Ex boyfriend wants to be "friends"
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Ex boyfriend wants to be "friends"
| Tue, 09-18-2007 - 1:54pm |
hi -
I'm new here and fairly newly heartbroken, dumped almost a month ago by a man I had a 3 month rel'ship with.

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Yes, you are right Sheri. Trying to figure it out IS a waste of time. There were a couple of times he did speak up about something I said that bothered him or made him feel uncomfortable but I don't know if these were the reasons. They seemed rather minor to me, but when he brought them up, I thanked him for letting me know and that I would be careful to not say or do that again.
The thing I think I may have to apologize for is of a sensitive nature, and involves sex. I am afraid I may have pressured him or been too aggressive, or possibly have even made him feel inadequate. I'm not proud of my behavior and I think it came from coming out of a 4+ year rel'ship where there was NO sexual connection and with my current ex, there was an intense physical connection. The night he broke up with me he did say that the intensity of the physical stuff was giving him a lot of anxiety. I was so taken aback and dumbfounded by being broken up with that I did not ask him to elaborate that night. Alas, I wish I had. Although he may not have been truthful.
Other people have told me that he is HIGHLY sensitive so I worry that I scared him off, when in fact, I feel the times we had in bed were transcendent, and the best of my adult life. I did compliment him a lot but I'm afraid that some other stuff I said (I can't go into it here) really bothered him.
So there's nothing I can do, it's done. A VERY painful lesson. I don't think there's any getting around the pain I'm feeling. I am going on with life, doing what I normally do and trying to be happy but this one is going to take a long time to leave me I think.
I will stick with No Contact for now, meaning I will not make any overtures to him, other than being friendly and cordial to him at rehearsal.
But if he does suggest having a talk, I'm not sure what I'll do. Maybe it will help me to clear the air since we have to work together, and then I'll be able to move on. I worry that I may have to quit this musical project if this pain continues....and I'd not only be letting myself down, I'd be letting all the other people involved in the project down as well.
Girl, don't you dare apologize to him! Don't obsess and eat yourself up with guilt! He's not worth it, I promise. I can imagine how hard it is having to see him every week, but you're doing fine so far. Give yourself a pat on the back.
I think you've really got things figured out. It's not shame to admit that you can't handle seeing your ex. When I broke up, one of my friends repeatedly told me to suck it up and just deal with seeing him and on and on and on about how I needed to face my fears. Only, how she deals with things is not how I deal with things. I took 3 months off and frankly, if I never have to see him again, that would be too soon.
In terms of the brief contact...well, the only advice there is really, is to act with grace, so when you look back at it in 5, 10, 15 years, you can be proud of what a lady you were.
And the blame game, ah that blame game, is so so so so common. There are two things to keep in mind: I don't really believe a couple ever breaks up over one thing. That's not to add blame onto your shoulders, but not everything can be fixed with an apology about one single thing. And secondly, when someone doesn't speak up about what bothers them, they're sending out the message that things at the moment are working for them. It's really that simple. You can't change what you don't know about.
In terms of apologies, I think the first rule of court we learn as lifeguards is a good lesson. NEVER APOLOGIZE BECAUSE YOU'RE ADMITTING YOU'RE GUILTY - and it will come back to bite you in court. Suddenly the parent is scot-free for not keeping half an eye on their kid at the beach after you've frantically tried to safe his life after spotting him thrashing in the water. Why give him the satisfaction of thinking he's been perfect at all times in this relationship?
cheers
Susanna
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