everything was great, until last night??

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Registered: 12-22-2005
everything was great, until last night??
7
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 3:50pm

I started dating a great guy 2 mos ago. Things were wonderful, V-day was romantic and fun. Well, last night I go over there and we make love. I tell him I love him. He tells me he isn't sure how he feels about me. We break up b/c he feels at this point he should be "head over heels" and isn't. I don't get it. I never saw this coming. We were getting close; things were great. I talked to him today and said that things seemed to end abruptly and for no reason. He couldn't give me a concrete reason. We said (he agreed) we'd take a few days to think about things.

What is going on? What can I do?

Gal Blondie

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 4:07pm

Oh, no, I'm sorry to hear that! I know you were really excited about this guy.

I may be remembering incorrectly, but my recollection is that this moved really fast, am I remembering that right? If so, then I think this type of behavior (sudden breakups that appear to come out of the blue) often go with moving fast at the beginning. If a guy moves very quickly at the beginning, it's often a sign that he has unrealistic, fantasy views of love and relationships and therefore his relationships tend to end just as quickly and suddenly, as soon as they start to become "real" (which is inevitable). So now I'm always very cautious about getting involved with anyone who comes on strong and wants to go fast at the beginning, because I know it's a red flag.

It's also common behavior for people who have commitment issues--I know that seems like a contradiction in terms but it's true. Have you read "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter? That does a good job of explaining the mentality--but it's based in the same type of fantasy thinking.

If you back off and let him know you're disappointed and confused by his decision but you'll respect it, he *may* come back around (as soon as the perceived "pressure" is off--I use that in quotes because any pressure is only in his head) but that doesn't mean things will work out in the long run, because he may not have a healthy, realistic view of relationships.

Sheri

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Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 4:19pm

Simply put, he was having fun and you "got serious" on him.

Myspace Codes

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Registered: 12-22-2004
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 5:13pm

Oh honey, I know exactly what you're going through. The guy I have been seeing for 3 months broke it off last night because he's overwhelmed and scared. He's scared of it working, he's scared of it not...and the hardest part for us is walking away and not demanding answers. Frankly, they might not have the answers. My guy is just overwhelmed being a single parent, he's in Paramedic school, stressed about his job and money, and we were just too much too fast for him.

So instead of stepping back and slowing down, he just quit. Gave up.

We made love Monday morning and by Monday night at 6pm we were offically not a couple. It sucks...and its hard.

Maybe just back away and give him some time - and try to have a conversation with him after a few days have passed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 6:18pm

I agree with the previous posts 100%. Been there too and very recent. It does suck. Kind of leaves you with a million questions. I wouldn't fight him for answers, though. It will drive him away. He may just need some time to think about things. And as much as I'm sure you're dying to have a conversation with him to discuss things I would leave it up to him to contact you.

More likely than not he wasn't ready to hear the L word and he probably thinks that if he ends things now, he won't have to deal with so many tears later. Leave him be and I think you have a good chance of him coming around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
Wed, 02-21-2007 - 2:40pm
I am so sorry to hear that. Have you spoken to him since? K and I said we'd take a few days, but then I thought about it and got angry, take a few days for him to think over if he wants to be with me or not? So I told him not to worry about it last night. I then rethought things this morning and left him a message telling him I did want to talk, but no pressure, when he's ready he can call. I then deleted his number from my phone. Ia m really hoping he comes around. I really care for him.

Gal Blondie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 6:47pm

Hi Sandra Dee,

It was nice to hear from you, thanks for the support. I feel like I am falling for him, and I don't need to have him be head over heels in love with me right now, b/c I don't feel that I am head over heels. I think it was maybe a communication breakdown, but am disappointed that it had to end b/c of that. He did care for me.

So, I called today while he was in class, to tell him that I could drop his things off to him since my new job is 10 min. away from him, and i could pick mine up as well, and I hope he is well. He did call me back, but did not leave a message (I saw his number on caller ID and I was in the gym when he called).

How do I *or do I* bring things up when I return his call? Do I wait to see if he brings it up? My feeling is, he may not. He is the kind of guy that sometimes acts defensive and stubborn when he can't articulate what he wants to say. I WOULD absolutely be OK with him not yet "loving" me, b/c I do think that we feel close to eachother, maybe just communicate differently. I also think it is and could develop into stronger feelings over time. I just don't know how to proceed at this time. I'm feeling disappointed, but definitely grounded. More than anything, baffled.

Any ideas? Thank you in advance.

Gal Blondie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 6:51pm

Hi Autumn,

Thank you for the response. How is your situation going? Any word?

I waited a few days and then called him to say that I would be happy to drop his things off to him this weekend after work, since I work at a new learning center, just about 10 minutes away from him. He did call back, but not leave a message. I am not sure if I should say anything, or just make arrangements to bring his things to him. I also thought about giving it another week and then bringing his things to him, my reasoning being that that way he would (and I would) have a little more time to collect our thoughts.

Any thoughts about this?

Hugs and keep me updated on your situation, too : )

Blonde

Gal Blondie