the ex
Find a Conversation
the ex
| Tue, 03-28-2006 - 11:10am |
Hey all! I haven't ever posted before, but i have read many messages .. i am really hurt right now and need some advice. I'll try my best to explain my situation without making it a whole lot to read. Well, I met this guy at the end of January, we had an amazing 3 weeks together ... i felt like i was falling for him. But he had to go home on leave (he is in the military) i was a bit worried because he would be seeing his ex girlfriend of 4 years when he went home ... they broke up while he was over seas because she cheated on him several times with 6 different guys and not to mention she practically moved in with one of the guys. he tried to assure me that there were no feelings for her, and he was completely into me. well, we broke up while he was on leave ... we argued a lot over the phone and i dont really know why. well, when he got back we saw each other and started hanging out again ... it was almost like he never left! everything was perfect once again! Especially this past week, we have been pratically inseparable! Saturday we went to a house party at his bosses house, then sunday we didnt move from the bed all day, we just watched movies and we did the same thing on monday. Sunday we told each other we loved each other and we talked a lot about taking a weekend vacation to florida. I have never been happier, seriously! I've been married before, and yet, at this point in our relationship i have stronger feelings for this guy than I did for my ex-husband!!! Well, I didn't mention that on Saturday night he got extremely drunk, I didn't though because I wanted to be able to watch out for him. When we got home that night he passed out, and I just hung out. my cell phone ended up going dead and without thinking I decided to use his phone to call my sister. When I did, I saw that he had called his ex and she had called him, several times the past few days. This had peaked my interest, so I read his text messages, and there was a few from her saying "I miss you", "I love you", and stuff like that. Then I looked in his picture gallery, and there she was. A few of her and him, some in her underwear .. it was dated from when he was on leave. I could feel my heart drop! He had lied, he told me he didn't hang out or see her when he was home on leave! I wanted to talk to him about it right then, but he was passed out. So, I went to bed and figured I would talk about it the next morning. Well, morning came and I was just to caught up in the moment. He had told me he loved me that morning and I was on cloud nine! I went home that afternoon to shower and I thought about things. I figured I could get over the fact he was with her on leave because we weren't together, I could get over the fact he lied about it because he probably just didn't want to hurt me even though we weren't together, but what i was concerned about was the fact he was continuing to talk to her! So I came back and we hung out and later that evening we were kissing, and I couldn't kiss him with the thoughts in my mind, so i decided to bring it up. It was an awkward conversation .. but in the end, it was him breaking it off with me????? How it turned to that, I don't know??? I went home that night and we talked on the phone for 2 hours, he said he wanted to talk about it in person, so i went back. We didn't say anything, except held each other, and fell asleep, it was 3am! The next morning it was like it never happened, he didn't say anything about it. We just cuddled, kissed and watched movies. But I eventually had to get going because he had some errands to run, so it came up! He said he still loved her, but wasn't in-love with her. But he cared! He said he couldn't stop talking to her, he didn't feel it was right to me if he missed her at times and talked to her. I told him he will always care and love her, as I will with my ex husband, but there is a difference of love or in-love .. and it wouldn't bother me if he talked to her from time to time if he was with ME and in love with ME! but in the end, he broke it off. I was confused, it was like one minute he is totally in love with me, and wants to be with me and yada yada yada the next minute I find out his secret and he breaks it off?!!?! He said even though she cheated on him and he knows he needs to get over her, he for some reason cant let her go? Later in the night we talked on the phone for hours, I told him how my ex-husband cheated on me, and it was like I was giving him support to move on. I told him he needs to let go of the past and how great things were because for somebody to not only cheat on you once, twice, but 6 times -- it says something about their feelings on the relationship. I told him he needs to take the pride he has left and move on, he deserves better! Somebody will love him one day enough not to even thing about touching the opposite sex. I know he wants to forget about her and move on, he told me sooo many times, but its like he cant. She continues to bother him and call him, she tells him she will change. He said he would feel ashamed if he would get back with her, so he doesn't think he will, but at the same note he doesn't know what he wants. I told him I know how hard it is to let go of something that had such a big impact on your life, 4 years is a long time, but I told him he is still young, and there are several relationships out there that last longer than 4 years and still end up not together. I told him its a lot of work to have a 4 year relationship and its a lot of work to get over it too. In the end of the conversation it was like I opened a door for him .. he could see that he shouldn't take it anymore and he should move on. So, I dont know why I really came to his board ... I guess just for some support. I love this guy, I love him a lot! I feel crushed and empty without him!!!!! What do I do? Should I let him go, let him figure things out with her? Or do I continue to talk to him, as a friend, and help him get over the cheating and help him see that he should move on? Should I hold on to the hope that one day he will get over her? I have never felt happier with somebody before, and I know I want to be with him without a doubt ... and I know some of the best things are worth fighting for ... but how hard do I fight without feeling pathetic or looking desperate? I appreciate any advice! Sorry this was so long ... Thank you

Pages
RUN, don't walk, away from this guy. Hon, he's got honey in two places and he's not giving it up. Some of this will be really hard for you to hear.
