Ex, Friends and a MESS of a Party

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Ex, Friends and a MESS of a Party
2
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 2:20pm

Im having heart surgery this week, as I have posted before here.

I decided to have a party, celebreating life, my friends...a good feel party. I invited everyone I know, including people that normally dont talk to each other in hopes of having everyone begin to see that its time to put some water under the bridge.

It worked! 90% of the people that werent talking to each other reconciled and it felt great to see my friends BE friends again. All except for one.

My Best Friend. She knows everything about my recent break-up, the going back and forth with him. He out me through the ringer, but lately has been showing and expressing that he wants to reconcile with me and maybe start over. He was unsure about coming to the party knowing that she might be there, but came because he really wanted to clear things up with her and my friends, since Im going in for surgery and those two are the closest people I have in my life. I wanted some peace within my life with the two people that mattered most

turns out that she was soo pissed that he was there, she turned around and cut off my friendship with her, citing that it was too much, she didnt want to be around when the heatbreak happens again, for me never to call her. When she says these things, she is serious. I have seen here never talk to people again for smaller things. She thought that I let him stay over my house after the party, which was not true. He stayed to help clean then at my insistence, left.

I feel like she is making me choose...I love this man, and yes, He might hurt me since things are still up in the air...but isnt that what friends are for?? to be there for anything...anytime? regardless and non-judgemental? thats how I am with my friendship. I dont want to choose.. I love them both and my ex really does love and care about and things are going well. I love my friend, she is my confidant, my other half. I am soo lost. She blocked my emails, and wont accept my calls!

any advice???

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 2:39pm

I'm sorry that happened to you, but I can see her point, too. Sometimes you just *can't* watch a friend make the same mistakes over and over...it just hurts too much.

No, I don't think friendship is (or should be) completely unconditional. If you see a friend doing things you strongly feel are self-destructive, then sometimes caring about them means that you can't be there for them any more until they stop the behavior.

I'm not saying that your behavior is clearly self-destructive, but if she feels it is, she may feel she has no choice but to withdraw.

But her timing could have been better, that's for sure.

Unfortunately there's really nothing you can do...it sounds like she has made her choice. You might try writing her a letter, but recognize that she may not respond or even read it.

I'm sorry...this isn't what you need right now, and it's unfortunate that she couldn't put her feelings about your involvement with your ex aside at least until after your surgery, but apparently she just wasn't capable of doing so. Try to be empathetic with the fact that she reached her limit, if you can.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 3:39pm

WOW - so she only wants a friendship with you on HER terms? When you behave in a manner acceptable to HER, when you make decisions that she deems correct?

Sorry, she may not want to watch you go through a possible break up/heartache again, but there are other things in the friendship besides talking about HIM and how you feel about him AND he did try to make amends with her, that was big of him.

Grieve for the end of the friendship with her....sorry for your loss.


Carrie