, almost clinical, it's interesting that you're that way but it means nothing to me and you're doing such a great job "moving on in your personal life." And whenever I get some message that hints at rejection from him, that hints at him policing the boundaries of "friendship," even if it's something I'd think was nothing at all from an actual friend, it just hits me so hard, my face gets instantly flushed, and I get all trembly. I am so not ready to put myself in a position to be hurt and rejected by him. God, I left him, why does it make me feel rejected? I'm so stupid. You were all right. It was easier last weekend, when I was fueled with residual anger at him, when I was in the position of power as the dumper, when I just couldn't believe the line he was feeding me, when I had done a much better job than him of moving on with my life and achieving my personal goals. But I feel like I've weakened, like I've given him the upper hand or something, and it just hurts so much to hear him talk like we can *never* be anything more than friends, since I allowed myself to be deluded into thinking he wasn't just messing with my head, that he was in my life again for some reason besides his selfish crap.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 7:19pm
don't beat yourself up, Milton. It's easy for us to say, "don't contact him, don't be friends with him" when we don't know you or him or have feelings attached to this situation. It's always harder to see the big picture if you're on the inside. We are human and we make mistakes. Just try to learn from this situation and if you feel yourself start to slip again just try to re-read your posts and think about things. And if you mess up again, try again, that's all. It doesn't matter who "wins" in this situation, so just try to focus on healing and thinking of what is best for YOU from now on!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 10:06pm
((((Hugs)))) Don't beat yourself up...we all make mistakes and as long as you learn from them and don't keep repeating them it will be ok. So you aren't ready to be friends....no big deal....you tried and it didn't work....it's not the end of the world....you'll get through this...just like you've gotten through everything else so far...and we're here for you if you need us!!













Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 8:38am
I'm not sure what his motives are, but it sounds like me misses the companionship and having someone to do things with. My ex has told me he misses me that way. But I can tell you that there is no way I could just hang out with him. Exchanging friendly emails is ok, and I do believe that he cares enough about me to want to know what is happening in my life. But I know I could not start maintaining regular contact with him without really wanting more.

My ex as well sets boundaries in his emails. For example: "I do miss you and still think about you but I guess we do need to move on" I read that as I miss you but don't think it really means anything for us.

Quite frankly, I am not even sure why he feels the need to keep telling me he misses me. Maybe it is some misguided attempt at making me feel better.

Anyway, as long as you aknowledge that the two of you are looking for different things, it is probably best to keep contact to a minimum. I am not sure how two people go from being exclusive lovers to best buds in a matter of months. And not to bust on your ex, but it seems that he still has issues with selfishness. Good Luck

Lois

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 11:44am
Hon, he's not a vending machine and he's not a lump of play doh.

You can't chunk change called "work, effort, sacrifice, and tolerance" into him thinking eventually you'll punch a button and out will come what it is you desire and want.

And you can't mold, shape, form, and harden him into what you want and need - based on work, effort, sacrifice, and tolerance either.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 6:44pm
I agree with Lois in that this may be a case of him missing you & the companionship more than he misses the actual relationship. There's a big difference that often gets blurred post-relationship. I used to think that since my X was still contacting me, he still cared for me, missed me and ergo maybe he's realizing what he's missing out on. Yah, I am sure he missed & cared for me... but not enough to change into the MAN I wanted/needed him to be.

Perhaps this is further proof of your X's selfishness. If he wants you back, then he should be explicit about that. If he just wants to be friends, then he should also be clear about that AND give you the space & time you need to get over him. It's not about him wanting someone to do stuff with on the weekends. This is about YOU now... and you have better things to do than play mind games with him.