He's still emotionally attached to her and you can't wean him away from her hold over him. My guess is on some level, he like the drama of her cheating, making up, sharing, hanging out with her, because his EGO demands that she prove he's better than all those other guys. Neither of them sound mature enough to be in a long-term committed relationship.
You can only save yourself. Only you can decide your self-worth and know and believe that YOU deserve better. You had proof that he lied and inappropriate pictures and you chose to ignore those and instead allowed yourself to be distracted from the truth all because he said 'I love you' - well, words are cheap, but if he's not backing them up with action (not seeing her, not calling her, really breaking it off)....then he doesn't mean it. Instead he manipulates you into seeing his point-of-view by comparing the situation to that of you and your ex. Let me ask you, do you send your ex pictures of you in your underwear? Do you talk to him all the time? Do you hang out with him?
My concern is that it's very easy for people to go into denial and think of things in their head to excuse someone's inappropriate behavior in the name of love. My other concern is STD's - if she's cheated on him at least 6 times and he's still having unprotected sex with her and with you, well, I'm sure you get the picture.
::He said even though she cheated on him and he knows he needs to get over her, he for some reason cant let her go?
Here's the thing, he's not emotionally ready too. It takes different people different amounts of time to heal.
:: I know he wants to forget about her and move on, he told me sooo many times, but its like he cant. She continues to bother him and call him, she tells him she will change. He said he would feel ashamed if he would get back with her, so he doesn't think he will, but at the same note he doesn't know what he wants.
He feels more for her than he's telling you. He is lured by her promises, because he oh so wants it to be true. If he wanted to be done with her, he'd stop taking her calls - but trust me, he likes the attention, it stokes his ego.
::Or do I continue to talk to him, as a friend, and help him get over the cheating and help him see that he should move on? Should I hold on to the hope that one day he will get over her?
This will be hard to hear...but here goes. If you stay, even as a friend, hoping he will some day get over her, someday that he will want to only be with you, (trust me on this) you will wake up one day when the drama, the ego-driven need to 'win' him will be gone and you will wonder, cry, have doubts and be angry that he couldn't have gotten over her sooner, been more fully in the relationship with you sooner and you will wonder about your own self-worth at that point. Wonder what was wrong with you that he couldn't love you in that moment (months, years ago - depending on how long it takes for him to get over her). You can't be the handrails for him and allow him to use you as an emotional crutch to get over her.
It hurts now, you feel empty now, but trust me if you wake up a month from now or a year from now, you will be really upset at the time you wasted holding on to false hope and denying the truth of your situation with him.
Truly, I am sorry you have to go through this pain.
Edited 3/28/2006 1:08 pm ET by itwinflame
Carrie
I have to say I completely agree. I think you are only going to get hurt if you stay. These things can go on for a long time until he and his exgf really figure it out. It sounds like a roller coaster ride for them, and you really don't want to be on the same ride. You deserve so much more!
I was in a very casual relationship with a guy last Oct/Nov, he had been out of a 5 year relationship for over 6 months, and swore to me that he was over her. I believed him. Well, about a month after we started, he realized he still did have feelings for her he wanted to pursue, so we ended things. Almost 6 months later, they're still in limbo - not exactly together, but not exactly apart. He says he is still "confused" and obviously emotionally unavailable. It's so frustrating, but there's really nothing to do. It's not your fault, and certainly not a reflection of you, but that doesn't make it any easier for you to get over.
Hang in there,
Hello. I felt compelled to write to you b/c my ex husband is now remarried as I am too. We were married for 5 years and have been divorced for 3 years. I divorced him b/c he got involved with a scheme at his job and went to prison for it.
He was gone for 18 months and I moved on. Keep in mind too that he had lied to me soooo many times during our marriage that I just had to sever the marriage. Anyhow, since he has been out, for almost 2 years now, he continues to keep in contact with me. He will call me, even though I have changed my number he will find a way to get it.
