everyone's right, I'm not ready
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| Thu, 07-22-2004 - 6:07pm |
Everyone said "noooo" with screams of horror. Yes, this is the guy I dumped because he acted like a total jerk when I had cervical cancer, refused requests to go to the hospital for biopsies or surgery, and started pressuring me for sex 3 days after the surgery. This is also the guy who's been front and center in my obsessive little mind for months now, as all of you are probably tired of hearing, while I've tried to reconcile the tremendous love I had for him with his callous and selfish behavior.
So, what was I thinking? Not thinking, obviously. Here's the thing - we're in an ambiguous friends zone at the moment. He said he wants to be a better friend to me than a lover, but that's actually the only reference he's made to friendship. Other than that, he wants to "hang out," which apparently includes date-like night events two weekends in a row. But he's said numerous times that we were a total failure as a couple, our relationship was awful, we weren't meant to be, you name it. Rude, yes. But I guess that's what you expect someone to think (if not say) if they're committed to moving on and getting past the breakup (and/or if they want to be sure they're not conveying the impression that they want to rekindle). He's also said that he screwed up, that he was confused, overwhelmed, didn't know how to respond to the cancer thing, equated sex with closeness and tried to force it because he could feel we were drifting apart, you name it. Lame, yes, but maybe progress that he can admit he made mistakes.
So, I don't know what I'm thinking here. Part of me was just so relieved to have contact with him again, even just cordial, friendly, I know some day I could pick up the phone and he'd answer contact, that I felt this anxiety lifted. I don't hold grudges, I don't cut people out of my life, it's hard to think I'd never talk to him again. I thought, sure, I can do friendship.
But, then, frankly, I started down the "maybe he'll make it all up to me and we can reconcile, maybe he's changed and I can love him again" path. Because I still have strong feelings for him, and am still attracted to him. Last weekend, at dinner and on the phone, he started crying, too, as we talked - maybe he still has strong feelings for me. I don't know, I was hoping that he was trying to change, trying to rebuild my trust through friendship, that he wants me back. But he's like the sphinx, I cannot get a read on him, I have no idea what his intentions are. So, I should just say that I don't care what he wants, and be done with it. And I don't want to reconcile with the guy I left. But maybe I want to see if he can show me that he's learned a lesson. Anyway, here's where everyone's right and I'm stupid.
We've been exchanging friendly emails all week. We have been sending each other links to personality tests at tickle.com, I thought to be cute and also as a getting to know you better let's reconnect sort of thing. So, in my own silly way, I was sharing personality test results with him as a gesture of intimacy and trust. And I got slapped down for it. Not in a rude way, he didn't say anything mean, but his response was a very firm, very distant, almost clinical, it's interesting that you're that way but it means nothing to me and you're doing such a great job "moving on in your personal life." And whenever I get some message that hints at rejection from him, that hints at him policing the boundaries of "friendship," even if it's something I'd think was nothing at all from an actual friend, it just hits me so hard, my face gets instantly flushed, and I get all trembly. I am so not ready to put myself in a position to be hurt and rejected by him. God, I left him, why does it make me feel rejected? I'm so stupid. You were all right. It was easier last weekend, when I was fueled with residual anger at him, when I was in the position of power as the dumper, when I just couldn't believe the line he was feeding me, when I had done a much better job than him of moving on with my life and achieving my personal goals. But I feel like I've weakened, like I've given him the upper hand or something, and it just hurts so much to hear him talk like we can *never* be anything more than friends, since I allowed myself to be deluded into thinking he wasn't just messing with my head, that he was in my life again for some reason besides his selfish crap.

My ex as well sets boundaries in his emails. For example: "I do miss you and still think about you but I guess we do need to move on" I read that as I miss you but don't think it really means anything for us.
Quite frankly, I am not even sure why he feels the need to keep telling me he misses me. Maybe it is some misguided attempt at making me feel better.
Anyway, as long as you aknowledge that the two of you are looking for different things, it is probably best to keep contact to a minimum. I am not sure how two people go from being exclusive lovers to best buds in a matter of months. And not to bust on your ex, but it seems that he still has issues with selfishness. Good Luck
Lois
You can't chunk change called "work, effort, sacrifice, and tolerance" into him thinking eventually you'll punch a button and out will come what it is you desire and want.
And you can't mold, shape, form, and harden him into what you want and need - based on work, effort, sacrifice, and tolerance either.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Perhaps this is further proof of your X's selfishness. If he wants you back, then he should be explicit about that. If he just wants to be friends, then he should also be clear about that AND give you the space & time you need to get over him. It's not about him wanting someone to do stuff with on the weekends. This is about YOU now... and you have better things to do than play mind games with him.