ex boyfriend is confusing me!!!
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| Mon, 08-29-2005 - 10:49am |
Hello all...this time I really need some help as I hope you guys will give me some insight. Well where do I start (i will try to make it short I promise). Me and my bf were together for nearly 2 years when he broke up with me on the 3rd of this month (on our 1yr and 11month anniversary, may i add). Our relationship has never been very good to begin with, that I know. When we first started dating, he was nearly obsessed with me. He wanted to be with me 24/7..always wanted me to sleep over, he stopped seeing his friends, etc. etc. We moved in together 6 months into our relationship. Needless to say, things went downhill. First off, my parents started hating him. They want nothing to do with him, he isnt aloud at my house, they refuse to even say his name..for no reason,..just cause I moved in with him and they think I am ruining my life. So this has been very hard on him throughout our whole relationship.. which I do understand. Apart from that, we have had trust issues (he doesnt trust me), as well as a serious lack of respect on his part (calling me names, etc. etc.) When we lived together, things were not that good. We started fighting ALL the time over the stupidest things..dishes, laundry etc. Also, we have quite a different lifestyle.. I like to go out, he prefers to stay home and "relax" ALL THE TIME. So this has caused alot of conflict over him being upset if I see my friends, getting jealous for no reason, not trusting me, etc. etc. But at the same time, we still love each other very much. Well a few months ago we made the decision to move out and live with other people. We aggreed that our relationship will end if we continue to live together. So we moved out. And throughout the whole month of july, he never wanted to do ANYTHING. Its summer, so I always wanted to go camping, or go do some type of activity, go out with friends, but he basically refused to leave his new appartment, giving me random excuses as "i have to clean, i have to do laundry, but u can come over if you want"... So after spending 3 weekends in a row at his place doing absolutely nothing, I got fed up. I told him I wasnt happy..this wasnt supposed to happen like this. Us moving out was supposed to improve our relationship.. at least thats what I thought. I thought that if we didnt live together anymore, we would be more excited to see each other, and he would make more of an effort to do stuff with me. Well I was wrong. I told him this was bothering me, and his answer was "Im sorry, i just have a hard time caring right now...". He basically told me he wasnt motivated to try to make our relationship work anymore, but that he still loved me and it will pass. Well I got fed up, and eventually we broke up.
And now I am so confused I dont know what to do... For the first 2 weeks or so he called me all the time, telling me he misses me and wants to see me and wants us to be friends blablabla. Well I refused to see him, I thought that he needed time to figure things out. Well when I finally cracked, I spend a whole weekend with him, it was beautiful. We were intimate a few times, we held each other really close, he told me how much he loved me and misses me. But after everything was said and done, he told me that he didnt know what he wanted, and he wasnt sure if he still wanted us to be together. So we aggreed to "date" and see where it goes. Well, he didnt call me for a whole week when I finally called him again. He said he didnt want to hurt me even more by calling me. But he keeps on saying that he loves me and misses me... Last time I saw him was on thursday when we slept over. Afterwards, on friday he said he didnt want to see me. Then on saturday he called me 4 times, then when I fianlly called him back he never returned my call. On sunday I asked him if he wanted to see me, he said he will call me back but never did.... Should I just get the picture and move on?? Its just so hard because I now that he still loves me... and I adore him so much. He basically told me that he coudlnt be with someone whose parents dont accept him..and he said if I really loved him well I would have done something about it a long time ago.. but he doesnt understand that it will never change.. but if you love someone, who cares what their parents think right?? I just dont know anymore..I am so hurt and confused. I was his first real girlfriend, maybe he wants to be single and see what else is out there??? Should I wait for him..move on..try to get him back... PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!

I'm confused also...since the two of you are so obviously incompatible, why do you want to get back together? Love isn't enough...you have to be compatible too.
I think the parent issue is an excuse...it sounds like he recognizes that overcoming your incompatibility issues isn't very likely, so he's giving you a reason that you can't control or change.
Sheri
I have to agree with Sheri here - you two sound incompatible. However, I can relate a whole lot. My ex and I were together for the better part of two years and my parents totally ended up not liking him at all . We didn't move in together but were seriously talking about it.
Anyway, we broke up and got back together a few times and it was horrible. He would ALWAYS tell me he loved me and missed me and I believed him. In fact, I'm sure he did. He would also complain that my dad obviously hated him and that since he was catholic and me jewish that it was going to be so very hard.
Now lets look beneath the surface, shall we? He binge drank quite a lot, he lied to his friends and to me about the dumbest things. He also treated me like crap and took very little seriously. He never gave my friends a chance and if things were not HIS way then he wouldn't participate however I was supposed to participate on his side. ME? I am straightfoward, never lie, warm, and flexible and binge drinking was never a good date for me. And about my parents and friends not liking him.... THEY WERE RIGHT. They didn't like him (1) because they said there was just something about him they thought was off, (2) because he and I were in totally different leagues , and (3) they semi-witnessed how bad he was to me after about only 6 or seven months of dating. How can I blame them??? And each time I did get back with him they tried to cut him a break; there is no way they would have even turned a shoulder if he was a friend who acted like that. It was mainly because of respect for me and my choice.