He continues to tell me he loves me and always tells me he should've never got married b/c she is nothing like me and he just doesn't really love her. He says he compares her to me all the time and says that he thinks of me constantly & I beleive him. I have allowed him to confuse me in my present marriage and even toyed with the idea of getting back together with him, but I realized that I would be taking a giant step backwards and also when I was with him and used to think about the qualities I wish he did have, I described my present husband!!!
Anyway, my point is this.......This man certainly needs time to heal, not only from their break-up but from her cheating too. He is not able to provide you with a stable relationship right now. You don't want to be like my ex's new wife, the rebound, the constant comparing of her to you,him thinking of her while he is with you. See, my ex got out of jail and started a relationship with her before he got over us. He thought it would help him, but he never gave himself time to heal and therefore when the newness of that relationship wore off, he saw it for what it was....a rebound.
I'm not saying that you are in fact a rebound, but you could be if you jump into this in a serious way right now. Be his friend, keep your distance a little, he will respect you more for it and ultimately want you more because of it when the time is right.
Remember every break up is a loss even if the relationship was bad, and everybody heals differently and I don't belive there is a right or a wrong way to heal, so with that being said, just let him deal and heal!!!
Good Luck sweetie!
Hugs,
so confused...
i have been in the same situation as you. the guy i was dating for while was in the same predictament as your guy--still having thought about his ex, they dated for about a year or year and a half, they both hurt each other a lot, she especially cheated on him, but yea even when he and i were doing really well..she would stick her head in the picture, stir things up , and he let it. and he has gone back and forth between no i dont want to be with her bc she hurt me so bad to them "talking" again to back to no i dont want her. its soo emotionally hurting for me. we ended up breaking up last fall and she has still been in the picture, like you said he is still in limbo with her--not together but not apart either.
its so hard bc i want to be the one that he wants to be with and i have never done anything to ever hurt him or anger him, yet he is still blinded by her that he actually agreed with her to stop hanging out with me for a lil while so that they can work on trust with each other (which i think is whole lot of crap) and keep him away from situations with me where somehting could or would happen between us...
im so hurt:(
haha i cant believe how similar our stories are...argg just tells you that there are many jerks in the world!
yeah his ex has such control over him, and you just want to slap him in the face! and i agree with remaining the cool, laid back ex...but what do you do if they try to contact you? talk to them or just ignore them?
like for instance i talked to my ex on monday night and didnt talk to him yesterday, and i know he is going out of town for a few days and will be coming back the day that i leave for a few days. and i have already deleted him from my phone so i cant call him when he is out of town, and i dont knwo if he going to be online or anything. this is a guy that i has been in my life for over a year and a half, and i am used to talking to him on a daily basis. and now its like nothing bc i am mad at him and he probably doesnt want to talk to me bc i will probably get upset with him...its a no-win situation!
guess i just need to stay strong, but i know he is having family issues and i know he needs a friend to be supportive, but its like i hurt to much...i have been having these horrible mental images of him and his ex going at it...it pains me so much! :(
but i talked to him last night, and i know now there is no chance we would ever get back together now ... he hates me!!!! :( see monday night when we talked on the phone, when i felt like i opened his eyes that he should move on .. we got off the phone good, i really felt like he might see things in a new light now .. i went to bed that night hoping he would sleep on the things i said and think about them the next day, then call me and be my prince charming and tell me he realizes he deserves better and wants to make things work with me .......... no! things went completely the other way! he called me tuesday evening when he was off work ... see i still have this really expensive jacket of his that he wants back, so we are trying to figure out how and when to exchange it. anyway, so he called 2 times and i didn't answer, i was busy, when i called him back he was already upset with me because he thought i was avoiding him ... but we told each other what we had done that day and i told him i went to lunch with some friends, he wanted to know who, i told him it really didn't matter, and that made him mad. so i told him who they were (they were just friends) and hes like i don't even know why i cared, then he said he was waiting for me in the civic center parking lot (that's the arena where we have hockey games, and there was a hockey game last night) he said he wanted me to give him the jacket back before the game, i told him he would be waiting an hour because the game wasn't to start till then ... he wasn't to happy. then i told him it would be better if he just went back home and i would call him after the game, because i really didn't want to see him before the game. i told him it would probably upset me, and i would really rather wait a day or 2 till when i know i can see him without missing him ... if i was to see him tuesday i would still miss him, i would want to hug