ex is engaged

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2007
ex is engaged
4
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 1:57pm

Ex told me he was engaged yesterday through an instant message. So many emotions wash over me, but I cannot pinpoint exactly how I feel. I told him, congratulations - we're both in places where we're supposed to be. To which he has no reply.

Let me start from the beginning. Ex and I started dating while in college but we knew each other as kids. When we started dating, I did not know how controlling his mother is and how she has picked out a future for him - a future with a girl she has chosen, and their union would make his parents and community proud. His whole community had thought that someday he would marry this girl, and she was always waiting for him.

I developed a crush on EX, and he knew this and pursued after me for over 6 months before I finally gave in and went out with him. I had my reservations about him - he was very outgoing while I was shy. I wanted a serious relationship with goals of a family and career someday. He said he wanted the same.

Throughout our 3 year relationship, it was a roller coaster of emotions, fights, and break ups. He never once introduced me to his family and community. He rarely introduced me to his friends. He said we weren't "ready" and didn't want to be seen together. I didn't understand why, but I gave him his time and space and never pressured him. After 1.5 years of dating, he accidently spilled that his family expected him to marry another girl, and that's why he didn't want to introduce me to them. I cried and told him to marry her because I didn't want to stand in between them. He said that he didn't want to marry her but it was his family's wish. He continued to tell me that he loved me and that I was the only one who could make him happy.

Past forward to our senior year in college. His family accidently met me while I was invited over to a mutual friend's house. Their rudeness toward me was undeserved. They did not say hi or acknowledged me, even though I tried to make conversation to them. They seated me last at the table (far away from Ex of course) and purposefully did not serve me food all night. Then they talked badly about me when I left, saying that I was not good enough for Ex.

Ex listened to his parents and chose to spend all summer with them instead of me. He ignored our anniversaries and just stopped calling me altogether. After I cried my heart out the first month or so and listened to every sad song that I could think of, I told myself to snap out of it. I went out with friends and met someone new who truly loved me, and supported me throughout my graduate education. We're now engaged and planning a summer wedding.

I had never thought that life would turn out like this. I would be marrying a guy who was not my first love, and Ex is marrying the girl that he is supposed to marry. I had always wanted a career and family, and now I will have that. Ex's family had always wanted him to marry the girl they have picked out, and now he will. That's why I told him things turned out they way they should.

As much as I love my fiance, Ex still has a little place in my heart. When will it end? I don't love Ex anymore, and he does not make me happy. He stole something from me which I cannot ever get back - my innocence, my youth, my first kiss. He deceived and lied to me when we first went out, and throughout our relationship, that he would not marry the girl that his family has picked out for him. For those things, I cannot forgive him for putting me through all that unnecessary hurt. Because I cannot truly forgive, I have not been able to completely move on, and that is my goal before my wedding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: firstlove02
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 4:06pm

firstlove02...

Pianoguy doubts that ANYBODY forgets his or her first love....whether it turns out GOOD OR BAD?

But the plain and simple fact is your EX wasn't as committed to the relationship as YOU WERE! And there's no way to turn someone's head in your direction...if his heart ISN'T INCLUDED IN THE DEAL?

Try and move forward.........PLEASE???

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
In reply to: firstlove02
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 8:09pm

Hi there,

I went through something very similar. Long story short, two year happy, interfaith relationship.... talk and promises of marriage..... controlling mother and family..... ex-boyfriend broke up with me (many times) because they didn't like my religion. He was also my first love. The problems started over a year ago, but I recently finally decided to completely cut off contact with him. I couldn't take the "small talk" anymore.

As much as I did not want to hear these things from others during the break-up, they are all true. Your ex-boyfriend is a coward! He didn't have the guts to stand up for you and your relationship. I think its true, that if a person really wants to be with someone, they will do whatever it takes to make it happen. I know thats true, because I loved him so much I was even ready to convert (still not good enough). I was ready to do anything, he wasn't willing to comprimise or stand up for me and what we had.

Even if you did end up marrying him, can you imagine what it would be like dealing with his horrible family? They were incredibly rude to you and are very close-minded. Those types of issues could be overcome *ONLY IF* your ex was strong enough to stand up for you, which he obviously wasn't.

I know hard this must have been for you. But I'm happy to hear that you have a wonderful fiancee! I agree with pianoguy, I don't think we ever truly forget our first loves. However, your ex really let you down. I'm still waiting for my heart to heal, but I guess one day that will just happen on its own.

Best wishes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2007
In reply to: firstlove02
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 10:30pm

Yes, you know you need to let go of this in order to move on. Will it help to know that all of us could choose to see the let-downs in our past as regrets? We all have them. in one form or another..We can choose to view parts of our lives as "lost years," but without those years none of us would be where we are today. Is it "them" or yourself you need to learn to forgive -- i.e. forgiving yourself for ALLOWING yourself to be subjected to that situation?

You can't change the past. So your choice is to hold onto it and not move on and be bitter or let go of it and realize you are not alone in this...We have ALL made mistakes, been through bad things.

Don't let your past dictate the rest of your life.

I don't know if this helps. I sure hope you can go forward. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: firstlove02
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 1:49am

Welcome to the board firstlove02,


I'm going to break down part of your post hoping to change some of your perspective:


::Throughout our 3 year relationship, it was a roller coaster of emotions, fights, and break ups. He never once introduced me to his family and community. He rarely introduced me to his friends.


Why would you put up with this?