Everything is gone....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Everything is gone....
5
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 2:47pm
I'll start from the beginning...

Me and my ex-fiance had been together for 4 1/2 years. We've been through everthing together. 5 months after we started dating, I got pregnant. We were both 18, and knew we weren't ready to be parents. So, I went in and had an abortion. On top of that, he had had a one night stand before he met me, and that girl had just had his baby 3 months before and he had decided that he wanted nothing to to with that child either.

Thing were going great, and about 2years int the relationship, he decided that he wanted to start seeing the child that he had from the one night stand. We called up the mother, and she agreed to let us start to see him. He was still living with his parents at the time, and I was living with mine. So, we decided to rent a house in the country so we would have enough room for the new little family we had.

About 2 monts after moving into this house, the mother of the child decided she wanted to move to Kentucky. We are form Minnesota, and let me tell you, that is one hell of a drive. After the mother decided this, we acted quickly.

I went to work the next day and called 12 different lawyers who told me we had no case, and didn't want to help a couple of 20year olds. I suppose they didn't want to take us seriously. I finally found a lwyer that would take our case, and got temporary custody of his son before she left the state.

After a year we finally gained full custody of his son.

Again, everything was going great. I felt wonderful. The Christmas before we got custody, he had proposed, an I remember that as the happiest time in our relationship.

Now, it's a year and a half later, and my world has fallen apart.

At the end june, I went in for surgery. I had my mom take me as she worked nights, as it was more convenient for her to take me then have him take off work. I stayed at my mom's house for the next 2days, so she could help me on and off the furniture.

On Friday, July 2nd. I called him to come and pick me up to bring me home. He told me I couldn't come home. He stopped by a little later, and dropped off some clothes. I asked if he could sit and talk, but he said his son was in the truck and he had to get going as his son's mother was coming to pick him up for the weekend.

The next few days were rough. I called him on the 4th of July, and asked if I could come over to the house to talk, as we were to move all of my stuff out the next day. I got to his house around 7pm and he said he didn't have time to talk as he was going to pick up his son and take him to the fireworks with some friends. I asked if I could go with and of course, he told me no.

I called him just a few minutes after he left to see if he would have time to talk with me after the fireworks, I asked where he was, and he said he was picking up "something" at his freiends house. He agreed to talk with me when he got home.

He finally came home about 1am. He put his son to bed, and I asked if there was any way that we could stay together. he said no, that he had been unhappy for the last 6 months, and just wanted it to end. That night he slept on the couch, and I slept in the bed.

The next day, my family came over, and moved all my stuff out of the house. I was headed back to live with my mom and dad. It took about a week before I finally called him. he said he was to busy, and was having dinner with Jessica, the girl down the road.

I was devastated, but he assured me that he and Jessica were not dating, or doing anyhting, because she had a boyfriend. Being the snoop that I am, I called her so-called-boyfriend, and asked him if he knew what was going on. The "boyfriend" informed me that Jessica had broken up with him about 2 weeks before this. I was "pissed" to say the least.

I called "HIM" up as soon as I got off the phone with the "boyfriend". Told him he needed to meet me somewhere and come clean. I told him to bring his truck with, as it was in my name, and I was getting everything that belonged to me. Long story short on this part, the police were called to a domestic dispute at my parents house. He had pushed me a few times and I had had enough. Before he left, he still had the balls to tell me that him and Jessica were only friends.

The next day, he came over with his parents, and they made him come clean to me. Turns out

the night he told me I couldn't go home, he had gone on a date with Jessica, and that night that he went to the fireworks and had to pick "something" up, it was her. He even asked if he could have the engagement ring he had given me so he could ask her to marry him.

After he left, and NO I didn't give him the ring. I went downstairs to my room and started going through my things. I came apon a pregnancy test that hadn't been used. For laughs and giggles, I used it. It was positive.

I called him up the next day, and he insisted I come over to discuss how we should handle this. I told him I wanted to have the baby, and he broke down, called Jessica, and she came over in a rage because he had broken up with her to be there for me and the baby. he took Jessica outside, and when he came back in, he insisted that I was lying and that I should leave until I had proof. About a week later, I went to the doc and brought home some ultrasounds. I was 4 weeks along.

He said he had made up his mind, and that if I had the baby, I would have to raise it on my own, as he wouldn't be there. But, he also told me that if I had another abortion, he would be there for me. So, I did the stupid thing and did it for him.

After my second abortion, i called him up to let him know I was home and could use a little support. he told me he was at the fair, and didn't have time for me. he also said I could never see him or his son again. My whole family was taken away from me in that moment.

It's been about 3 weeks now, and I don't know why, but I still want to be with him. I know, It's stupid, but I love him, and he and his son were my family, and my whole life. I don't want to be alone.

Can anyone give me some advice on what to do? I went to his house yesterday to get some mail, and his whole house is different, Jessica has a 7 month old daughter, and the house looks like one big playpen. It hurt like hell to know that I couldn't have his baby, but a one night stand left him with a son, and a whorelike Jessica could bring her child into his life.

What do you suggest?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 7:34pm
That story was painful to read. It is amazing that females still have the power to love those who have totally crushed them. We think with our hearts and not our brains. But in this case, you really need to tell the heart to be quiet. Your ex does not sound like a good guy. He may have been... but he is not. And face it... would you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is so mean and wishy washy? I would hope not.

You need to cut ALL contact with him. There is really no reason that you need to see him anymore. Start spending time on yourself. Cash in that ring and by something that would make you happy. As long as you continue to see this guy, he will continue to bring you down. It is not worth it.

Just stay busy and you can start your new life without him.

Take care and stay strong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 12:48am
You've really been through a lot, esp. with having had two abortions, so it's perfectly understandable that you're hurting right now.

I'm in total agreement with the first person who answered your post. He has moved on and now you need to do the same. Just remember -- if he could treat you so coldly after all you've been through together over the last 4.5 years, and leave you for someone else that he hardly knew, then trust and believe you're definitely better off without him. I know the two of you were engaged to be married, but if it had to end, better that it end before having to go through the added pain and expense of a divorce.

So please, for the sake of your own mental health, well-being and dignity, just sever all ties with him and move forward. Forget him.

Focus on the future and building a new life for yourself.

((Hugs)))

Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 8:43am
It's hard to sever all ties. I still want to have a relationship with his son, I've helped raise him, and known him just as long as his father has. That is the only real reason I still keep in contact with him. My parents, as well want to have a realtionship with his son. They have treated them like their own for so long.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 10:05am
I completely understand your desire to keep in touch with his son. The only thing you can do is try to remain on good terms with him (not seeking for a renewal of your relationship but stressing *ONLY* your love for his son and desire to remain a part of his life).

But keep in mind, the final decision rests with him. If he doesn't want you or your parents in his son's life or to remain in contact with him, there really isn't much you can do about it.

Take care,

Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sat, 08-21-2004 - 12:27pm
(((Hugs))) Sweetie...I know this has been hard. He seems like a big jerk....I'm sorry to say....anybody that can take advantage of you going for surgery and cheat on you...is just low and you need to see him for what he is. Check in to your state's laws there might be somthing about getting visitation of his son but I'm not for sure. Other than that I would try and have no contact with him and try and pull yourself together. Good luck and keep us posted.
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