him and not let him go, kiss him and all that stuff that i shouldn't do .. it told him if i waited a day or two i wouldn't be over him, but i wouldn't miss him (if that makes any sense?) well that made him mad, he was pissed ... he started calling me immature and all this other stuff :( well, see i have this problem, when i get mad, or hurt, i get defensive. i begin to say things out of anger, i say hurtful things .. so in the heat of the argument i said "you have the nerve to call ME immature?" and he said "well, you don't want to give me my jacket" and I was like "I'm not the immature one, i don't go around leading people on telling them i love them, just to break it off the next day" so we argued a little more and he said "i hope for the next guy you date, you stop this immature fighting and learn not to lash out when your mad" and my dumb self goes "well i hope for the next girl you date, you are completely over your ex so you don't lead her on, and that's if there is a next girl -- if you stay with your ex then i hope for your sake she doesn't get bored with you again and cheat on you again" eeeeeek! (honestly when i told my sister and best friend what i said, they laughed about it, but now looking back -- that was pretty harsh) so he was like "f**k you, and hung up!" well i was really mad, and i was running late to the game, so i ran out of the house, forgetting his jacket! I text-ed him when I got to the game and told him I forgot his jacket and I would call him after the game. So after the game I text him and asked him if he was so desperate to get the jacket back tonight i would meet up with him ... he was saying things like he didn't want to talk to me, he practically hated me, and all this other stuff. i told him i never meant to hurt him, what i said when i was mad was pretty much what i said last night just came out in a different way. he said he didn't care about his jacket anymore and maybe one day in the future he will call me back to get it. i said he was being ridiculous and should just be able to talk to me as an adult instead of pout. he said he trusted me with the things that he told me monday night and it really paid off, i asked him how it paid off ...i asked if he was really mad at me or mat at himself? if hes mad because he wants to see things in a different way but cant and wont let himself? i asked if he was mad at me because i made sense and its hard to hear so he rather not talk to me to avoid the truth? and he was like "I'm just done ... that's it" and i asked "what do you mean" and he goes "now im sure i made the right choice, that's what i mean" and i said "ok, if that's what you really want in a relationship then im glad you are going with her because i could have never cheated on you! and if you want to be stupid about things then i guess you wont be getting your jacket back, so don't call me down the road expecting that i am still holding on to your jacket" he called me a minute later, we got into a heated argument. he said that i intentionally hurt him by telling him the things about his ex ... i told him i never meant to hurt him, that i was only hoping to make him realize. i told him i wish somebody would have said the things to me that i said to him when i was going through things with my ex husband, instead it took me a year to realize ... so i thought if i gave him some advice it would help him sooner. well that only pissed him off more, he was saying things like "i know my ex did some wrong things, but its in the past now, and she would never say hurtful things to me when we fight" i told him that he was trying to block out what she had done, that he may say it was in the past, but he cant deny it happened. he said after tonight I made him realize he really wants to be with her, because she makes him feel good, and doesn't fight with him he way i do. i told him it wasn't like me to fight this way, but i have a lot of hurt and anger built up that i couldn't help but be hurtful. he said he didn't care about me anymore, he didn't even like me, he said that he now doubts if the feelings were real for me and thinks they might be an illusion. once again, i could feel my heart break in two. here is this guy, that i still love, who once told me he loved me, now telling me he never did!!!!!! i snapped! i lashed out! i told him that he and his ex deserved each other, they were both immature and needed to grow up and until each did, they are going to go on hurting each other .. he couldnt hear this so he hung up on me. i text him and said to forget about his jacket, he wouldn't be getting it back ever, he text me back saying i was pathetic .. i said "as are you, but honestly your opinion doesn't matter to me anymore. i have completely let you go, i know thats what you wanted from the start but i finally woke up to see the real situation at hand, and the real you"
well that was the end of it, i didn't hear back from him last night and i don't think i will ever hear back from him again ... sorry i wrote so much, but i feel at this moment i have nobody else to talk to that understands the real pain im in! i feel when i write this stuff out, that I'm releasing it, its not following me around all day and night and the next day. to hear other women tell me supportive things, really helps!!! but anyway, angelnat424, i guess my guy wont be coming back to me either! :( it hurts, but i just don't see it ever happening. i will miss him terribly, i loved him! but i guess not every love is meant to be "the one" so i have to stick the pieces of my heart back together and hold my head up and just walk (or run) away :( im sorry for you other ladies who are going through the same thing as me, i guess i can truly say that i know how you feel! it sucks! thank you again for everybodys help and kind words! and once again, I'm sorry for always writing so much! :(
Pages