Moral here??? I actually believed for such a long time that my parents and friends not liking him was a reason my ex was uncomfortable with me and that maybe if I only defended him more or presented him better than I had that things would have been better.
But the truth really is, no matter how much love we did have toward eachother, "WE" didn't work together. Relationships do require more than love and you have to be on the SAME page at the SAME time for it to be a go. My suggestion is for you to stop holding on to this guy because your energy may very well become so wasted as soon as he totally lets go of you. Dont wait until he is done!!! It sounds like he is preparing himself to be without you and you are in a state of flux wondering about him.
Dont wonder, let him go and start to heal. There is someone more on your level out there.
-isa
I was with my ex for 3 years and now that things have ended there are so many little things that are so clear now. He didn't treat me the way he should have and I have actually asked my best friend, "Why did you let me wait on him?"
Think about it. No matter how much you love him, OR he loves you, is it really worth getting back together with him?
Granted, I'm not happy right now, I'm still struggling (we only recently stopped talking) and it hurts bad. But I know that he doesn't deserve my heart because he will do nothing but break it, even if it is down the road after this new chance has worn off....
Good luck!
I think it was mentioned in the OP that the bf is also abusive (name-calling), controlling & jealous (doesn't trust you)...what exactly is it that you love about him? These behaviors are NOT ok and you should NEVER put up with it. You did not provoke it or make him behave this way. But you DID tolerate it for a time, thus telling him that it's ok to act this way.
It's the same with letting him string you along. My advice is to cut contact (I know, SO much easier said than done) and then do a little soul searching and try to figure out why you would stay with someone who called you names and didn't trust you. You may also want to seek counseling. It's my opinion that anyone in an abusive relationship needs to seek therapy in order to break the pattern and learn to love oneself (been there. it'll change your life).
I know this all sounds very pat, and simple, and I do realize that it's not at all. Please do all you can to take care of yourself, keep yourself busy, and surround yourself with those who *truly* love you, and show it in ALL they say and do.
Thanks for all the replies, you guys are great!!!!
Of course I know you are all right, I should just let it go and move on. Its just sooo hard!! But I know he is just taking advantage of me because he knows he can. He thinks I will always be there for him. I know that better then anyone because I did the same thing to my first boyfriend, a few years back. We broke up, and I wanted to be single for a while...for nearly two months I kept on playing with his emotions while he was running after me...I thought he would always be there. Well, when I finally made up my mind and came back to him, he refused to see me, found a new girlfriend, and they just got engaged !!! So there. Anyways, all that to say that I know he thinks he has the upper hand and I will prove him wrong. The more I think about it, the more us being apart makes sense!! I was reevaluating our whole relationship yesturday, and I came up with soo many reasons why we are not good together, I wonder how come we never broke up earlier...its kinda sad actually :-(. So i decided that I need to have a heart to heart with him, to make it officially over. I need to put this behind me..it will hurt, I will be a mess for a little while, but I need to pick myself up and move on with my life.
I used to think that if you love someone, then you need to hold on to them and make it work. But I was just being naive. What I learned most out of this is that sometimes, love just isnt enough. You have to have trust, communication, and respect. Love is just so superficial... thats why so many people get divorced. They marry because of love, how stupid! What about common goals, similar values, similar interests and lifestyles and upbringings??? Love will get you nowhere if you lack all of these things. It will just get you into a big mess. Unfortunately, we had none of those key elements. We are two completely different people. What attracted me to him ended up tearing us apart. His family is one thing... I mean, I cant expect someone who comes from such a super duper happy family to understand my weird up family. That is just unrealistic. Also, the base of our relationship was never strong enough to begin with. Its like if you start building a house over a broken down base, your house will eventually crumble. Stupid comparaison, i know, but thats what it feels like. He never trusted me. My parents didnt like him from the beginning, which definitely caused a big rift in our relationship. And, maybe I could have tried harder to fix it...but I didnt. WHY? Perhaps I didnt love him enough, or perhaps our relationship wasnt good enough or didnt make me happy enough to try to make it work.
Now that i look back, I can definitely see where things went wrong. He never respected me. He put me down and insulted me throughout our whole relationship. And because of this, I pushed him away. He never sat me down and told me how sorry he was. I dont even think he is sorry. After being told over and over how stupid, immature and dumb I am, it started to affect my self esteem seriously. And its weird, because I have always been very confident and secure in myself. But not while I was with him... I started thinking that I was never good enough. And I hate him for putting that in my head. I hate him for making me feel inferior to him. Your boyfriend is supposed to make you shine...a friend of mine said. Well he didnt...so I need to find someone who will!!!!
I was talking to this guy at work the other day, and he said something that really made a lot of sense. He said people would be so much happier if they stopped wasting time trying to fix others. People waste years of their lives in miserable relationships hoping things will change...and they never do. I definitely dont want to wake up at 45 years old next to a stranger that I call my husband..hell no. And I just realized that I have wasted way too much energy on someone who is just not worth it... I could have saved all that energy for someone else.. Anyways, I do feel alot better now. I just cant wait to talk to him and put this behind me once in a while...I hope I will be strong enough...